a podcast that re.thinks everything

(be patient; the podcast is dropping soon, very soon)

Welcome to The re.think Podcast, where great connections happen as we discover new ways to be stronger together.

The re.think Podcast explores any topic, idea, or controversy through the lens of relationship intelligence. “Think with connection in mind” is the turn of phrase that reveals the magic hidden within re.thinking. By embracing this master mindset, you will optimize your leadership, elevate your relationships, and boost your confidence. Your skills, talents, and imagination are the perfect tools to complete the journey.

Do you want to become skilled in relating to others and enhance your leadership style at work and home? It’s about thinking with connection in mind, or “re.think.”  This powerful term means “relationship-enhanced thinking.”  While thinking is something we naturally do, re.thinking takes some tinkering. To re.think involves a sweeping awareness, unending curiosity, creative reflection, and plenty of practice…always keeping mutuality in mind, as it is the pinnacle of human development. This is how you elevate your relationship intelligence to the next level.

What is relationship intelligence?

Relationship Intelligence is the ability to “turn conflict into connection.”

Being relationally intelligent means speaking without judgment, listening without letting your defenses take over, and finding creative ways to work together that benefit everyone involved. It’s about keeping an open mind, being curious, and stepping into conflict creatively while keeping mutuality in mind.

Relational power begins with a deep investment in self-development, especially self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-advocacy. The first step to becoming relationally intelligent is self-control. The shortcut to mastering this amazing skill is reflected in the phrase, “It all starts with stopping.” You've tapped into the gold of personal enlightenment when you stop yourself before you say or do something that won’t be well received.

The second step involves learning how to read the minds of others. After reading about this step, your immediate thought might be, “Mind reading is an illusion or only available to those with fortune-telling talents—you know, mentalists, psychics, and telepaths with amazing wizardly powers.” In truth, while mind reading may not seem possible for most of us, in psychology, “mentalization” describes the process of creating mental models of ourselves and others. We depend on these internal models to inform our intuition, enhance our empathy, and guide our thoughts and actions as we interact with those around us. So, is mind reading possible? It must be since we do it all the time!

That’s it—just two steps: step one is enlightenment, and step two is mind reading. When framed this way, achieving relationship intelligence seems as daunting as creating peace on Earth or reversing the sun's orbit. Don’t worry; it’s more like learning sixth-grade math. Okay, maybe it’s closer to patting your head and rubbing your stomach. The point is that developing relationship intelligence requires effort, but not as much as you think.

Being relationally intelligent encourages you to understand your sense of self, the world around you, and how the two interact, particularly when things aren’t going your way. Are you a people pleaser or blunt without intending to hurt others? We’re all a mix of good, bad, and unusual. This is what makes us human. What motivates you? How do you behave when things are running smoothly versus when things go off the rails?

It’s easy—almost instinctive—to shut down or counterattack during conflict. This makes perfect sense since your mind is designed to protect you from negative experiences. The interplay of your genetic gifts, upbringing, relationship history, and imagination drives you to react without reflection. Without examining how these four factors work together, you’ll be stuck in a pattern of repeating what you always do.

Your typical response to conflict is your “default mode.” Outside of conscious awareness, your innate psychological defense system activates during moments of distress and discord. Following the principles of evolutionary logic, your mind has evolved for specific and functional purposes; unfortunately, managing conflict with others is not one of them.

Summing up and moving on, intelligence refers to your mental capacity for grasping truths, facts, meanings, and connections. Similarly, relationship intelligence involves how people connect to, behave toward, and interact with one another. As your relationship intelligence becomes more natural, you will find that having your needs met by different people, even in the face of conflict, becomes much more manageable and somewhat easier.

However, there’s a catch: to become relationally intelligent, you must understand how your mind operates. Fortunately, there’s an easy way to achieve this challenging task. To explore how your mind functions with and without your permission, click the “Mind Rule” button below. You’ll be directed to a page that offers an overview of Dr. Zierk’s book, “Mind Rules: Who’s in Control—You or Your Mind?”

Mind Rules

Your mind is designed to make sense of reality as quickly as possible. Because of this affinity for swiftness, your mind skims the surface, looking for and detecting familiar pieces of information. Once you’ve discovered something that “makes sense,” your mind relaxes, and you lounge back into a posture of contentment. This explains why soundbites, catchy phrases, and one-liners are so appealing.

But watch out! There’s a design flaw in your mind. Once your mind has made up its mind, it believes itself to be correct…and you stop thinking.

Another important aspect of the inner workings of your mind that happens outside of awareness is its lack of immediate consideration of others. While this statement may sound half-cocked upon first reading, it makes tremendous sense if you think about it from an evolutionary perspective. It’s no accident your mind is focused on attending to your needs first. Doing so increases the odds of keeping you alive to enjoy another day. Basically, your mind is designed to think about you first, take care of you first, and protect you first…others second.

These basic properties of your mind are mentioned to get you primed to start thinking about how you think. The miraculous and dynamic process of how your mind comprehends the world inside and around you sparked the creation of re.thinking.

re.thinking

Re.thinking is different from merely having a second thought. Of course, thinking and thinking again is an important life strategy that leverages perhaps the greatest gift of humankind—your capacity for higher-order reasoning. Yet, when you think and think again, the second thought routinely mirrors the original, called mental recycling, and this form of thinking creates more friction than traction.

The mental shortcut of affirming your thinking goes by the popular name of confirmation bias. This is your tendency to notice, focus on, and gather facts that support preferred truths and disregard other facts that support different conclusions. What a great mind trick! Humans turn complexity into something simple by mentally marking the cards.

What makes re.thinking different from simply revisiting your thoughts is it involves looking at life through a relational lens. The “re” in re.thinking stands for Relationship Enhanced. You will find that when you place connecting in a primary position, your mind shifts. This explains why re.think is operationalized as “think with connection in mind.” When you keep others in mind as you ponder what’s happening around you, your paradigm expands, and you become better versed at handling difficult person-to-person situations.

Viewing conflict through the re.think lens offers a master’s way to turn conflict into connection.

nuts & bolts

Perception reigns supreme. Put another way, what you see and how you think about it is incontrovertible…at least, that’s how it seems.

This basic premise about the pivotal role of perception is foundational to your journey into learning how to re.think. It would help if you accepted or at least entertained that what you see, what is happening around you, and what others perceive may be very different. That’s right; there can be three realities at any one time. Your perception is influenced by how you process information through your mental filter, a composite of your genetic gifts, upbringing, relationship history, and imagination.

Here’s an essential relational tidbit: No two people have identical mental filters, which explains disconnections and entanglements between people. Knowing that your experience is unique and not always shared or appreciated by others is a cornerstone in understanding the root of conflict. Returning to this root is pivotal in slowing down times of relational distress. Remembering the phrase, “It all starts with stopping,” guides you wisely and gives you the time and room to think with connection in mind.

Considering the importance of retooling your mental filter, let’s break down what it means to re.think, which involves linking together seven emergent qualities.

r - relationship…connection with people is an elixir; you can’t be connected and in conflict simultaneously.

e - enhanced…building up and moving forward is aspirational and motivating.

t - trustworthy…being a constant is priceless; when you can trust and be trusted, life flows.

h - honesty…being true to self and others is refreshing; when in doubt, dig deeper.

i - imagination…thinking with an open mind and without limits is stunning.

n - negotiation…understanding the power of mutual benefit is heartwarming and nourishing; bringing it to life is spectacular.

k - kindness…the virtue in all of us that needs routine practice.