a podcast that re.thinks everything

(be patient; the podcast is dropping soon)

Welcome to the podcast that focuses on one thing—re.thinking any topic, issue, or subject matter through the lens of relationship intelligence. The phrase "think with connection in mind” summarizes what re.thinking is all about and explains why it is the master mindset for elevating relationship intelligence. Your skills, talents, and imagination will take you the rest of the way.

The key to becoming fluent in relationality is learning to think with connection in mind, or “re.think.”  This powerful word stands for “relationship-enhanced thinking.”  While thinking is natural and inborn, re.thinking is a form of freethinking that involves sweeping awareness, creative reflection, lots of practice, and a willingness to keep mutuality in mind. This is how to improve your relationship intelligence.

What is relationship intelligence?

Relationship Intelligence is the ability to “turn conflict into connection.”

You’re relationally intelligent when you speak without judgment, listen without letting your defenses take over, and act in ways that produce mutually beneficial outcomes. This involves keeping a curious state of mind while remaining open to new experiences and stepping into conflict creatively.

Relational power begins with a deep investment in your self-development, especially in self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-advocacy. In a word, the first step of becoming relationally intelligent is “self-control.” The shortcut to mastering this amazing skill is reflected in the phrase, “It all starts with stopping.”

The second step involves learning how to read the minds of others. Your first thought might be, “Mind reading is an illusion or only available to those with fortune-telling talents—you know, mentalists, psychics, and telepaths with amazing wizardly powers.” In truth, while mind reading may not be possible for most of us, in psychology, “mentalization” is the term that describes the process of creating mental models of self and other people. These models are relied upon to inform your intuition and guide your thoughts and actions as you relate to people around you.

That’s it: step one is enlightenment, and step two is mind reading. When put this way, achieving relationship intelligence appears on par with creating peace on Earth or reversing the sun's orbit. Don’t fret; it’s more like learning third-grade math. Learning to be relationally intelligent requires effort, but not as much as you think.

Being relationally intelligent compels you to know much about your sense of self, the world around you, and how the two interact, especially when things aren’t going your way. Are you a people pleaser or blunt without intending to hurt others? We’re all a constellation of good, bad, and bizarre. This is what makes us human. What makes you tick? How do you act when things are running smoothly versus when things go off the rails?

It’s easy—almost reflexive—to shut down or counterattack during conflict. This makes complete sense since your mind is designed to protect you from bad things happening. The interplay of your genetic gifts, upbringing, relationship history, and imagination guides you to react without thinking. Without examining how these four factors synergize, you’ll be locked into a cycle of doing what you always do.

Your regular response to conflict is your “default mode.” Outside of conscious awareness, your built-in psychological defense system takes over during moments of distress and discord. Following the blueprint of evolutionary logic, your mind has evolved for particular and functional purposes; it’s a shame that handling conflict with people is not one of them.

In summary, intelligence is your mental capacity for grasping truths, facts, meanings, and connections. Similarly, relationship intelligence is your ability to learn and understand how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other. As your r.IQ grows, and you’ll find that getting your needs met by different people, mainly when conflict occurs, happens with greater ease.

But there’s a catch. To become relationally intelligent, you must know how your mind works.

To explore how your mind works with and without your permission, click the “Mind Rule” button below. You’ll be taken to a page that provides an overview of Dr. Zierk’s book, “Mind Rules: Who’s in Control—You or Your Mind?”

Mind Rules

Your mind is designed to make sense of reality as quickly as possible. Because of this affinity for swiftness, your mind skims the surface, looking for and detecting familiar pieces of information. Once you’ve discovered something that “makes sense,” your mind relaxes, and you lounge back into a posture of contentment. This explains why soundbites, catchy phrases, and one-liners are so appealing.

But watch out! There’s a design flaw in your mind. Once your mind has made up its mind, it believes itself to be correct…and you stop thinking.

Another important aspect of the inner workings of your mind that happens outside of awareness is its lack of immediate consideration of others. While this statement may sound half-cocked upon first reading, it makes tremendous sense if you think about it from an evolutionary perspective. It’s no accident your mind is focused on attending to your needs first. Doing so increases the odds of keeping you alive to enjoy another day. Basically, your mind is designed to think about you first, take care of you first, and protect you first…others second.

These basic properties of your mind are mentioned to get you primed to start thinking about how you think. The miraculous and dynamic process of how your mind comprehends the world inside and around you sparked the creation of re.thinking.

re.thinking

Re.thinking is different from merely having a second thought. Of course, thinking and thinking again is an important life strategy that leverages perhaps the greatest gift of humankind—your capacity for higher-order reasoning. Yet, when you think and think again, the second thought routinely mirrors the original, called mental recycling, and this form of thinking creates more friction than traction.

The mental shortcut of affirming your thinking goes by the popular name of confirmation bias. This is your tendency to notice, focus on, and gather facts that support preferred truths and disregard other facts that support different conclusions. What a great mind trick! Humans turn complexity into something simple by mentally marking the cards.

What makes re.thinking different from simply revisiting your thoughts is it involves looking at life through a relational lens. The “re” in re.thinking stands for Relationship Enhanced. You will find that when you place connecting in a primary position, your mind shifts. This explains why re.think is operationalized as “think with connection in mind.” When you keep others in mind as you ponder what’s happening around you, your paradigm expands, and you become better versed at handling difficult person-to-person situations.

Viewing conflict through the re.think lens offers a master’s way to turn conflict into connection.

nuts & bolts

Perception reigns supreme. Put another way, what you see and how you see is incontrovertible…at least, that’s how it seems.

This basic premise about the pivotal role of perception is foundational to your journey into learning how to re.think. It would help if you accepted or at least entertained that what you see, what is happening around you, and what others perceive may be very different. That’s right, there can be three realities in play at any one time. Your perception is influenced by how you process information through your mental filter, a composite of your genetic gifts, upbringing, relationship history, and imagination.

Here’s an essential relational tidbit - no two people have identical mental filters. This fact helps explain disconnections and entanglements that occur between people. Knowing that your experience is unique and not always shared or appreciated by others is a cornerstone in understanding the root of conflict. Returning to this root is pivotal in slowing down times of relational distress. Remembering the phrase, “It all starts with stopping,” guides you wisely and provides you the time and room for thinking with connection in mind.

Considering the importance of retooling your mental filter, let’s break down what re.think stands for.

r - relationship…connection between people is an elixir; you can’t be connected and in conflict simultaneously.

e - enhanced…building up and moving forward is aspirational and motivating.

t - trustworthy…being a constant is priceless; when you can trust and be trusted, life flows.

h - honesty…being true to self and others is refreshing; when in doubt dig deeper.

i - imagination…thinking with an open mind and without limits is stunning.

n - negotiation…understanding the power of mutual benefit is heartwarming and nourishing.

k - kindness…the virtue in all of us that needs routine practice.