David W. Zierk, PsyD

The ability to turn conflict into connection.

Relationship Intelligence is designed with you in mind. Being relationally intelligent means you know how to turn conflict into a connection and do it naturally.

Sounds amazing, right?

Embracing relationship intelligence is a journey of personal growth. It's about speaking without judgment, listening without defenses, and investing in self-discovery. It's about understanding yourself deeply, being curious about others, and addressing each other’s needs. Doesn't this journey sound inspiring?

The development of Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ) provides the foundation for learning and understanding how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other. By optimizing relational intelligence, your relationships climb to the next level, and your attitude toward conflict shifts dramatically as you learn how to profit from life's most challenging moments, such as when relationship conflict leaves you feeling frustrated, disappointed, and distressed.

Improving your Relationship Intelligence focuses on mastering the interplay of four key mechanisms:

Mutuality - to act genuinely and thoughtfully in ways that benefit everyone.

Relatability - to understand and be understood while feeling connected to others.

Adaptability - to navigate your surroundings by being smart and savvy.

Accountability - to be held to specific standards, compassionately and playfully.

By gaining critical insight into your past, identifying the basic needs of what it means to be human, and learning vital skills that turn conflict into connection, you develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to form and be formed, to respect and be respected, and to love and be loved. Sounds amazing, right?

Being relationally intelligent compels you to know much about your sense of self, the world around you, and how the two interact, especially when things aren’t going your way. You are relationally intelligent when you navigate the world with intentionality, curiosity, and flexibility in that order.

Knowing these three mindsets is pivotal to optimizing relationship intelligence. Given their importance, let me share how each expands opportunities and vitalizes connections.

1. Intentionality means following your instincts while leaving your insecurities behind. Being intentional asks you to examine your habits, ask for feedback, and move forward with connection in mind. An intentional mind steadies your psychological rudder, ensuring it retains integrity as you navigate rough waters.

2. Curiosity is practicing open-mindedness. An open mind puts things in perspective while promoting personal growth and cultural change. In relational psychology, what matters most is curiosity about how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other. Be patient; this is a lifetime quest.

3. Flexibility involves understanding how options open doors. While you may find that behind many doors lies irrelevance, staying persistent with a tenacious mind shifts your focus to opening doors, not finding out what’s behind them. The flexible mindset moves to find a direction, not waiting for direction to move. “Let’s open another door,” says the flexible mindset. In turn, people around you will eagerly jump in and playfully engage.

Conflict is the Problem, Not You

When life goes according to plan, being yourself and pleasant to others comes naturally. But when the waters get rough, what happens inside, deep inside, alters you and your worldview. Because of turbulent dynamics, your conflict personality takes over, causing you to do things you wouldn’t do otherwise.

This truth reflects the power of conflict over your psyche and how you navigate the world. To many of us, handling conflict is like threading a needle with closed eyes. It can be done, but what are the chances?

During the conflict, it’s easy, seemingly by reflex, to shut down or counterattack. This makes sense when you understand your mind is designed to protect you from bad things. When entering turbulent waters, your mind takes over and focuses on one thing, keeping you alive another day. Conflict arouses primal urges, which explain your guilt and remorse for acting out of character. When the waters calm, reflection shines a light on what you do when things don’t go according to plan.

Conflict is easily felt and much harder to explain. This is because what triggers conflict varies from person to person. Notwithstanding, what we all have in common is that conflict shows up when our psychological needs are unheard, unmet, dismissed, or violated. At times, conflict builds slowly, almost imperceptibly. Other times, it erupts fast and without warning. Either way, conflict is distressful and disruptive, causing people to disconnect.

By examining conflict, you will learn much about yourself. So, your conflict personality is worthy of thoughtful examination. You’re not the problem; your shadow self takes over during unexpected moments and deserves compassionate attention. In this way, conflict is the problem, not you!

What motivates you to react without thinking is the swirling mixture of your genetic gifts, upbringing, relationship history, and imagination. Without examining the interplay of these four factors, you’ll remain locked into a cycle of doing what you always do. If this doesn’t bother you, well, never mind, you wouldn’t be reading this blog if this wasn’t a concern.

The way you typically respond to conflict is your “default mode.” Outside of conscious awareness, your built-in psychological defense system takes over during moments of distress and discord. Following the blueprint of evolutionary logic, your mind has evolved for particular and functional purposes; it’s a shame that handling conflict with people is not one of them.

To explore how your mind works with and without your permission, click the “Mind Rules” button below. By clicking, you’ll get an overview of Dr. Zierk’s new book, “Mind Rules: Who’s in Control - You or Your Mind?” This is a must-read if you’re passionate about life’s unsolvable puzzles and learning about things that give you a clear advantage.

Returning to your built-in mode of handling conflict, as you voyage into relationships, you’re well equipped to do one thing well—repeat the past. During conflict, you’ll know your history is being replayed when you reflexively become hyper-rational or excessively emotional. Good news! There’s a third choice. You can be relational during times of tension and turmoil.

While teachable, improving your relational intelligence takes time and effort. Learning to be relational during conflict takes practice and a willingness to ask for feedback as you become increasingly vulnerable. Just to let you know, according to Mind Rules, asking for feedback and being vulnerable are two things your mind prefers that you not do. Read the book and find out why this is true. Chapters eight and twenty-nine provide a shortcut to answering this query.

Philosophy + Language

The Relationship Intelligence Center began years ago when Dr. Zierk noticed how people struggle with feeling misunderstood and mistreated and, too often, not knowing what to do about these unpleasant, disturbing, and deeply felt private experiences.

Relationship intelligence is based on a philosophy of mutuality while adopting a relationally intelligent language. In our fast-paced world, philosophy may seem an outdated word. It’s not. While you may be unable to identify any modern-day philosophical superstars, point of fact, you don’t have to look very far. If you’re slightly puzzled by this statement, please know it’s a coy way of having you look inside to find your inner Aristotle. That’s right, every day, you do what the greatest thinkers throughout history have done: study knowledge, circulate ideas, contemplate reality, and search for meaning. By doing so, you are shaping your inner universe and the world around you.

The time has arrived for you to embrace your inner Aristotle and build a shared philosophy. Identifying, discussing, and formulating agreements around shared truths promotes connection and fosters mutual growth. Investing in the common good creates peace, justice, and equality, which are antidotes to conflict.

Philosophy means “love of wisdom.” And who doesn’t love the idea of becoming wise? The study of philosophy, specifically yours, is the perfect starting point for learning to ignite personal growth and promote cultural change.

Philosophy is a way of thinking. It is the bedrock of your mental universe. It is your philosophy that filters the world inside and all around you. When you examine your philosophy, you are analyzing your learning history. Combining the hand you were dealt and the luck you had along the way taught you fundamental truths about yourself, the world around you, and how you navigate the interaction between them.

I want you to know that understanding how to share your philosophy so others receive your message makes a connection. When philosophies are shared rather than fought over, the expression “Two heads are better than one” becomes reality. When philosophies combine rather than collide, new perspectives emerge, and fresh ways of thinking are created. Sounds amazing, right?

Language is how you communicate with others. It’s how you talk. Some people are brief and to the point with their words. They operate from the “less is more” approach to life. That’s okay unless others deserve to hear more. Sliding to the other side of the spectrum, some people are spontaneous, chatty, and animated when they talk. Such people are driven by a strong desire to be heard and use words, lots of them, to connect. Either way, it's okay unless others prefer you get to your point.

Whether you are businesslike or need to be liked, adopting a language that is respectfully shared by others helps to make the world go round and improves the odds of everyone’s dreams coming true. If the dream is to be treated with love and respect, then learning to talk with others relationally is key to self-revision and stronger connections. Sounds amazing, right?

Dr. Zierk’s experience taught him that everyone needs, wants, desires, and deserves the same thing - connection. But not just any connection will do. What is most desired is the type of connection that satisfies the needs you can’t meet yourself, including your need for attention, affection, acknowledgment, approval, and applause. This helps explain why relationships are vital, compelling, and challenging.

The question that explains much of human suffering is, “How do you get your needs met when you don’t know what you need, but you know something is missing or not right?” In this way, the experience of being disconnected is a foremost concern of people. Being disconnected from your life partner, children, siblings, extended family, and friends, perhaps your sense of self, explains the existence of hardship and adversity.

The development of Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ) provides the foundation upon which every person can learn and understand how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other. By becoming more relationally intelligent, your relationships climb to a higher level, and your attitude toward conflict shifts dramatically as you learn how to profit from life’s most challenging moments - relationship disappointment, distress, disconnection, and disaster.

By gaining critical insight into your past, identifying the essential elements of what it means to be your true self, and learning vital skills that turn conflict into connection, you develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to love and respect and be loved and respected. Sounds amazing, right?

Learn more about Relationship Intelligence by visiting our website at:

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Discovered and always remembered.

Every great discovery starts with a grand theory sparked by a simple yet amazing idea that promotes contemplation, application, and realization.

Related to the development of Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ), the idea of it being as simple as that boils down to one thing. Here’s a clue: it’s something you can’t do alone.

We need each other.

Relationship Intelligence is the constellation of our experiences across time in countless interactions and situations throughout the ebb and flow of life’s tide. When combined with the acknowledgment that humans are intensely social by nature and that relationships alter our neurobiology, shape our sense of self, and influence our behavior, it was realized that teaching people how to turn conflict into connection with intentionality, curiosity, and flexibility results in the most valuable and gratifying human experience - intimacy.

Intimacy is defined as deep and meaningful closeness, moments when you feel felt, a wondrous sensation that makes you feel alive while being authentic, authentically you.

By enhancing your relationship intelligence, you gain critical insight into how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other. You learn how to read minds, beginning with your own. Here’s a critical insight: knowing how your mind operates allows you to understand better what’s going on in other people's minds. As you master the process of mind reading while actively reading the room, in times of conflict, you’ll have options you never imagined.

Knowing that having options is far more rewarding during the conflict than learning the “right” thing to do empowers you. This explains the following basic truths about conflict:

Conflict reveals unmet needs.

Conflict is emotional, not logical.

Conflict is an opportunity for learning + relational growth.

Conflict is a time to model self-control, not to solve a problem or teach a lesson.

During the conflict, it seems our options are limited. People either move decidedly toward rationality or slide toward emotionality. Both directions have their shortcomings.

The rational mindset provokes an oppressive sense of “being right.” To others, this can be off-putting. If this is your style, others may experience you as calculating, arrogant, and pretentious. To them, you likely have the reputation of being rigid and a know-it-all. Quieting your rigid logic is needed.

On the other hand, if you operate from an emotional mindset during conflict, this style is draining and unproductive. Others easily judge you as oversensitive, overreactive, and over-the-top. You get the point. While emotions are informative and useful, when they are relied upon exclusively, you can be misdirected down blind alleys and dead ends from a relationship standpoint. Tempering your emotions is needed.

Fortunately, there’s a third option.

Balancing rationality and emotions while focusing on creating a mutually beneficial outcome produces a relational style. The relational concept evokes a mutual stance of “getting it right” rather than “being right.” Do you see the upside? Being relational allows people to understand the lesson that conflict is trying to teach. Knowing that underneath every conflict are unmet needs allows dialogue to focus on how to address this matter rather than focusing on what and how something was said, which leads to interpersonal gridlock and unending feuds.

The key to being relational is revealed by the phrase, “Think with connection in mind.” When you rely upon this tagline as a guide as you navigate conflict, you’ll gain mastery to turn conflict into connection.

Summing Up and Moving On

Here’s a quick review. Underneath every conflict, and there’s no exception to this rule, are unmet needs. Focusing on becoming aware of what you need, acknowledging this private reality, analyzing its importance, and adapting to moments when you’re feeling deprived increases the odds of your needs being satisfied. The power and savvy within relationship intelligence allow you to “turn conflict into connection.”

Being relational is a mind-made decision. This means that it’s up to you to be relational by learning how to combine your thinking and emotions while keeping your eye on what’s mutually beneficial. Doing so improves your odds that what’s most important gets addressed.

One key to enhancing relationship intelligence is exploring the peaks, valleys, triumphs, and tragedies associated with your upbringing and relationship history. Attention turns toward discovering what you learned when you didn’t realize you were being taught. These crucial moments are called life lessons. In addition, this exploration takes inventory of your genetic gifts while insightfully peeking into your most outstanding talent of all time, which is your imagination.

Examining your informative life lessons is how you increase your relationship intelligence.

Learn more about relationship intelligence by visiting our website at:

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Your mind is everything.

To help people traverse the most challenging terrain they’ll ever encounter, the limitless landscape of their minds, I decided to tackle life’s most puzzling question:

How does the mind work?

Before further thoughts are offered on this mind-bending topic, something curious about psychological theories and findings must be shared. What’s great about discoveries in psychology is that, for the most part, it doesn’t matter if they’re correct. 

Let me explain this brainteaser.

In the logical world, this statement sounds, well, illogical. It might also sound misguided, foolish, or even arrogant to some. However, the key to psychological discoveries is less about “Is it right?” and more about “Does it help?” Welcome to the world of mental alchemy.

When initially pondering the mind's inner workings, disarray came to mind. Flooded by years of scholarship, reading countless scientific research articles, browsing popular literature, and carefully examining and reflecting on how clients respond differently to similar situations, thinking outside the box seemed the ticket.

So, I went back to square one.

Back to Square One

What do we know about the mind? How confident is our expertise? Is the science of the mind based more on entertaining conjecture (e.g., think of Freud’s id, ego, and superego), the after-effects of repetition bias, wishful thinking, folklore, or award-winning and peer-reviewed research? Is the mind beyond scientific exploration? Do we know enough about the mind to even draft a convincing argument? While the concept of the mind seems immediately knowable, why does it so easily slip through our scientific grip?

These questions and much more saturated this author’s quest to answer the imponderable question,

“How does the mind work?”

Knowing the mind is an infinitely complex medley of one’s upbringing, relationship history, genetic gifts, and the wizardly influence of imagination, determining the mechanism that controls the mind seemed out of reach and unknowable, perhaps only grasped by artificial intelligence uncovered by some distant generation.      

Then, a lightbulb lit up.

If the mind is not readily knowable, perhaps its workings are hidden in plain sight. Stepping back from the guesswork that often accompanies soft science and reflecting on the luminary findings in hard science, such as Newton’s laws of motion, we can see that while the mind may not be conveniently influenced by physics or other sciences predicated on physical laws, it may be knowable and controllable when its rules are revealed. The idea that the mind operates based on hidden rules energized the lightbulb and led to the book Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Once this mental pathway was revealed as to how rules govern the operation of the mind, putting pen to paper flowed, and the boundary between ideas and creative content vanished. It would be stretching the truth to say the book wrote itself, but the experience of composition for the author brought to mind the phrase, “Like a moth to a flame.” The journey and destination intermingled, and it was as if the dots connected themselves. It is hoped the reader similarly enjoys the journey and destination.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

A Delicate Balance

A relationship without rules leads to confusion.

Rules without a relationship motivate rebellion.

A relationship with rules invites mutuality.

Rules hold back the chaos. Even more, rules create order out of chaos.

These are good things.

Rules inform all interested parties how to do something. They’re guardrails of civility. When rules are followed, the playing field evens out, giving everyone an equal chance of winning. That’s good if order and justice are your jam, and you prize fairness over triumph. On the other hand, rules are inconvenient and annoying if you’re obsessed with self-importance and undyingly believe the world is your oyster and your oyster alone.

To show the upside of following rules, please consider the reasons for having rules of the road. Even novice drivers know what to do when approaching a stop sign or when a traffic signal turns yellow. “Yielding the right-of-way” helps prevent collisions and is code for “be thoughtful and take turns.” Turning right on red keeps things moving along. When the red light starts flashing, the rule is everyone comes to a complete stop and can move forward when the coast is clear. A speed limit sign is not a suggestion. And when entering a work zone, there’s a rule to slow down, stay alert, and be courteous to the construction workers making road repairs. If it helps, remember they’re doing their job to make your driving smoother and safer.

See what I mean? When the rules of the road are obeyed, order is created. The rules are there to help everyone get home safely.

On a multi-use trail, as another example, faster yield to slower, downhillers yield to those going uphill, and bikers yield to walkers, who, in turn, yield to equestrians. That’s the order. Following these rules keeps everyone safe and having fun. When the rules are broken, things get messy, and people get hurt.

Next, consider the importance of the “rules of the game.”

Games People Play

Rules are the heart and soul of sports, games, and puzzles, even war. 

We play games to be entertained and challenged. Games are meant to be fun and stimulating. Rules of play guide our next move, help us to think two or three steps ahead, and keep arguments to a minimum.

Rules have transformative powers. Rules make rolling a pair of dice enticing. They transform a game board into an engaging activity that excites brain cells by inviting people to problem solve, negotiate, and make decisions, which can be fun when people keep their sense of humor. Rules turn a piece of chalk into a great adventure. Hopscotch, four square, and sidewalk twister exemplify how chalk turns a dull day into summer playtime. With rules, a deck of cards becomes an industry. Also, let’s not forget that rules turn a bat, ball, and an empty lot into endless pleasure.

Think of the game of chess. While the rules aren’t overly complex, the game is. Place the pieces on the board, understand how the different pieces move, and know that white moves first. The game ends when either king is captured and someone says, “Checkmate!” Sounds easy, right? However, things get tricky fast. There are pivotal strategies for openings, middle games, and end games. There are tactics, strategies, and complex trajectories. Each move affects possible actions on later moves. And making matters more competitive, there’s a clock. Evidently, in chess, much like in life, timing is everything.

What happens when we make the game of chess as simple as possible?

Consider how uninteresting chess becomes when all pieces are queens. The queen is the most powerful piece on the board. She can move in any straight direction–forward, backward, sideways, or diagonally. One caveat: she can’t move through any pieces—otherwise, it’s game on.  But what type of game would this be? Even a quick glance at this revision reveals that the game loses its sense of play. Chess with all queens loses meaning. The intellectual dueling of two players is reduced to the level of tic-tac-toe. 

Lastly, bring to mind the overnight sensation of yesteryear, Pong. You remember, there’s a black screen divided by a dashed line, a pair of paddles move a blunt white line on either side, and a small white block bounces between them. The instructions couldn’t be more uncomplicated; they read, “Avoid missing ball for a high score.” Hours of fun, right? Pong is the epitome of simplicity, requiring a negligible learning curve. Even though this game was introduced in 1972, it’s still alive and well. It seems chess and Pong have something in common: when there’s something “at play” that is moved forward by rules, games become a pastime, a passion, and even a profession.

To underscore the importance and ubiquitous nature of rules, even in war, rules exist. Sadly, the rules of war are more apparent on paper than in person, especially when considering contemporary warfare.

Think about the contrast of rules of war over 200 years. In 1775, after assuming command of the Continental Army, Washington put together a short list of rules guiding soldiers on behaving in a foreign land. Here are Washington’s five rules.

1.        Don’t assume you are welcome.

2.        Cultivate local support.

3.        Respect local religious practices.

4.        Don’t abuse prisoners.

5.        Withdraw if your objectives are unobtainable.

His insightfulness to the power of rules illustrated the genius of Washington.

In 1864, the first Geneva Convention resulted in an international treaty safeguarding the sick and wounded on the battlefield. Sounds great—a set of rules designed to protect vulnerable humans from the brutality of war. Indeed, the rules promulgated by the Geneva Conventions save lives and reduce suffering, but only if the rules are followed. 

Moving the clock forward 200 years, 1975 marked the end of the Vietnam War. The United States issued military pocket cards detailing nine rules during this warfare. In a civilized society, some things seemingly never change. However, the Viet Cong (VC) popularized guerilla tactics and, in doing so, ignored the Geneva Convention and played by their own rules. The tactics they employed included taking rice from villagers at gunpoint, burying alive children and babies-in-arms, carrying out countless assassinations, and openly executing civilians and prisoners of war. This was a war without guardrails.

What history books teach us is that rules quell anarchy by reducing chaos.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

Let’s explore further about the consequences of breaking the rules.

Without rules, the seams and cracks in civilization get wider and more ponderous. Without rules of decorum, interruptions would never end. The loudest voice would always win. Disorder would ensue, and no business would ever be accomplished. If this sounds like today’s Congress, you’d be more right than wrong.

The breaking of rules changes everything. Ponder the children’s game of tag.

When playing tag, the player selected to be “it” chases the others, trying to “tag” them as they try to avoid being tagged. So simple, so fun. But let’s modify the rules by saying the person who loses on the initial eeny, meeny, miny, moe gambit is always “it.” See what happens. While the rule is still simple, the new rule takes all the fun out of playing. Why? An essential component of effective rules is that they must convey fairness. Without being fair, rules become lopsided. When one side gains an unfair advantage, the fun disappears.

Even grade schoolers know the importance of fairness. On any given day at any playground, during recess, some young person will inevitably cry out, “That’s not fair!” Fairness keeps people connected. Accordingly, the importance of fairness is known at an early age. Fairness increases safety, reduces conflict, and helps build a collaborative culture. When your child comes home and responds to your predictable “How was school?” question by saying, “Great!” they’ve had a “fair” day.

When rules are ignored, power skews, and confusion reigns.

For example, call to mind the well-known hand game between two players: rock, paper, and scissors. After counting to three, each player simultaneously forms one of three shapes with an outstretched hand. The rock (a closed fist), the paper (a flat hand), or scissors (a fist with the index and middle finger outstretched forming a V) are the player’s choices. The order of power is well-known: rock beats scissors, scissors beat paper, and, finishing the circle, paper beats rock.

These are the rules of the game. When mutually adopted, the game is fun and can be used to settle any argument. When the rules are ignored, the game becomes pointless. Indeed, without rules, the rock-paper-scissors game becomes a series of meaningless gestures.

More seriously, rules without fairness explain dictatorships, authoritarian governments, and school bullying, which is a form of local fascism. Anarchy and chaos ensue when rules are discarded and people in power do whatever they please. As stated above, rules hold back the chaos. Even more, rules create order out of chaos.

Lesson Learned

So, let’s wrap this up by reviewing the lessons to be learned about rules.

By themselves, rules are good. If there are fewer of them, rules are manageable. When the number adds up, things become overwhelming. When the rules are unfair, a zero-sum game is created, with one side winning and another out of luck. When the rules are too complicated, they get ignored.

The game of Tic-Tac-Toe is an iconic model. The rules are simple. There are just a few. Each player has a chance of winning. Ergo, when negotiating or enforcing rules, such as household rules or ground rules for teamwork, when possible, you won’t go wrong by following the KISS principle, an acronym for “Keep it simple, stupid!” Or, in the well-advised words of Dr. Suess, “So the writer who breeds more words than he needs is doing a chore for the reader who reads.”

We can thank the good doctor for his immortal words of wisdom. The world would be better if Theodor Suess Geisel were still around, conjuring up new imaginative journeys of his lovable characters and reminding us of what’s most important.

Remember, “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!” This is a great rule to follow.

Godspeed, Dr. Suess. We need you more now-er than now to know what to do, so we’ll read your words over and over until we figure out your clues.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Your mind has a mind of its own. This is vital to know and embrace.

When you do things without thinking, you follow the ground rules established by your genetic makeup, upbringing, relationship history, and imagination. In truth, during moments of blinded awareness, your mind follows the rules of its evolved nature.

Your mind is designed to follow its own rules. Welcome to the transcendent world of mind rules.

Rules Rule

Rules are the logical underbelly beneath the surface of daily life. They help to secure and sustain balance among safety, fairness, order, and justice. Pretty heady stuff, right?

Contemplate the following thoughts about the merits of rules.

To play a game is to follow its rules, which maintain order.

By knowing the rules, your chances of winning improve considerably.

By following the rules, players avoid chaos and embrace complexity.

Rules are the deep structure from which real-world instances are derived.

The bottom line is that rules are essential to keeping things in order. Without rules, things become, well, unruly.

Without rules, the messy world gets messier. Crossing the street would require you to take your life into your own hands. Paying for your groceries at the store would be optional. Taking your assigned seats would be foolish. Why not take the seat you prefer rather than the one you paid for? Saying “please” and “thank you” lose their value in a self-serving world. Flying in a plane would be terrifying.

Mind Traps

Now for a twist. What’s true in the outside world is equally valid in the inside world of your mind. Rules constitute the inner form and organization of how your mind works. This marvel explains Dr. Zierk’s thinking and the creation of his book:

Mind Rules: Who’s In Control, You or Your Mind?

Available at all booksellers.

Because your mind does what it is designed to do, sometimes you’ll find yourself doing some things over and over even when they don’t make sense, don’t produce great results, and don’t make you happier.

We call such situations mind traps! They occur when your mind controls you rather than you being in control of your mind, and things don’t end well. In other words, you’re “trapped” when your mind's programming overrides your best interests and preferences.

Navigating Your Mind Traps

Put thoughtful energy into the following exercise to help you better control your mind traps. Please know that this exercise involves you reading Dr. Zierk’s book to grasp the importance of mind rules and discern which rules are tricky for you.

#1  Select: Pick a mind rule that frequently trips you up. While your mind does exactly what it’s designed to do, that doesn’t always mean it’s your best choice.

#2  Attend: Commit to bringing awareness to times when this mind trap appears. This step involves exercising mindful awareness. Instead of going through your day routinely, focus on situations that catch your attention. 

#3  Audit: Routinely review throughout the day the different moments you fall into this mind trap. Consider making journal entries about your daily experience. Writing provides a time for reflection, which shortens your learning curve and deepens your self-understanding. 

#4  Ask: Upon review, ask yourself, what can I do next time this happens? Do I have choices? Have I become nothing more than a creature of my habits? Are my habits out of control? If my habits are out of sync with what’s best for me, will I ever be happy? What else can I do other than follow my impulses? 

#5  Step: When you fall into a specific mind trap, practice stepping in (doing something different), out (refraining and looking for perspective), up (doing the right thing), or down (not doing the wrong thing).

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

To hit your target, you must be intentional.

Being intentional involves moving forward with design and connection in mind.

The intentional mindset is active and refers to the type and amount of energy exerted. When thinking relationally, this translates into the amount of “intention” the mind has toward connecting with others. The balanced level of an intentional mind is not dismissive or unmovable but deliberately engages without being overpowering. A healthy, intentional mind is also not reactive or idealizing but stays grounded in what’s happening while forecasting what might happen next and choosing wisely.

Intentionality can also be considered approaching with “the right touch,” not too soft and not too hard; not too negative or too cheery, trying to get it just right (think Baby Bear’s Bed in Goldilocks).

The benefit of intentionality is that it increases your chances of hitting more targets and scoring more bullseyes than living haphazardly and unconsciously.

To Grow or Not to Grow?

When you fail to put deliberateness into gear, your mind shifts to the extremes, becoming avoidant or preoccupied. These two mindsets lack insight and move you away from empathic connection, even with yourself. If you choose to live spontaneously rather than deliberately, opportunities for growth and development will slip through your hands.

An avoidant stance reflects a scared mind. Driven by fear, what never happens is a great thing. However, your life remains static if you never stick your neck out, take risks, or jump in. If the status quo is one of your favorite words, stick to the plan of dodging growth opportunities. However, if you long for change but stay stuck, it’s time to learn what to do.

Being intentional with your words and actions is vital to breaking the cycle of your automatic habits. What we do automatically and without conscious thought makes habits so powerful. Knowing that habits come in two forms, healthy and unhealthy, tells you which ones deserve thoughtful attention.

When you do things intentionally, you move forward with design and connection in mind. Intentionality is the intermixing of awareness, belief, skill, desires, and sensible thought. The thought, “Your future moves in the direction of your next move,” reveals the power of intentionality. The question becomes, “Are you in control of your future, or is your future in control of you?”

Mark Twain’s striking quote demonstrates the imaginative power of intentionality: “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” Unscrambling the meaning of Twain’s twisted quip about the human condition reveals that the intentional mind knows what’s happening and chooses anyway.

Like Twain himself, the intentional mind sees the big picture, filled with cascading subtleties and pillars of complexity, and, with impeccable time, pokes fun at the seriousness of life by creating wisdom out of confusion and absurdity. So, being intentional comes down to whether you have the fortitude to eat the frog deliberately. In simplest terms, this means you address what’s most important rather than sidestepping the situation or acting “as if” it doesn’t matter. Things don’t go away or get better by ignoring them. They go dormant and show up later, unexpectedly, in a different form.  

The process of asking, “What’s most important?” begins the process of disentangling conflict and creating a mutually safe place to talk.

Intentionality is Deceptive

While intentionality seems transparent when we think about the behaviors of others, it’s not as easily detected in what we do. Think about it. It’s common to perceive and interpret what others do as calculated and willful. When someone says something rude or acts dismissively, instantaneously, we think, “They did that on purpose.” When people change lanes without using a turn signal or looking in their mirrors, their behavior is framed as headstrong, selfish, and a deliberate way of life.

Consider the common scenario of people waiting in line for tickets. Then, a couple walks by and notices some people they know before you. Surprised, the couple approaches their friends and initiates some watch-a-been-doing chit-chat. As the line slowly moves forward, so does the couple. Ultimately, this “friendly” couple gets their tickets and seats ahead of you. What are your thoughts? Chances are one of your thoughts is that the couple “knows” what they’re doing and rudely and volitionally violated a fundamental rule in a civilized society: “No cuts.”

Intentionality likely slips through your fingers when the tables are turned, and you examine your behavior. What you said snidely to another person was well deserved. Not seeing your exit, you reflexively change lanes to ensure you get your turn. And what about the ticket line? It was just a happenstance that you saw your friends, and you were sure no one would be offended if you slipped into the line.

The main point is that we filter the behaviors of others through the lens of intentionality much quicker than we do our own. The lesson is that as we place intentionality in a primary position, we act with greater integrity, sincerity, and authenticity. These attributes reflect the power of intentionality.   

When you’re not being intentional, you are being avoidant or preoccupied. The avoidant mind is reserved, withdrawn, shut down, and detached. The preoccupied mind, by contrast, is absorbed, obsessed, fixated, and tormented.

To have an intentional mind involves awareness and choice. That’s it. Together, the playful interaction of these two life skills changes one thing: everything.

The bottom line is that this intentionality is about moving forward with design and connection in mind. The forces that make this happen are awareness and choice. Awareness involves actively focusing on your tendencies and how your past impacts your future. Choice is mindfully engaging in conflict by addressing your unmet needs and those of others.

Pop Quiz

You’re being intentional when,

1. You anticipate and commit to preventing future hurts.

2. You make a plan to change contrarian habits and behaviors.

3. You look underneath conflict for the needs that aren’t being met.

4. You use your emotions to guide you to methods that make everyone around you, including you, happier.

5. You identify your unhealthy patterns and create a means to break them.

6. You challenge yourself and others to grow into the relationship.

7. You actively balance freedom with mutuality.

8. You give yourself time and space to have a second thought.

Remember, once your mind has made up its mind, it believes itself to be correct. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Curiosity involves keeping an open mind and filling it with what is not yet known.

Research shows that young children typically ask a question every two minutes. You know the early childhood drill, “Why is the sky blue?” “Why don’t dogs talk?” “Why can’t I have ice cream before dinner?” “Why does daddy’s breath smell funny?” and “Why can’t I stay up as late as you? As children age, their questions become trickier, such as, “Why do people die?” “Where did I come from?” “What does ‘we can’t afford it’ mean?” and “When you die, who will I live with?

What happens to that natural sense of curiosity as we age?

Don't worry, it's still there.

For instance, consider the following questions.

"Are you mad at me?"

"You seem frazzled, am I right?"

"We've been distant. Would you like to go out Friday night?"

Open + Closed Questions

There are two types of questions: open and closed. Let’s explore each one.

Closed questions are typically brief, practical, detached from emotional curiosities, and focused on information gathering. Consider the theme of these data-driven questions, "What time is it?", "Are you going to the seminar?" and "Did you do what I asked?" How about the classic parenting line, “Are you talking to me with that tone?” Regardless of your state of mind, asking closed questions doesn’t move the needle, at least not in a positive and mutually beneficial way.

Closed questions, like closed minds, lack intrigue. They’re shallow and business-like and show little interest in the nuances and complexities of life. They focus on what the light shines on and have less interest in the shadows that appear.

By comparison, open questions invite more amusing, intimate, and irreverent answers. They often probe into feelings, thoughts, and opinions. They examine beliefs and dare to look at humanity's upsides and downsides. For example, "How did you feel about the seminar?" "What could we do to improve our teamwork?" "How do you think we can improve the current state of politics?" and, probing deeper, "Who am I? " and "What’s the meaning of life?"

Curiosity is an Open Mind

Curiosity pumps fresh air into the space between you, your destiny, and the other person.

Being curious about what's happening inside and around you keeps your wheels spinning and, wonderfully, out of judgment. The curious mind creates options and looks for opportunities. Keeping an open mind and filling it with what is unknown puts you in a learning mindset.

When you're not curious, your mind goes to the extremes. Riddled with indifference, disinterest, or unmoved by possibility, the unconcerned mind moves toward being either convinced or confused. Feel free to take your pick.  

A convinced mind anchors itself in being right. It focuses on evidence to support its view of things. When you're convinced, you challenge other people's perspectives, not your own. Swayed by only your own thoughts and self-assured beliefs, being convinced permits you to luxuriate in the stale air of never being wrong. The unequivocal mind is cocksure. Loneliness, indeed, must be close by.

You may be either disinterested or convinced when you need more curiosity. The disinterested mindset is unwilling to obtain new information, often due to a lack of care or a feeling of futility in the endeavor. The past has taught the disinterested mind that there is nothing new to gain here. Similarly, the convinced mindset is sure that past experiences are repeating themselves. It can be hard to convince you otherwise, and your actions flow from a belief system from the past that another cannot address adequately.

At the other extreme, a confused mind cannot find an anchor and gets lost in the storm. It focuses on everything and can't decide on anything. A confused mind challenges its perspective by not trusting what it knows, feels, and thinks. Bewildered by possibilities and life’s untidiness, being confused makes life messier than it already is. In opposition to the convinced mind, the state of confusion breeds distractions, cultivates chaos, and, never believing, its medley of competing truths remains restless and disconnected.

An overly curious mind becomes obsessed about the relationship or other person, excessively seeking answers to questions that can never be satisfied. This mind seeks perfectionism. It becomes embroiled in catastrophic thinking. Ironically, too much curiosity can lead to confusion. The constant milling over possibilities leads to a slew of unsatisfying answers where you constantly search for the sake of the search itself. It is not relational because much of it is going on in your mind, and even when you include the other person, it becomes more about confirming your narrative than learning from them.

In a few words, a convinced mind is presumptuous and arrogant. It doesn’t realize that never being wrong doesn’t always make you right. By comparison, a confused mind is flustered, disorganized, and easily dumbfounded. It needs to know that not making a choice is a choice.

Alternatively, a curious mind seeks information that is not readily available. Being curious enhances your focus on what you don't know, what’s possible, and what might be true. The power of curiosity overrides the overconfidence bias reflected by not knowing when you might be wrong. It's vital to remember that wrong never feels wrong in the moment. Your perceptions and beliefs reflect what you know to be true. But such perceptions and beliefs deserve to be challenged, at least now and again.

Beyond keeping judgment at bay, the upside of curiosity focuses your mind on learning and improving. To be curious is to wonder. In the earliest development phase, the human brain is wired to be curious about everything. Then, as you walk through the dailiness of your upbringing and relationship history, you accumulate experiences. When your experiences are similar, your mind detects patterns and connects the dots. In this way, your mind is designed to make sense of something rapidly, but only sometimes wisely.

Learning to be Curious

To have a curious mind involves openness and teachability.

Openness is refreshing and stimulating. Learning to be more open requires you to tolerate the gap in your knowledge actively. While “not knowing” may feel uncomfortable, be patient; amazing things will happen.

An open mind entertains novel ideas and looks forward to the twists in the road. When unexpected things happen, staying open to possibilities permits vivid experiences to enrich the moment and be colored by the complexity of emotions.

Teachability involves allowing the other person to fill in the gap of what you don’t yet know rather than your past doing so. Instead of being set in your ways and emotionally unresponsive, say, “What is there to learn from this situation?” When you do, your tolerance of uncertainty broadens your horizons and evokes experiences not otherwise invited. In this sense, when you learn something new, your mind expands.

Remember, your mind has little tolerance for uncertainty. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Flexibility involves considering different things while playing around with their connections and choosing wisely.

Flexibility is the extent to which you are willing and able to "bend" to respond to challenges, adjust to new information, and consider alternative solutions. In relationships, a healthy and flexible mindset is adaptive, which allows you to adapt to the demands of your relationship while still holding room for your preferences and needs. An adaptive mindset seeks to account for your needs but can evolve, consider new information, and be responsive to the situation. Sounds impressive, right?

When you’re flexible, the odds improve that you find satisfaction as you veer away from the rabbit holes of negativity and endless frustration. Instead of doing what you always do, flexibility looks for options. If you think of life as a target-rich endeavor, mental flexibility allows you to choose, from among many, the best target for you. Once selected, your confidence soars that you’re heading in the right direction.

The upside of psychological flexibility includes reducing stress, lowering anxiety, and containing depression. How does this happen? Having options prevents a lousy habit from repeating itself, which distances from a mindset saturated in doubt or, much worse, futility. Flexibility deepens resiliency. Moving in the “feels right” direction makes it easier to stay the course until you strike your bullseye.

Inflexibility

When you're not flexible, your mind moves to the edges and becomes rigid or permissive. These two mindsets are extreme ways of handling situations.

A rigid mind is exact, definite, and unchanging. It is single-minded. The mind that needs more flexibility is unyielding or resistant. In this state of mind, you struggle to shift from your thoughts to consider additional information or perspectives. Your experience has taught you what to expect from relationship situations, and your mind stubbornly predicts and interprets current events from this perspective. This limits your ability to adapt and respond to your relationship because your mind is only willing to consider a range of possibilities it has experienced. So, your mindset creates a situation where the past must repeat itself because you cannot tolerate feeling anything different.

Being rigid reflects an underactive mind. The motionless mindset sees itself as secure, guarded, and impregnable. The negativity of this mindset conveys the message that "my way is the only way. Your way doesn't count, and you don't matter." Due to a lack of energy orientation toward relationships, this mindset prefers solitary activities that do not require much work. You get less pleasure from relationships compared to what you observe in others. You may be indifferent to positive or negative feedback from others, who may see you as less expressive or engaged.

The rigid or resistant mind believes with conviction that it is always right and never wrong. The problem with this type of extreme thinking is that it is correct now and again, even if only by chance.

By contrast, a permissive mind is yielding, tolerant, allowing, and susceptible. Resolutely doubtful, it has no sense of its own. Swamped with too many choices, the permissive mind vacillates between not knowing and never knowing.

An overly flexible mindset is permissive or impressionable. Here, you do not hold sufficiently to your needs and attitudes, allowing another to sway you even to the extent that you forego your worldview. This can lead to self-doubt, the inability to stand up for your viewpoints or needs, and a lack of "focus" to understand your perspective. Your past has taught you that holding onto your perspective can lead to disapproval or rejection.

An overly active mindset comes in two styles. First, the reactive mind is unsettled, lacking stability, insecure, and highly changeable. It may be volatile or intense. This mindset fears abandonment, often connecting to longstanding feelings of inadequacy or inferiority. The second style, the idealizing mindset, frequently sees the world through rose-tinted glasses. While on the surface, you may seem to view the world with a positive attitude, this mindset often lacks necessary skepticism (aka naivety) and can be more easily led astray. The idealizing mindset finds comfort in the narratives provided by others, so they often do not wish to challenge this comfort by inserting their narrative into the relationship.

To protect yourself, your mind allows others to shape it. This can lead to confusion and a loss of sense of self, which limits you to a provisional identity (i.e., your sense of self is shaped by the question, “Who do you need me to be?”). Thus, you cannot be validated as your true self or be genuinely present in the relationship space.

Do you see how both mindsets are counterproductive in healthy relationships?

If there is one thing in the mental health field that separates healthy from unhealthy people, it is how a person demonstrates psychological flexibility. Having a flexible mind shapes your experience in unforeseen ways. Flexibility prevents you from being a one-trick pony or stuck in the box and doing things the way you've always done. Flexibility also increases your ability to be in contact with what is happening presently and act on long-term and mutually beneficial goals rather than short-term urges.

Learning to Flex so Things Don’t Break

A flexible mind involves three elements: 1) adjusting, 2) being creative, and 3) learning the art of anticipation.

Adjusting is responding to the unexpected rather than reacting. The proverbial square peg and round hole illustrate the point. Without making adjustments, you’re more likely to contest reality and, by conforming to your preferred point of view, spend all your time and energy squaring the round hole. The adage of getting it right rather than being right is helpful in this context.

Creativity involves the practice of developing unique options for unsolvable problems. The opposite of creativity is being mindless. When put this way, it makes the idea of having new ideas quite attractive. You can pull out a blank canvas to facilitate your creative nature when you are stuck and unsure about what to do. The active ingredient in creativity is contemplation. Since your mind can’t be in two places simultaneously, choosing to reflect and deliberate short-circuits your default tendency of thoughtless thinking.

Finally, anticipation is a special attitude of expecting the unexpected. This sets the stage for stepping into the situation rather than running from or digging in. When you take an anticipatory stance, your mind gets busy prospecting. Instead of holding fast to the status quo, the act of anticipation loosens your grip on what’s happening and shifts its focus to what’s possible.

The bottom line is a flexible mind bends during times of conflict so that things don't break down.

Remember, once your mind has made up its mind, it believes itself to be correct. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Trust requires time and effort.

Trust is the bedrock of every relationship. Without trust, connections are tenuous, and there is little reason to invest and even less reason to believe. As trust develops, truth becomes believable, commitment strengthens, and intimacy flourishes.

The foundational building block of trust is called “square one.” As confidence grows, the relationship gains depth and breadth.

The common understanding of “back to square one” generally infers a sinking of the shoulders, confusion, retreat, an unenthusiastic return to the beginning, and wiping out the progress gained. Nothing could be further from the truth in this context. Having a square one in a relationship is reassuring and strengthening, representing something to return to and mutually pressing the reset button. “We’ve been so distant lately. Let’s return to square one and figure out what’s been going on,” exemplifies how square one is used strategically and constructively, in a word relationally.

The power of square one allows people to express their feelings without triggering the other person’s defensiveness. There is no judgment. Instead, introducing square one into the dialogue provokes learning and invites mutual engagement.

What’s the Problem?

When things get treacherous, it is invaluable to be able to return to square one. Having a square one means mutually understanding and honoring a trusted connection that has developed over time and is worthy of continued investment. For example, John and Malika have been married for nearly ten years. When they met, sparks flew. They basked in the “click” from an instant connection. Their courtship was natural and unruffled by John pursuing higher education and Malika working extended hours as a nurse in a fast-paced emergency department. To everyone around them, it seemed like a sure bet they were a forever couple.

Fast forward to a decade later, John has been worrying more than usual, and Malika seems distracted and distant. Little things have been building up between them, which explains why they are quarreling. In the past, when differences arose, they put their cards on the table and asked each other, “What do you need?” Their trusted connection and affection for each other smoothed rough waters. They perfected the art of not making things bigger than they needed to be. Lately, however, they’ve forgotten what to do and how to do it because of compounded stress. They’ve forgotten how to trust their connection.

Thinking of a way to navigate this unfamiliar and unpleasant trend, Malika scheduled a session with a couples therapist. John didn’t balk when she told him what she had done because, deep down, he missed their organic connection and didn’t know how to get it back.

At their first session with a relational psychologist, the therapist introduced them to “square one.” The therapist explained that their strong and genuine bond with each other needed to be trusted and leveraged in that order. They were taught that as tension increased, they needed to go inside and feel the disconnect between them. Their lost connection was the problem, said their therapist; it wasn’t either of them.

Next, when sensing a divide, John and Malika were asked to repair the disconnection by saying, “I’m not sure what’s happening right now, but let’s get back to square one.” This statement is powerful and truthful. The term square one sends the message, “I love you now and forever. I don’t like it when we disconnect. Let’s not make things worse by complaining or blaming. Instead, let’s reconnect.” All of this is conveyed in the phrase “square one.” When mentioned, both of them can access their greatest relational asset, their undeniable and robust connection with each other.

After this session, John and Malika faithfully injected “square one” into their communication. At any time and under any circumstance, when either one of them referred to square one, their agreement was to lower the temperature between them and take a step back so they could get a little ahead of the tension. Too often, emotions take over in conflict, and we say or do things without thinking. Sharing the phrase “square one” rapidly puts things back into perspective so, as the saying goes, cooler heads can prevail.

It’s amazing when the message outperforms words. In relational psychology, this process is called “getting beyond words.”

No matter what happens throughout the day and stress pours into their relationship, returning to square one is equivalent to “home sweet home.” Being reminded of their inherent connection broadens John and Malika’s perspective and restores their focus on their partnership.

If John and Malika can do it, so can you.

The Power of Square One

The story about John and Malika reminds us of the power of square one. The phrase “square one” speaks directly to what matters most: mutually developed trust. As the picture below shows, everything stacks up neatly when square one is in place and jointly respected. However, everything falls apart when trust is ignored, disrespected, or abused.

The philosophy of Relationship Intelligence is founded on the principle that we need each other. The following statements make this fundamental truth clear.

Without connection, communication fails.

Without communication, relationships fail.

Without relationships, personal growth and development fail.

Do you see how essential connections are and how destructive disconnections can be?

Remember, your mind is not relational. It is not designed to bring people together. Instead, your mind is self-serving, keeping self-preservation as its top priority. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Private matters matter the most.

In relational psychology, the brain serves as a conduit for connection. Three elements hold paramount importance in this context: white matter, gray matter, and the often overlooked yet crucial private matters.

Let me explain this riddle.

The human brain is immensely complex. It comprises about 85 billion neurons or specialized nerve cells communicating with electrical impulses along superhighways, paved roads, and back alleys. When neurons connect, your brain is working. They send signals near and far to regulate your body, process the outside world, and prepare you to respond. These connections are responsible for every heartbeat and memorable moment, such as when you fall in love, and your heart skips a beat.

Before we delve into the fascinating world of private matters, let’s take a quick 2-minute tour of the brain's anatomy. Understanding the structure of the brain will help us appreciate how it functions.

The brain is popularly divided between the left and right hemispheres. Your left brain is known for being analytical, logical, detail-oriented, and responsive to time-sensitive matters. Shifting our focus to the other side, the right side of your brain sees the big picture, understands the gist of what’s happening, and specializes in making intuitive hunches. Your left side finds the right words to say, while your right hemisphere sees the whole message but cannot describe it.

Fortunately, the two hemispheres are not isolated entities but are intricately connected, working harmoniously to ensure your brain functions optimally.

Now, let's dive in a little deeper. The brain's outer layer, the wrinkled surface, is separated into four different regions or lobes. Each lobe, one on each side, specializes in broad areas of functioning, such as thinking and talking, processing bodily sensations, hearing and memory, and interpreting incoming visual information. The following diagram names the lobes so that you can further your understanding.

One of the most awe-inspiring aspects of delving into the brain's understanding is its intricate structure. From a neuroanatomical perspective, this involves exploring the fascinating contrast between gray and white matter, a complexity that is as intriguing as beautiful.

Gray matter forms the brain's outermost layer like a tree's protective bark. Visualized as a wavy, convoluted coastline in the diagram above, it serves as a hub for incoming and outgoing information, underscoring its pivotal role in the brain's higher level of functioning. As the connections between neurons in gray matter grow more robust, you get smarter.

White matter, on the other hand, enables you to react rapidly, which is handy in times of war, sporting activities, and responding to relational drama. It's the accelerator, the high-speed highway of your brain. It's what allows you to stay balanced when walking, focus, and solve problems lickety-split. It's the unsung hero of your brain's functioning. It's the stuff that lies beneath gray matter, and when its connections grow stronger, you can learn how to juggle.

There you have it. Gray matter is associated with intelligence, while white matter lets you score the winning goal, walk the balance beam, read a literary masterpiece from cover to cover, and be improvisational. They, indeed, are a dynamic duo.

The combination of gray and white matter forms a remarkable communication network that transmits crucial information to brain regions, the spinal column, and other body parts. This explains why gray and white matter matter in relational psychology. More specifically, a fundamental truth about Relationship Intelligence is often overlooked: communication necessitates connection. This is precisely what your brain is constantly doing. For your heart to beat regularly, your lungs to expand, and to remember to stop at the store on your way home from work, billions of neurons must connect to communicate their vital message effectively.

The Power of Three

Beyond white and gray, there’s one more thing that counts: private matters. While private matters don’t technically belong in this anatomical conversation, as your brain processes your life experiences, the memories of what happened get stored under the master folder called “private matters.” These include your wishes, dreams, fantasies, the name of your best friend in elementary school, and the details about the best day of your life. Of course, private matters also include times of misfortune, such as drama and trauma, such as the day your girlfriend broke up with you and learning that your mother passed away before you could kiss her goodbye.

It is our private matters that matter most.

Intriguingly, during our most vulnerable moments, we ask, “Do I matter?” This is why Relationship Intelligence matters so much.

In relationships, we deserve to be reminded that we matter, especially when we don’t feel like we do. In this way, curiously and sometimes exasperatingly, we depend upon others to bring us up, pull us up, and build us up. Do you see the catch? When we’re down and lost in the confusion of self-doubt, getting out of this funk requires a close connection with someone other than yourself. Thus, the curious reality:

To feel better about ourselves, we need others.

Here’s where things get tricky. What we desire privately is not readily known to others. In all honesty, people often have a hard enough time understanding what matters to themselves, let alone what matters to others. This sentiment is captured below.

Mirror Mirror

When you stand before the mirror, what do you truly see? When you delve into the depths of your mind, what revelations await you? As you contemplate your past, what shows up? As your future unfolds, are you in control of what happens next? When you think about what’s going on in the minds of others, what’s your best guess?

These questions remind you how hard it is to know, really know, what matters most to you and others.

The psychology of Relationship Intelligence provides valuable tips when navigating the choppy waters of private matters.

1. It’s about getting it right, not being right.

2. Relationships matter because they remind you that you matter.

3. Looking inside is more profitable than looking back.

4. Looking ahead is brilliant but can cost you a lot of time.

5. Be curious about the other person’s reality; it’s full of surprises.

6. Connect before you communicate.

7. Give feedback without judgment.

8. Happiness comes and goes; fulfillment sticks around.

9. Beware of public opinion; it changes constantly.

10. When in doubt, be present.

Summing Up and Moving On

Gray matter gives you intelligence. White matter quickens your step. Private matters are what truly matters. When put together, you gain wisdom.

Understanding what really matters begins when you focus on your inner experience. Then, paying attention to the words you silently choose to say about yourself is crucial. Do they foster positivity or negativity? Do they draw people closer or push them away? Are you building yourself up or tearing apart the fabric of your soul? Understanding this can transform your relationships, including your one with yourself. Next, the journey of teaching people how to love and respect you can take your self-worth to new heights. Lastly, contemplating something you don’t often give yourself, self-validation, expands your amour-propre, the faith in yourself, can be mind-blowing.

Remember, your mind expands by learning. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

It’s an open and shut case; adverse life events change us.

Let’s jump into the heart of insecurities by asking probing questions.

Are you living up to your potential? Do you have pleasure, happiness, or joy? Do your relationships enrich you? Do you experience relational warmth and feel like you belong? Are you provided opportunities to shine, exercise your competency, and stand out in ways that make you feel special? Do you chase people who don’t want to be caught? Do you have mental walls that prevent people from loving you? Do you choose people, or do they choose you? When the unlovable version of you shows up, are you being defensive or routine? Do you identify more with your reflection or your shadow? When you first fell in love, how did it end? What did early love teach you about your worth? Moving forward, did relationships fill you with more questions than answers, more misgivings than agreements, and did they encourage your confidence or apprehension?

The list goes on, but you know where it’s heading. Whether at the drop of a hat or a turn in the road, when something happens that you weren’t expecting, causing doubt to swell, are you patient and loving with your uncertainty and pain? Or do your self-criticisms run deep and cause you to waste time and energy trying to fix something that doesn’t need repair?

Since we are all challenged by life's capriciousness, the crowning question is not “Are you insecure?” Your answers to the questions above have put this to rest. Instead, the more important question is, “Are you in control of your insecurities, or do they control you?”

Insecurities Revealed

There are many detours in life, and they come in many forms and disguises. One popular detour is diversions, which distract us from putting time and energy into what’s most important. Perhaps your career took precedence over your marriage and family. Maybe your passion became an obsession, such as endurance running, and you keep running out of time to achieve a balanced life.

Another type of detour is the circuitous route, when people choose to make things harder than they are. For instance, consider the young woman, Amanda, bright and sassy by design, who finishes law school as president of her graduating class. It’s easy to surmise that she’s “Going places,” as one of her admiring professors stated. Yet, Amanda’s independence and stubbornness learned early in life, which she attributed to her being an only child and her parents divorcing when she was three, are her nemesis. She seems gifted in all areas except formalized testing. She’s tried to pass the bar four times without success. Instead of reaching out to one of her many mentors, Amanda’s self-sufficiency and pride insist she must do this alone. Her dogged autonomy motivates her detour, making things harder for her.

Turning another corner, for some, mostly the privileged, the pressure of family legacy narrows their future. As a graduating senior in high school, when Denise is asked what she’s going to do next, she replies, “I’m going into dentistry, of course.” Three generations before her have paved the path for Denise’s future to follow other people’s pasts. She claims to be excited, yet her voice lacks zest. What does Denise know that she can’t say out loud? Being a dutiful daughter, Denise hates to disappoint others. So, she has accepted her fate, which involves taking the presumed occupational excursion and becoming successful in dentistry. On paper, Denise is doing the right thing. In-person, her decision, chosen by others, will lead to great wealth but not personal fortune. She hasn’t told anyone, except her best friend, that her heart is set on going into engineering. What makes Denise tick is coming up with new ideas, not working with her hands.

For many others, we are given the runaround by hard luck, being told one thing and another happening instead. Patrick exemplifies this detour. His upbringing involved unending twists and turns. His parents divorced in his early childhood, his older brother, by four years, was killed in a car accident in high school, and his mother responded to this tragedy by turning to drugs. She swiftly became distant and a hollowed version of herself. If asked about his childhood, Patrick would say it was “good enough.” His basic needs were met, his small cluster of friends helped him find ways to stay busy and entertained, and he did well enough in school. Being the proverbial “forgotten child,” Patrick never received guidance about his future. So, he did what was next. After high school, Patrick went to a local community college. He dated but never seriously. He worked steadily at a restaurant and gained the owner's respect, who steadily promoted Patrick. Enjoying the restaurant industry but not passionately, Patrick stuck with this career path. Not knowing what else to do and having limited resources, Patrick was the general manager of this same local restaurant ten years after graduating from high school. When his class reunion invitation arrived in the mail, he felt left behind. It dawned on him how time had passed him by. His secure world was small, and he felt inferior. The real kicker happened just after Patrick chose not to attend his reunion. When the owner of the restaurant came down with a chronic illness, instead of handing the keys to the kingdom over to Patrick as promised “a million times,” it was the owner’s youngest son who stepped in to run the show. Not only was Patrick double-crossed, but his forgottenness was redoubled.

So What, Now What?

The main idea is that life is unpredictable and filled with fortune and misfortune. We all want to succeed. What obstructs us are the detours we take and the insecurities we develop along the way.

Insecurities are rooted in life experiences that leave us feeling misunderstood or mistreated. When repeated, we internalize a sense of deprivation and deficiency. Moments, when you were rejected, excluded, or devalued, are the primary sources of self-defectiveness. What’s fascinating about insecurities developed long ago is they never go away. Perhaps they go into hiding when you put energy into excelling and receiving glowing feedback. But at a moment’s notice and without warning, they rapidly reappear. Like an internalized trip wire, insecurities are a concealed trap.

Are we doomed to be enslaved by our insecurities? Do insecurities serve a purpose?

When triggered and disconnected from your true self, insecurities remind you of your shortcomings, peculiarities, and faults. From the author’s experience, “Never have I ever thanked someone for reminding me what’s wrong with me.” Why? Because I know my insecurities better than anyone, thank you.

Nobody enjoys feeling insecure. It’s a state of inner confusion, vulnerability, and disempowerment. Whether something happens around you that makes you feel insecure or is self-generated, being insecure is, at once, deeply familiar and unwanted.

When triggered, insecurity creates self-doubt, which threatens your integrity. There is a fundamental paradox related to this phenomenon. The experience of insecurity produces a tension of flux and fixation, enacted by the discomforting interplay between feeling insecure and being insecure. No longer are you connected with your true self, the bestowed version of you who is always there, just not always present. Threads of truth stored in your memory banks awaken to remind you of your least favorable experiences.

Think of insecurities as an inner Geiger counter that detects familiar and unfriendly memories. When activated, it’s time to listen and not ignore their signal. Becoming acquainted with your insecurities is a welcome step toward weakening their control over you.

Regaining your inner balance requires awareness of what’s happening inside and acknowledging its presence. In psychology, there’s an expression, “If you can name it, you can tame it.” Borrowing from the folk wisdom of this thought, let’s shift to naming the various types of insecurities.

1. Inferiority.

2. Inadequacy.

3. Insignificance.

4. Ineptness.

5. Insanity.

There they are, the big five. Think of the events in your life that didn’t go according to plan. Contemplate how moments of rejection, exclusion, and being devalued impacted and stayed with you—such moments shaped and misshaped your sense of self. Becoming acquainted with your insecurities is a welcome step toward weakening their control over you.

Now, the time has arrived to reshape your identity, the internalized image you hold dearly, and get back on course to become the person you were always meant to be. This is your “true self.” The process of regaining control over your insecurities is to be aware when they show up, listen to what they are saying, and realize they’re nothing more than echoes from the past.

You are much more than a constellation of what you’ve been through. While life's fortunes and misfortunes impact you, they mustn’t be forever. What you do next is what matters most. When something triggers your insecurity, the author deeply enjoys the brash attitude associated with the phrase:

“So what, now what?”

Try it on for size. Practice saying this to yourself when life brings you down, lets you down, or pulls you under. It’s up to you to stand up for yourself by pushing back and stepping into your future to realize the vision of who you are.

Summing Up and Moving On

Given life's unpredictable nature, the real question isn't whether you have insecurities. It's about the power dynamic: Do you control your insecurities, or do they hold the reins?

Remember, your mind expands by learning. When you open your mind to new experiences, your perspective shifts. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who's in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Put your values into action if you are able. Hence, valu-able.

What is most important to you?

Does your answer reflect something bigger than you, such as your child, family, and partnership? Do you factor your sense of self into this equation, or are you more likely to push yourself aside? How you answer this question reflects your values and what’s most important.

Psychological research shows that companionship and family make people happier. If true, why do we chase after the promotion, cherish money like the ultimate treasure, and massively consume trinkets, possessions, and worldly goods like nobody’s business? Does the seductiveness of achievement, appearance, and affluence have a grip on us that won’t let go? How do we break the cycle of selfishness, greed, and insecurity? Or are we just human and need to learn to enjoy the ride with less consternation and moral guilt?

The simple answer is to knowingly and steadily put time and energy into our values.

Values are aspirational and inspirational. They guide you in a spectacular direction while providing the energy to stay the course. Values are, at once, a roadmap and compass. When you remain true to your values, you move closer to being the person you were always meant to be.

Impressive, right?

Happiness and Values: Do They Connect

It’s easy to say one thing and do another. When your words and actions conflict, people notice. The pivotal question is, “Do you?” What’s your track record for saying what you’ll do and doing what you say? Do you drop the ball now and again and become your own worst enemy? Is your life guided by mixed messages, and people see you as unsettled, perhaps two-faced and untrustworthy?

In the busyness of life, it’s easy to become distracted by high-pressure deadlines, mounting responsibilities, and juggling, constantly juggling. The saying, “If not one thing, it’s another,” is bafflingly apropos when describing modern life.

At the Relationship Intelligence Center, we’ve developed a suite of psychological concepts, insights, and tools that help you navigate life’s unsolvable problems. While powerful and life-changing, your values become optional without being true to your moral code. To help people get on track and stay on course, the concept of “valu-able” was discovered.

Are you ready, willing, and “able” to act by your values? Demonstrating your ability to follow your values regularly and predictably is what is meant by “value-able.” When you put your values in a primary position that guides your priorities and behaviors, you are being “value-able” or, without the hyphen, actively valuing yourself and others. If this sounds like you, Congratulations! stay the course. If you’re a bit uncertain, let’s put your values to the test.

Put Your Values to the Test

Since behavior doesn’t lie, you can discover what’s most important by taking the values test. The test is easy but tricky. The test asks you to be more honest than right.

Here’s what you need to do. First, study the pictograph below. Second, number your top priorities. Put a “1” in the sector reflecting your top priority, and a “2” for your second, then a “3” for your third choice. Place the numbers inside the white circle if committing to each value comes easy to you, and place it outside if “you’re working on it.” Next, sit back and mentally note how you feel about this reality staring back at you. Finally, here’s the hard part, ask someone who knows you, a confidante, to look at your completed pictograph and share with you what they think are your top priorities. Do their thoughts align with appraisal?

The values test results are meant to verify, expected or not, whether you’re on course and heading in the direction you desire. As an aside, but essential, understand that all values have three things in partnership: common sense, common decency, and the common good. Being true to yourself and staying aligned with your values means that good things happen to you and those around you. Note that values entail mutual benefit.

Values make the world go round, spinning compassionately and collaboratively.

When your words and actions match, you are living up to what you stand for. Being single-minded about making a difference and helping others by helping yourself is a prizeworthy mission. It gives you purpose, motivation, and direction. The optimal trifecta.

In our consumer-saturated society, it is easy to get sidetracked or mugged by shiny objects such as fame, fortune, and beauty. If your test results were unexpected and disappointing, don’t fret. It’s never too late to press the redo button and begin moving toward being the person you were always meant to be.

Valu-able Psychology

In relational psychology, good things happen when you put your values into action. The diagram below shows how “valuable” connects with fundamental concepts, including the self, marriage, parenting, and divorce. While it may surprise that divorce made the list, it is vital and included because as families restructure because of divorce, adjusting to a new normal is made easier by living in accordance with shared values.

The philosophy of Relationship Intelligence is founded on the principle that we need each other. Without connection, communication fails. Without communication, relationships fail. Without relationships, personal growth and development fail. Do you see how essential connections are and how upsetting disconnections can be?

Remember, your mind is not relational. It is not designed to bring people together. Instead, your mind is self-serving, keeping self-preservation as its top priority. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Parenting is a creative and curious endeavor.

Whether planned or unexpected, the decision to have children requires thoughtfulness and an appreciation for present-day circumstances while looking into the future. It's a journey that surprises everyone, even when you think you have it all figured out.

Accordingly, deciding to have children and parenting them have much in common. Attention to overall conditions while knowing the past, managing the present, and forecasting the future combine to inform how you parent. Then again, there are those times when we just wing it.

Parenting is a Verb and Takes Effort

Nobody is prepared to be a parent, let alone know the ins and outs of parenting. As your child grows, so do parental responsibilities. It’s common to question whether you’re cut out for parenting over the long haul. What your child does and how they do it can challenge your integrity and ingenuity, leaving you feeling deskilled. “How is it,” you may whisper to yourself, “something I created has so much control over me?” As days become weeks and your child’s years add up, being overwhelmed and bone-tired is too often the rule, not the exception. Then yet another reality hits when you realize there are not enough hours in the day.

So, you may wonder, “While my child is growing, am I?”

As you step into the parent role, you develop a parenting style over time and events. In your dreams, you want to be the parent who keeps her cool under fire or knows what to say to soothe your child’s tortured soul. However, with your eyes wide open, what you do and say may be a far cry from the image of the ideal parent you hold in your thoughts and dreams.

If wishing made it so, we’d all be amazing parents.

What is Your Parenting Reputation?

Parenting reputation is how others perceive and experience you. Your reputation enters the room well before the rest of you show up. Knowing this tidbit gives you an advantage. Remembering your parenting reputation will keep you on track while focusing on and investing in mutuality. If your reputation needs a bit of polish, this is accomplished by doing things that reflect your true self. Instead of being defensive, be curious. Replace straight-at-you opinions with round-a-bout suggestions. After you do something, ask yourself, “Am I proud of what I did and how I did it?” When the answer is a resounding “yes,” congratulations, you’re moving in the right direction. Keep going! If your inner dialogue is not so friendly, we can help. Remember that doing things alone is the fastest way to make your life harder than it needs to be.

A big part of knowing “how to” optimize your parenting requires understanding what you’re doing now that works and doesn’t. Curiously, discovering the answer to this query and tapping into your true potential may be right before you, staring you in the face from morning to nightfall.

What’s that? you ask.

Keep reading. A strikingly powerful tool for self-development and taking your parenting to the next level is right at your fingertips. It’s called asking for feedback. When you get a Mother’s Day card from your child, they give you feedback. When your child cries out, “I hate you!” you’re getting more feedback. Of course, some feedback requires skillful translation. This is accomplished by listening to the message while you tune out the words.

Feedback gives you what Paul Harvey, the much-missed legendary radio broadcaster, was famous for saying: “The rest of the story.” Here’s some trivia for those who don’t recognize the name Paul Harvey. He personalized radio news delightfully and emphatically with heart-warming stories of average Americans. Using his rhetorical style and one-of-a-kind delivery style, he famously championed rugged individualism and the fundamental decency of ordinary people. He’s missed but not soon forgotten.

Unfolding the difference between being a parent and parenting reveals “the rest of the story.”

Let me lead with an example. When you’re training to run a marathon, beyond buying shoes that fit perfectly and finding the one pair of shorts you can’t live without, your training is optimized when you adopt some form of feedback. Most importantly, in the world of running, this involves tracking time. As you log your times and stand back to examine the numbers, you appreciate your progress. Numbers don’t lie; you are faster today than when you started. This feedback brightens your smile and broadens your perspective. It also lets you give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back. Without feedback, your personal records would seem forever ago, but remember, data doesn’t lie. Your training times nowadays are leaps and bounds better than when you started three months ago. Thank feedback for your expanded mindset. Your relationship with running improves with feedback.

You’re probably thinking, “Sure, when it comes to running, feedback is helpful, but when it comes to parenting, well, feedback just sounds scary.”

Understand that receiving and implementing feedback improves your parenting rapidly. Beware, the process is tricky. It requires your willingness to ask for and receive comments, impressions, and opinions from those who know your parenting style better than anyone–your child.

By asking your children for feedback about your parenting and parenting style, you are sending the message that your partnership with them is of the utmost importance. However, just because you ask and they tell doesn’t make what they say profound and actionable. No, you are setting the example of being a person interested in personal and collaborative growth. By the way, congratulations; it takes tremendous courage and a willingness to be vulnerable.

Once you’ve received feedback, it’s recommended that you take this information under advisement—sit on it, ponder it, and extract the gold from it. Then, please report back to your child and tell them what you learned from their feedback and what you plan on doing with it. This is your chance to take the gist of your child’s comments and reframe them in a way that makes sense for you and them. Also, it is nice to ask your child to keep their eyes open to ensure you steadily grow as a parent and partner. By doing it this way, you're strengthening the parent-child partnership.

Do you see how feedback can be amazing when promoting parenting growth?

One more thing. Once you’ve modeled for your child a willingness to ask and receive feedback from them, it’s their turn. This is when parenting becomes fun. You say to your child, “I got to thinking about how much your feedback helped me. Can I give you some feedback?” Let the fun begin!

Summing Up and Moving On

Learning the art of Valuable Parenting is achieved by parenting with connection in mind. By keeping the connection between you and your child at the highest level, you will keep yourself on track from regressing and falling into the trap of becoming “just like your parents.” That’s right, it happens to all of us eventually.

Below, the concept of Valuable Parenting is blueprinted to help you optimize your parenting style by learning how to turn conflict into connection. The diagram highlights the process of Valuable Parenting by identifying important and intersecting aspects of this lifelong and life-changing journey.

If you want to purchase Dr. Zierk’s parenting manual entitled “Valuable Parenting: Parenting with Connection in Mind; Optimizing Parenting with Intentionality, Curiosity, and Flexibility,” contact our office at 303-290-8000 and ask for Carol.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Find your true self and act on it.

Hands down, the self is our most valuable possession. So why do we mistreat it so often? How is it possible that humans can override their survival instincts?

Our identity is near and dear to our hearts. It’s the one crisis we least expect and know how to navigate. We invest heavily in our image and famously pay an immense ransom to maintain a youthful appearance. Our reputation is priceless, and when damaged, the costs are incalculable. Our “self“ is, at once, ever-present and nowhere to be found. We hold tightly to the person we want to be while the person we really are slips through our fingers.

The legendary Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, whose personal vision brought together the body, mind, and soul, famously causing him to part ways with Sigmund Freud, provides the following quote that eloquently reveals the sense of Valuable Selfhood.

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

Threaded by the fits and starts of childhood and adulthood, “selfhood” gathers our attention with unbridled interest. Who we become is left to our imagination and boldness of choice. The construction of selfhood by forming and being formed casts its shadow on who we are and tend to be. As if joined by a rope, the unending tension between being and doing is tugged and heaved, forming and shaping what’s mysteriously called the “self.”

What’s more valuable than self? How did you come to be? And how much sway do you have over what happens next? Are you in contact with your true self? If you believe such ponderings are worth some of your time, let’s go soul-searching.

Soul Searching

The first compelling step in embarking on the journey of self-discovery is to pause for self-reflection. How satisfied are you with your life? Do you surround yourself with supportive people? You know, the kind of people who bring you up much more than let you down. Do you spend more time climbing the social ladder than walking the path of life? Are you placing your needs first or overly focused on others? Do descriptors like “people pleaser” and caretaker” fit? Do you wait for the approval of others to act?

Let’s keep going. How often do you get to be vulnerable? Is your best friend real or imagined? Do you spend most of your time trying to get ahead so you don’t fall behind? Do you invest in relationships with people who have little time or interest? Do you spend more time reliving moments better forgotten or those you never want to forget? Do the people in your past who no longer mean anything to you stay in your thoughts unwillingly and confusingly?

Just a few more. Do you still experience separation anxiety, finding it difficult to be alone? Can you genuinely say that you love yourself, or do other thoughts distract you from embracing your authenticity? Do you betray yourself by spending too much time judging rather than learning? How much have you really grown up?

Your answers reflect your journey of being and becoming, of forming and being formed. They resolve or bewilder the unending tension between intimacy and independence. Where you fit in and how you stand out are endlessly bound. It’s your choice, fortunately, to determine how they get woven together.

It’s Just You, But We Need Others

Your sense of self starts with a connection. You come into this world joined to another. With a sprinkle of good luck, your earliest memories are those of feeling safe and supported. With fingers crossed, it’s hoped those who raised you were generally healthy and attentive to your needs. It’s further hoped you are held and touched, your cries heard, and your needs met in your early years of life.

As a busy toddler learning about the world, were your stumbles and frustrations responded to with patience and caring? When you fell down, was someone there to pick you up? When you cried, did someone keep you company? When you did something amazing, did someone celebrate alongside you?

Did someone show great interest in you in your early school years, nurture your growth, promote your efforts, and teach you the power of contributing? Did you feel valued and validated during the ups and downs of adolescence? Were you given the opportunity for more independence while still having the supportive safety net to catch you when you stumbled?

Did your early relationships teach you that other people will understand you, that your needs matter, and that it is safe to rely on others to meet them?

Your upbringing and relationship history reflect the hand you were dealt and the luck you had along the way. Tethered tightly together, they may seem unassailable. It may appear you’re up against uneven odds, forever at the mercy of your past and its messaging. If this is your thinking, then please know that you’re approximately correct and absolutely wrong. The life ahead of you is not predetermined. You have free will to make choices and take chances that don’t mimic your past. Putting your agency into motion and ascending to the stars, however, does require partnership.

The life lesson from this quick trip down memory lane is we need each other.

True Self

The concept of “true self” was discovered to you understand the importance of keeping your eye on the right ball. Too often, in everyday life, you either become the person the other person wants you to be (provisional self) or spend considerable time and energy defending yourself (protective self) from attacks against the version of who your behaviors reflect you have become.

Your true self strengthens when your sense of competency, desire for connection, and allegiance to autonomy or self-direction come together. Your true self is a commitment to becoming the person you were always meant to be. Think of the type of person you most admire or respect. The image that appears becomes the template for your true self. Next, think of the legacy values attached to this image. These values become the stepping stones for moving toward becoming your true self. Some of your top values might include fairness, honesty, integrity, courage, restraint, kindness, compassion, gratitude, and respect. What values come to your mind?

True Needs

The main purpose of relationships is to meet your needs, the ones you can’t meet yourself. Essentially, you want to be loved and respected within the ebb and flow of relationships. While both are vastly important for developing and maintaining healthy and mutually beneficial relationships, your true needs lie underneath these two vital concepts.

Attention, Affection, Acknowledgement, Approval, Applause

When it comes to true needs, remember they represent different paths to the same destination. These true needs reflect what you crave the most from other people - validation - the experience of being understood and treated as though you matter. By the way, the only time you need to be reminded that you matter is when you don’t think you do.

Summing Up and Moving On

Learning the art of Valuable Selfhood is achieved by finding your true self, identifying your true needs, and acting on them. Keeping the connection between who you are and who you are meant to be at the highest level will keep you on track from regressing and falling into the trap of being the person you think others need you to be. That’s right—you have choices, one of which is to discover your true self and act on it!

Below, the concept of Valuable Selfhood is fashioned as a blueprint to help you optimize your sense of self by learning how to connect with your true self. The diagram highlights the process of Valuable Selfhood by identifying important and intersecting aspects of this lifelong and life-changing journey.

Remember, your mind expands by learning. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Stand up for yourself without putting others down.

There it is! What you just read is the most essential life skill you’ll ever master. When practiced, this form of self-advocacy helps you reclaim power, find your voice, and set the stage for your needs to get met. Amazing, right?

When something doesn’t go your way, and you tremble inside with a subjective detachment, who knows better than you what you need? Almost certainly, the answer is “just you and only you.” If you wait for someone to read your mind, cross the empathic bridge, and give you what you need, want, desire, or deserve, chances are you’ll be waiting quite some time.

So, stop waiting.

If this situation sounds familiar to you, then the time has come for you to think about how to take advocacy to the next level. Advocacy is the fast track to improving your quality of life and thriving amidst ongoing challenges.

In your everyday walk of life, what does an audit reveal about the feedback you regularly receive? Do you find it more harmful than positive? Are you exhausted and battle-torn because of your time explaining or defending yourself? Do you wonder why the world hasn’t yet discovered your talents, skills, and unique perspective? If others could hear what you cannot say, does it sound like, “I’m not asking for a lot, just for someone to get me and remind me, now and again, that I matter; is that too much?”

Let’s begin unfolding the self-advocacy process.

Puddle, Lake, or Ocean?

Whether your personality is quiet, reserved, and more bashful than boastful or loud, proud, and a bit sassy, self-advocacy begins in the same spot–here and now. Namely, it starts by knowing that something doesn’t feel right. Typically, you feel a deficit or excess; something is missing or coming at you too much. Put another way, it comes down to either not getting what you need or getting what you don’t deserve. Either way, what’s happening is an opportunity for you to stretch your advocacy muscles.

Sizing up the situation quickly by asking yourself, “Is my inner experience a puddle, lake, or ocean?” Knowing how big your feelings are, how corkscrewed your thoughts have become, and how large the stakes appear allows you to respond proportionally.

Quick Tip. Sizing up the situation lets you respond proportionally, which is key to optimizing your self-advocacy style. When you minimize your response, you’re downplaying your value. Conversely, when you magnify your response, chances increase that others will perceive you as dramatizing your concern and assessing your worth too highly.

Once you’ve anchored yourself in knowing the size of the problem, which determines how much amplification you need to defend yourself, the next step is learning how to do so with style.

Identifying Your Needs

The next step in the process is knowing your needs so that you are in a position of authority when they're not met. We get five essential attachment needs from others that we can’t easily give ourselves. These include Attention, Affection, Acknowledgement, Approval, and Applause. When satisfied, you will feel a deeper connection with yourself and a stronger attachment to others.

When your needs go unmet, you’ll feel deprived. Being in psychic debt shows up when you feel repeatedly misunderstood and alone while questioning your self-worth. Moreover, this unpleasant state can make you feel stuck and deskilled. Not knowing what to do, we often retreat to our early learning and shut down or get even. Both options fail to remedy the situation, and you’ll continue to feel insecure.

Attachment injuries are the opposite of attachment needs. Misunderstood and mistreated are the two overarching categories of injuries. When examined more closely, attachment injuries include being Ignored, Hurt, Dismissed, Rejected, and treated with Indifference.

The following side-by-side charts show what you need (look left) compared to what you don’t deserve from others (look right).

Quick Tip: Don’t confuse “normal” with “healthy.” The diagram above aims to help you remember the difference between healthy and unhealthy attachment experiences.

Knowing what you need deserves the highest ranking. Understanding when you're being injured is imperative. Feeling at the mercy of what’s happening to you when being misunderstood or mistreated is easy. This is why foresight is key to maintaining a sense of control.

Anticipation is not suppression. It’s when instincts join with intelligence. It’s tapping into your ability to feel the future. Anticipating being injured lets your thinking brain stay a beat ahead of overwhelming and highly familiar emotions. You can successfully navigate feelings of helplessness and intolerable vulnerability by shifting your attention and action to what’s most important: you.

Put Up or Shut Up

Which of the two choices sounds more like your style?

Let’s bring this to life. Think of the situation in which a young man, let’s call him Roberto, wants to ask Rachelle out on a date in the worst way. He’s been thinking about it for weeks; no, it’s more like months. His friends, who have grown tired of hearing about what he wants to do, finally say, “Roberto, put up or shut up!”

Roberto’s friends are asking him to advocate for himself. In short, they’re saying, “Make up your mind and do something (put up), and if your choice is to do nothing, then shut up.” While the advice Roberto is given by his friends is well-meaning, it’s approximately correct and absolutely wrong. The upside to what his friends are saying is encouraging him to take a risk by stepping into his desires to see if his dream comes true. The part that feels off-target is sending the message that it’s a do-or-die situation. It never is. It’s okay to do nothing if nothing is your preferred outcome. The bottom line is that Roberto deserves more options other than put up or shut up.

The dilemma confronting Roberto, and perhaps you too, is whether you control your future or allow your future to control you.

Quick Tip: Know that options give you power. Stay alert to those moments when you feel you're being backed into a corner. This is when you become susceptible to returning to your default mode. Stay present. Don’t let others push you around or force you to do something that feels unnatural. Give yourself time. Don’t rush self-advocacy. In time, it will flow naturally.

Fortunately, there are more than just these two options when developing an effective style of standing up for yourself.

Creating Options

The critical message in this section is that you have choices, and options are power. The process begins with realizing your previous efforts to stand up for yourself are insufficient. It’s not that you’ve failed; it’s that your previous habit of defending yourself doesn’t lead you to success. Do you understand the difference? Thinking you're inadequate makes the hole you're standing in deeper. Knowing it’s time to learn new habits is equivalent to putting down the shovel and walking away from the hole.

Now that you’ve learned to resist the urge to do what you always have done, it’s time to activate your growth mindset. Instead of avoiding or attacking when you’re feeling put down, use the heightened neural activity in your brain to think creatively. One idea is to try doing the opposite of what you typically do. Another idea is to share with the person what’s happening inside of you instead of focusing on what they did to alter you. Still, another idea is to share what you need with the person, not what you don’t deserve.

Any choice you make is an expression of personal freedom. Once you’ve tried something new, stand back and see how it works. Then, make micro-adjustments to polish your emerging self-advocacy style further.

Quick Tip: One last thought, and it’s important. Regardless of what you might do, step back and ask yourself, “Is this person interested in learning about how I tick and what I need?” If not, save your breath and look for someone worthy of your time and energy.

Summing Up and Moving On

Self-advocacy is summed up in the diagram below. To recap, the process asks you to size up your concern. Then identify your needs by examining what you no longer deserve. Third, while it doesn’t always feel like it, remember you have options. Creating options supplies freedom. Next, assess the level of support you might receive from the other person. Finally, let it fly. Share your new approach to conflict with the other person if you dare. And don’t let their judgment bring you down. Likewise, tell your negative self-talk to “shut up!”.

Final Tip: Surprise your future. Connect with the unconditional love you have for yourself and try something new again. Remember the good old days when you jumped at the chance to make a snow angel or when you asked your neighbor to play sidewalk chalk? It’s true; self-advocacy exists in you and might need a reboot.

Remember, your mind expands by learning. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Deal with the situation without making it bigger.

This life skill spotlights the importance of perspective. When practiced, this skill expands your reality by moving you beyond perception. Amazing, right?

You’re bombarded by stimuli in daily life. The rapid mingling of your five senses explains how you process your surroundings. Each sensory channel provides critical input and is uniquely responsible for shaping perception. Together, they offer a complete picture of what’s happening. Or do they?

Intriguingly, much of how you comprehend the world is whittled down to light and sound. Of course, the other senses uniquely inform your experience. Touch, smell, and taste are invaluable as they make life more appealing. Without touch, playing piano becomes chopsticks. Touch provides texture and allows you to feel quality. Beyond detecting situations from romance to danger, smell triggers distant and otherwise unreachable memories that reside deep in your brain. It is a smell that “takes you back” to days gone by. Finally, only through taste do you truly understand the meaning of bitter-sweet. Also, without enjoying flavor, there would be no sweet tooth.

Respecting all senses, let’s now concentrate on light and sound.

Light impacts everything from mood to alertness. When deprived, a form of depression called seasonal affective disorder (SAD) can develop. The so-called winter depression, brought on by shorter days and more extended periods of darkness, alters people’s relationship with their surroundings. Visual perception involves shapes, designs, and colors. Without the latter, life becomes black, white, and gray, useful but hardly entertaining. What was once vivid would appear drab. Truly, sight makes life easier to comprehend. Visual learners rely heavily on reading and seeing pictures. Various studies show roughly 65% of the population are visual learners. Even more breathtaking, about 90% of the information transmitted to the brain is visual. Let’s add that vision occupies about 30% of your entire cortex. Do we need to say more?

Last but not least is your listening experience. From the sound of a dripping faucet to an air-raid siren, depending upon intensity and salience, what you hear happens in the background and foreground. Sometimes, it’s your choice.

“Click.” What was that sound? If you were hiking at dusk and heard the “click,” the hair on the back of your neck would stand up and become a call to action. In a different situation, a similar click barely catches your attention, such as when you are in a staff meeting, and the person next to you clicks their pen, not enough to be irritating, just enough to notice.

When sound is organized, it’s called music. When dissonance is heard, it becomes noise. What makes music interesting is that one person’s favorite symphony is another person’s racket. In music, “to each, his own” explains preferences.

A fun scientific fact is that your left ear tunes into music better than your right, which is better at understanding language. This is because of a concept called contra-laterality, meaning opposites, in which the left side of your brain processes information from the right side of the world. Wow, who knew? Your ears are not the same!

In summary, perception is an elaborate process that blends raw sensory data to create a meaningful understanding of the world around you. While extraordinary, beyond perception is another unique phenomenon called perspective, which can change your world.

Keep Things In Perspective

Perspective explains how you and your best friend can watch the same movie and have diverse opinions about its quality. How the two of you filter the film, which relies upon life experiences, memory, emotion, and sensitivities, accounts for how the same stimulation produces different sensations.

The richness of relationships and personal development shapes one's perspective. Life is complex, and so are we. By contrast, the classic phrase “Is the glass half empty or half full?” crudely divides people into pessimists and optimists. This rapid test typecasts your worldview and how you approach situations. While there may be some broad truth to your answer, more frequently, the result reflects something approximately correct and absolutely wrong.

What does this brain twister mean?

It means keeping things in perspective is vital to keeping your sanity in check. Don’t fall for quick fixes. Refrain from swallowing things hook, line, and sinker. Keep your eyes open and fill your mind with curiosity. Also, give yourself sufficient breathing room to realize that universal statements are not gospel but lie on the range of clever hunches, sarcastic barbs, and bare-faced lies.

Like most things, worldviews and mindsets exist on a spectrum. Whether your glass is half empty or half full, the amount of water in it rises and falls based on context and circumstances. Remember, even the weather can alter your mood.

So, when it comes to understanding how you understand something, while your upbringing and relationship history are influential, you have a mind of your own. That’s right. You do have free will. Your perspective is up to you; it can expand or shift if you practice a few things.

Unlike most things…

As humans, we are deeply attracted to instant wins and snap enlightenment. We look for shortcuts and ways to cheat the system when possible. This life perspective is acceptable until doing so doesn’t work. It’s fine to be passionate about a topic and to have an informed opinion. However, when your opinion matter-of-factly rejects positions held by others, you may be so locked into your point of view that your perspective disallows dialogue across the aisle.

Uniquely, having perspective requires perspective.

Quick Tip…The point of this discussion is not to put you down, call you a cynic, or label you a fool but to highlight the importance of thinking beyond your perception and considering the perspective of others. Doing so broadens your worldview and moves you toward positive-sum interactions with others. Essentially, this quick tip asks you to listen to your better angels.

Perspective Taking

Let’s now move toward what it takes to gain perspective about your perspective.

Step One…Attention

Like the first principle of learning, focus on your current perspective by activating self-reflection and self-monitoring. That is, bring attention to what you’re focusing on. Being curious about what you know and how you know requires a willingness to examine your beliefs, opinions, decisions, and preferences. This can be started by giving it a good guess. As in, “I guess that I lean toward conservative politics because growing up, my father was outspoken about what liberals were doing wrong.”

It’s important to remember that the process of perspective-taking focuses on getting it right, not being right.

The popular term “mindfulness” invites you to observe your thinking without judgment. So, be mindful of your perspective by being present, shifting your awareness to your thinking, and accepting what others are saying not as naked truth but as an exciting point of view.

Step Two…Language

Words reflect thinking, which explains emotions. Emotions give life depth and color, and actions make words, thoughts, and emotions come alive.

Reflecting on the above description reveals the power of language. Tuning into your words can teach you much about your thinking and perspective. Then, ask yourself whether your words are inviting or dismissive, empowering or discouraging, helpful or hurtful. Do your words expand your mind or reinforce your beliefs and privilege being rational over relational?

Thinking can be fluid or rigid. Take your pick. The former shows an interest in novelty, while the latter reflects repetitiveness. One of them expands your mind, while the other rewards your knowledge. Only one of them promotes perspective-building. Again, take your pick.

Step Three…Empathy

What do you care about? Your perspective is narrow if it’s focused on protecting your turf and winning at all costs. This type of action is equivalent to a zero-sum game, which is only fun for you. If you’ve heard the term but aren’t sure of its meaning, the “zero-sum” refers to “I win, you lose.” Originating from game theory, it reflects the propensity where one person’s gain would be another’s loss. Poker is a great example. While everyone wants to win the pot, doing so is only possible when someone loses their wagers.

On the other hand, broadening your perspective is facilitated by thinking in terms of “win-win.” The fastest way to connect with another person is to get out of your mind and contemplate what’s going on in the other person's mind. This starts with practicing the art of “reading the room.” This phrase refers to rapidly assessing the mood, dynamics, and underlying qualities in a social setting. For some, this is easier said than done.

Consider entering a room and seeing a gigantic thermometer to make it easy. This isn’t your ordinary thermometer. Instead of measuring the temperature in Celsius or Fahrenheit, this magic thermometer monitors and reads the general feeling of the room. It might read “serious,” “playful,” or “curious.” What the readout, this instrument would give you an at-a-glance ability to read the room. Try this the next time you walk into a room you’re not accustomed to.

Once you’ve grown comfortable reading the room, the next step is learning how to read a specific person. While this may sound impossible, it’s done by practicing empathy. Without going into too much detail, being empathic involves focusing your thoughts and feelings on what the other person is thinking and feeling. Taking on another person’s perspective is accomplished when you see what they see, feel what they feel, and understand why they’re thinking what they are.

Step Four…Self + Other + Us

The equation listed above (self + other = us) reveals the prize for working on expanding your perspective. When you consider your opinion alongside others, you’ll experience excellent connections.

Enhancing connections and expanding your perspective is accelerated when you put time and energy into your relationships. One strategy for keeping your eye on the ball is to move toward mutuality. This phrase accentuates the importance of doing things that benefit you and others. The power of mutuality fosters growth in your authenticity, social competence, and relational reputation. This latter concept is critical.

Relational reputation is how others perceive and experience you. Your reputation enters the room well before your body shows up. Knowing this tidbit gives you an advantage. Remembering your relational reputation will keep you on track while focusing on and investing in mutuality. If your reputation needs a bit of polish, this is accomplished by doing things that reflect your true self. Instead of being defensive, be curious. Replace straight-at-you opinions with round-a-bout suggestions. After you do something, ask yourself, “Am I proud of what I did and how I did it?” When the answer is a resounding “yes,” congratulations, you’re moving in the right direction. Keep going!

Summing Up and Moving On

Perspective, as illustrated in the diagram below, is a journey. It begins by turning your attention inward and listening to your own words. Are they leading you towards positivity or negativity? Are they attracting people or pushing them away? Then, the power of empathy comes into play, elevating your perspective to new horizons. Lastly, contemplating something you can never give yourself broadens your perspective, potentially blowing your mind.

Remember, your mind expands by learning. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Be aware of how your behavior impacts others.

When you focus on your intentions, it’s easy to lose sight of impact. Doing a good deed or giving a compliment sounds great. But their greatness depends on how they are received, not how they were intended.

The song “Almost Home” by country singer Craig Morgan is a tearjerking example of the intention-impact mismatch. It tells the story of a well-intentioned person who sees a homeless man sleeping behind a trash can on a “flashing five below” cold day. Thinking the man may be dead, the good Samaritan gently shakes him to see if this is so. It isn’t. On the contrary, when awakened, the homeless man irritatingly shared he was “almost home” and proceeded to list what was happening in his dream.

The moving nature of these lyrics reveals the need for us to think before we act. To make the point dramatically, the great poet T.S. Eliot said, “Most of the evil in this world is done by people with good intentions.” Point made, point received.

Mind Over What Matters

Your mind works fast, making sense of things in the blink of an eye. This is great when hiking in the woods and hearing an unexpected sound in the brush. Right away, your instincts kick in, and without consciously thinking, you take action, increasing the odds of living another day. Thank goodness for reflexes passed down by our primitive ancestors.

The relational world is night and day different from the great outdoors. When dealing with people, not bears, anticipating how your words and actions will land is critical for everyone to enjoy the exchange. When people care about people by caring about how their behavior is experienced, the world becomes a better place. Common courtesy contributes to the common good. Common decency promotes movement toward a common cause. Under such conditions, trust grows, people rely upon each other more readily, and an unspoken sense of community makes people feel safe and increasingly willing to reach out for accessible support. Imagine the possibilities of a world where everyone is mindful of their behavior.

What a great world this would be.

When people don’t or won’t anticipate how their behavior impacts others, the great divide in civilization grows wider. This is a malignant reality that we need to confront. The more we understand the impact of our actions, the more we can work towards a more harmonious society.

Brass-knuckle selfishness improves the odds of people winning the jackpot. How does this happen? People who don’t care about others have given them a license to do whatever they desire. Personal freedom and power become their highest aspirations. Above trust, above equity, above justice, which is seen as shackles against their pursuit of individual liberty, when greed trumps the common good, the world becomes their oyster. Think about it: when helping each other out is never on your mind, you can prioritize yourself. Doing so puts you in a position to obsess over pleasure, possession, prestige, and power.

In psychology, labels are imposed on people who care only about themselves. For such chest-thumping individuals, satisfying their needs is the only thing that matters. What names do we give such people? There’s a slew, beginning with pathological narcissism, grandiosity, and antisocial personality. When no longer bothered by diagnostic nomenclature, other descriptors include selfish, arrogant, conceited, self-absorbed, pompous, calculating, self-important, entitled, and the list goes on. Such people are well known for their interpersonal exploitiveness and knack for being emotional predators. Lacking empathy and possessing unlimited superiority, self-glorification, supremacy, and unrivaled vanity become a way of life. They only hear and listen to their personal narrative. They surround themselves with people willing to serve the master, whose favorite number is zero-sum.

In a good world, we need fewer of these people. Their slick chatter undermines the common good, contributing to the receding of trust and the fading of diplomacy.

Level of Impact Sensitivity Awareness

The code name for impact sensitivity is LISA, which stands for “level of impact sensitivity awareness.” Listening to LISA is imperative for improving your relationship intelligence. “What would LISA say?” is a thoughtful process for dialing into and improving your sensitivity to how you may impact others.

Now that you know LISA, let’s take this concept to another level.

Step One…Anticipate. Before you respond, consider the possible impact of your actions and words. While keeping your needs in mind, focus your awareness on the potential consequences of your following action. What are you about to do or say? Is it helpful or hurtful? Is the other person ready to hear what you are about to say? While you’ll never know for sure, your instincts will inform you whether you should tap the brakes or give it a little gas.

Step Two…Ask. If you’re still unsure about what to do, you can always ask the person if you can share something. Consider asking the person if this is a good time for you to give them feedback. Asking sends the message to the other person that they’re essential. Asking is also a form of common courtesy.

Step Three…Try. After you’ve quieted your mind, honed into your instincts, and gained assurance that the other person is receptive, it’s time to try. Trying is doing something different. You will stretch your relational muscles and tone your receptivity when you try being mutually helpful, beneficial, and considerate.

Step Four…Review. This last step is based on common sense but is often overlooked. Reviewing involves using observational skills to take mental notes about what happened, who benefitted, and whether something needs modification. Remember, it can't be undone after you say something or act a certain way. To help align your intentions with a favorable impact, use the TLC filter to discern your next step.

T - Is it True?

L - Is it Loving?

C - Is it Constructive?

In your conscience, there is always a whispered truth. When you quiet your mind and listen carefully, you’ll detect the voice of reason, heartfelt compassion, and the collective good.

Summing Up and Moving On

The diagram below sums up impact sensitivity. The process asks you to draw your attention toward your inner experience. Then, it’s time to listen to your words.

Remember, your mind has a low pain threshold and struggles to distinguish between being hurt and injured. This is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control—you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Know when the line has been crossed.

Imagine a line, a threshold, that, when crossed, transforms your world. It's not just a line; it’s a boundary that, when respected, can make your life much easier and better. It sounds amazing, right?

So, what's this line all about? Think of it as an invisible border that's universally present. It’s like a personal boundary that, when breached, triggers a wave of unwelcome emotions. But when honored, it can guide you toward a happier life. Can you see how this might apply to you?

To be more precise, let’s call this line your tolerance threshold. This line has immense value because your sense of self takes a direct hit when it’s dishonored, discredited, or dismissed. Something shifts inside when you can no longer tolerate intolerable behavior. When unacceptable behavior directed at you is not acceptable, your emotions alert you to take action. You might blow a fuse and later regret your reaction. You might play possum and, acting like nothing bothers you, make yourself an even bigger target for people to disrespect you. Whether you go big or act small, these extremes don’t work in the long run. They make things worse.

Recognizing when someone has crossed your personal boundary, regardless of your reaction, prepares you to respond relationally. It's important to remember that this is a two-way street. To be relationally intelligent, you must also be aware of when you’ve crossed another person’s line.

Big or Small

When your line gets crossed, whether you go big or act small, increasing your familiarity with the power of the line helps you navigate life’s uneasy moments. By the way, uncomfortable situations in life are characterized by one name–conflict. Learning to turn conflict into connection is the ultimate life skill.

What you tolerate, how long you accept something, and for whom you make exceptions inform your degree of self-respect, self-worth, and self-admiration.

Let’s put “the line” in perspective by using the classic example of parenting.

When your child disregards house rules or community laws, attaches toxicity to their words (uses vile name-calling and unfiltered expressions of vulgarity), or acts as if other people don’t matter, your child is being disrespectful. When disrespect is shown, your child is crossing “the line.”

You know your child has crossed the line when they think rules don’t apply to them or that they’re above the law. Being on the receiving end of a child’s disrespect is disorienting and hurtful. During such hostile times, it’s common for parents to feel dazed, confused, and deskilled. Not knowing what to do because of the shock value of your child’s objectionable behavior gives them an upper hand.

It’s common for parents to react to personal attacks by becoming outraged and excessively and harshly punitive. While we may hope that taking extreme measures during verbal assaults will extinguish the undesired behavior, too many times, the punishment only temporarily dampens the parent-child hostility. Since behavior doesn’t lie, what’s needed is the capacity to look underneath your child’s behavior for what’s motivating them to cross the line.

The provocative phrase “Behavior never lies, people do” conveys the importance of focusing on your child’s actions rather than their character. Since behavior doesn’t occur randomly but is motivated by an underlying need, a parenting stance of remaining curious instead of judgmental about your child’s actions is extremely helpful for retaining your psychological balance and keeping your cool.

From Parenting to Partnering

What does parenting teach us about partnering?

Partnering is the process of connecting with others when you work, love, and play. Maybe you have a tennis partner or someone at work you always “partner” with when asked to break down into small teams. Think of partnership as the experience of feeling close to another person. When you tell someone, “I really enjoy our partnership,” you’re saying that you like the feeling of an alliance.

In partnership, something unique happens. A third entity is formed. Instead of their being just you and me, when connected, there becomes an “us.” When you think about it, the most valuable thing you can’t give yourself without the help of someone else is the sense of being united.

When you look at your relationship with others through the lens of partnership, you gain the advantage of taking things less personally. When something goes awry between you and another person, the problem is not you; it’s not them; there’s something wrong with the partnership. Do you see how this takes some of the sting out of conflict?

What’s happening is you’re reframing conflict as something that occurs between people, not within. Of course, you can have internal conflict, but the same relational logic applies. For instance, if you’re not feeling good about yourself, consider the difference between: “I don’t like myself for letting my team down” versus “I know I let my team down; I need to reflect on why I dropped the ball.” Unlike the first statement, the latter sounds like something you would say to a friend, not a foe.

By stepping out of yourself and partnering with your “self,” you find room to be objective, fair, and balanced. Sounds amazing, right?

Where Do You Draw the Line?

Do people step on your toes? Do you frequently find yourself in a room where you must yell over the noise? Are you in a relationship who treats you poorly and then blames you for reacting to their off-putting behavior? Do you cope by doing nothing? When you give a person feedback, do they say, “Lighten up, I was just joking!” Do you deal with conflict by pretending it never happened?

This is what “the line” comes down to. How people treat you and how you respond to such situations shapes your identity, reputation, and future. In short, the stakes couldn’t be higher.

If you want to improve your odds of being happier, nurture the connections that bring you up, pull you up, and build you up. How is this done? The short answer is to be relational, which means being the person in the lives of others which brings them up, pulls them up, and builds them up. Don’t get sidetracked by being right; focusing on getting it right is better.

Quick Tip…Don’t wait for others to respect and treat you like you walk on water. While you deserve both, it starts with you!

Let’s get practical. Instead of being a pawn in your relationships, become a powerbroker. If any of the descriptions mentioned at the start of this section sound faintly familiar, then learning how to challenge someone, including yourself, to become a better version of themselves improves the world. The diagram below illustrates the five steps to distancing yourself and others from self-doubt.

Step One… Safety first. Trust your instincts. If something inside you feels wrong, listen to your gut and respond by seeking shelter. By keeping an eye on safety at all times, you prioritize your wellness. It's crucial that others feel safe enough to be vulnerable, which is a critical element in fostering trust and positive relationships.

Step Two…Be supportive. Step into the other person’s world and offer to be of assistance. By lending a helping hand, you are inviting gratitude.

Step Three…Validate, validate, validate. In the relational world, this is where the action takes place. When people validate each other, it promotes goodwill and inflates self-worth. The phrase “Two birds, one stone” comes to mind. Validation allows people to feel understood and valuable.

Step Four… Depending on the first three steps, you can more effectively challenge people. When any of the previous steps is missing, people are likely to fall into self-doubt.

Summing Up and Moving On

The line is a critical part of your journey toward becoming relationally intelligent.

Remember, your mind is not relational. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Analyze your behavior across time.

In behavioral psychology, a popular expression is “What gets measured gets managed.”

While not all things are measurable—for instance, think about how your parents influenced your upbringing—the idea of measuring what you do is spot on when trying to understand your habits better. When you track your behaviors, you gain perspective.

One thing all elite athletes have in common is the habit of tracking. They monitor everything, from the food they consume to the miles they run. Not a bite or step goes by without being logged. Okay, so most of us aren’t training for the Olympics or Mount Everest-bound, but we’re all interested in setting personal records of some kind.

Perhaps you’re interested in losing weight, knocking a few strokes off your golf score, or running a half-marathon. There are others motivated to write the next great American novel, hike the Appalachian Trail (hold steady, it’s over 2,000 miles long), read the Bible front to back, or take their marriage to the next level.

All of these goals are prizeworthy.

Time to Achieve

Achieving goals is trickier than making them. Why is this? Just like finishing a marathon requires keeping one foot in front of the other, every goal worth reaching demands self-discipline, resilience, and tenacity. What makes staying faithful to stated goals is time blindness.

It’s easy to lose track of time. We all have at one time or another. The concept of time blindness reflects the challenge of keeping time in mind. When this happens, time flies or gets away from us. The former happens when we’re enraptured by what we’re doing, what’s called being “in the zone,” and we lose all track of time. That’s a good thing. But when time gets away from us, that’s another matter. This experience happens when we get distracted from what we need to be doing and, instead, put energy into what’s preferred.

For those with ADHD, time blindness is a diagnostic indicator. When a person has a reputation for not sensing how much time is needed to get something done, such as saying, “I’ll be done in ten minutes,” but two hours later, they’re still working hard, it’s neurodevelopmental. Knowing that the brain shifts between directed and automatic attention, the ADHD brain struggles with the former and has a love affair with the latter. Do you?

What people with ADHD have in common with the rest of us goal-pursuing addicts is our relationship with time becomes altered. The key to reversing this trend involves accessing your inner speech and what you tell yourself. In your busy life, now and again, ask yourself, “Is time on my side?” “What am I doing with my time?” and “Am I in control of time, or is time controlling me?”

Now that we’re working to make time work for us rather than against us, let’s talk about habits.

Analyze Habits, Reach Goals, Live Happily Ever After

Time is a graph's “X” axis and horizontal or side-to-side plane in statistics. Measuring things across time lets you analyze trends, which gives you the big picture. While important, something else is needed to create a dynamic picture. Oh, yeah, we need the “Y” axis, too. This axis is a graph’s vertical or up-and-down plane that reflects what we’ll measure over time. You may recall from middle school math that when graphing, the X-axis always comes first, followed by the Y-axis. Without getting into arithmetic weeds, the equation looks like (x,y). Look familiar?

The point of this brief trip down memory lane is to emphasize that time always comes first. Heads up, this is just as true in your life as it is in math. That’s why you were asked earlier, “What are you doing with your time?”

Now that we’ve stressed the importance of time, let’s ask, “What needs to be tracked?” In line with this blog's focus, the time has come to track something important, such as your habits.

It’s well-known and often cited that habits are hard to break. This reality comes with both good and bad news.

First, the good news.

If your habit involves waking up early and going for a run, the good news is that you’re vitalizing your cardiovascular system, which optimizes your brain functioning. Also, by the time you get to work, chances are you're in a good mood, your focus is sharp, and you’re pleasant to be around. If your habit is dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s, chances are your attention to detail is greatly appreciated by your highly critical boss. Also, when you plan a vacation, your husband is deeply grateful because things go as planned. The habit of exercising and focusing on details are healthy habits, as long as you don’t take them to the extreme.

Now for the bad news.

If your habit is to have one too many drinks when you get together with people, your reputation is at risk. Drinking beyond your limit is likely causing others to be concerned about yourself, your health, and your safety. If this sounds like you, take a hint from your friends and be concerned. If your habit is to complain and blame everyone for everything, chances are people see you as playing the victim card. Also, your negativity is socially undesirable and likely costing you in more ways than you know. Drinking and victim-signaling are difficult for others to tolerate. It’s time for you to change your habits and learn the lesson of moderation.

Now, let’s get to the heart of this blog. Knowing the importance of remaining aware of time as you track a particular behavior puts you in charge of your future. How is this so? When you track your habits, the data collected allows you to analyze where you are going. Are you heading in a direction that improves your happiness and strengthens your self-esteem? If so, keep tracking. If your data tells a different story, reach out for help and get some ideas about how to do things differently. Then, track some more and see what your data tells you.

Summing Up and Moving On

Remember, when you track your habits, you collect information about them, which puts you in the driver's seat of your life. Now that you know who’s driving, keep your eye on the road as you head toward the horizon of living happily ever after.

The chart below reflects the habit analysis process.

Here’s another important tip about how your mind deals with habits. The mind prefers repetition. Because of your preference for doing the same thing over and over, your mind guides you down the same path, even when the path isn’t the best choice. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Staying ahead by stepping back.

Knowing what to do when nothing obvious is apparent is being savvy, an uncommon word with remarkable power. Being savvy means having options, trusting the best, adapting based on the outcome, and remaining steady.

The word savvy derives from Latin, meaning “to be wise or knowing.” It entails an interplay of perception, understanding, and practical know-how. When combined, savvy manifests cleverness and being steadily thoughtful while keeping others in mind, which outshines all other options.

A savvy life stance tells the world, “Bring it on; I’m ready!”

Unsolvable Problems

In relational psychology, it’s been said that 70% of life’s problems are unsolvable. Yes, you read that correctly. The lion’s share of challenges confronting us keep repeating and don’t go away. They may slip under the covers masquerading as resolutions, agreements, and cognitive slight of hands, inferred by such expressions, “Let’s agree to disagree” or “Whatever!”

Because unsolvable problems recycle, you need to be ready when they reappear. This is where being savvy becomes your trusted friend and closest ally.

Embracing the unsolvability and repeatability of your trials and tribulations is the first step in understanding the philosophy contained within Relationship Intelligence. If problems are unsolvable, it’s time to relax your grip on the ever-popular fix, solve, and repair mentality. In its place is a new mindset focusing on navigating challenges. While being smart is handy, dancing with life’s hardships and navigating the rough waters of life demands learning the craft of being savvy.

This unique and inspiring word, “savvy,” guides you to stay slightly ahead of what’s happening while standing slightly back from the situation. This stance lets you see the big picture while appreciating the details without getting tangled up. Standing slightly back lets you see the whole puzzle, and staying ahead gives you time to understand how the pieces connect.

Remember, in most life situations, you’re not on a clock. You have more time than you think. So, knowing that time is on your side, permit yourself to take time to “get it right” rather than “being right.”

The savvy mentality is captured poignantly in the following expression by Paul Brown.

“When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less.”

Savvy is not just about modesty; it conveys having earned the distinction not to boast. Even more, the restraint built into the savvy mentality is motivated by doing things that promote the common good. That’s right, advancing in the direction that creates mutual benefit is seen by the savvy person as the most efficient pathway toward peace, justice, and equality. Ambitious? Of course, but achievable.

The expression stated above gracefully conveys a savvy mindset by playing up the importance of being comfortably confident. Quite different from being smug and conceited, the savvy stance projects a sense of control or mastery of a situation without needing to be the smartest person in the room. This stance projects a person in control with little interest in being controlled or seen as controlling. Quiet strength is projected, not asserted. Arguing and debating are replaced by provocative dialogue, supportive feedback, and playful brainstorming. Just to let you know, knowledge is shared, not ordered. Expectations are discussed, not instructed. Pulling replaces pushing. Instead of applying pressure, advocacy is exerted. Understanding takes center stage while “knowing” is assigned a supportive role. Being “relational” is placed at the highest level, to be modeled, not admired.

While analyzing trends is important, starting new fads is essential. Looking backward provides historical reference in practice, but it’s moving forward and exploring the unlikely pathway that may lead to incredible treasure. Stated another way, while examining patterns is useful, finding the moxy to start a new pattern can make all the difference. Saying, “Let’s go!” without knowing where you are heading brings about breakthroughs, breathtaking discoveries, and quantum leaps.

In the language of savvy:

Instead of examining the curve, it’s time to get ahead of it.

Masterminding a savvy attitude involves replacing judgment with a learning mindset. This statement underscores the difference between having a fixed versus growth mindset, as described concisely and helpfully in “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol Dweck, PhD. By leading with “How else can we achieve success?” and “What options are not yet discovered?” confidence at the moment joins an optimistic forecast of what might happen next. Being savvy also substitutes “Why?” with “Why not?” This exchange motivates others to pull together and actively participate. By focusing on learning and what’s possible, amazing things happen. People start sharing hunches, gut reactions, and thoughts that are not fully developed but are worth considering. In essence, people take chances and are applauded for doing so.

Being savvy upgrades problem-solving and its need for “being right” with “getting it right” by making quality connections and working together. At its core, the savvy mind is motivated by mutuality and an unquenchable thirst for collaborative creativity. Remember the phrase, “Two heads are better than one?” There’s wisdom in these words. It speaks volumes about practicing a savvy mindset.

Being savvy invites you to shift your focus from rationality to relationality. Doing so requires rehearsing radical awareness, self-control, emotional regulation, and zealous mutuality. Being savvy requires being clever while maintaining steady thoughtfulness.

Remember, always remember…

It’s about getting it right, not being right.

Summing Up and Moving On

The philosophy of Relationship Intelligence is founded on the principle that we need each other. Without connection, communication fails. Without communication, relationships fail. Without relationships, personal growth and development fail. Do you see how essential connections are and how destructive disconnections can be?

Learn by heart. Your mind is not relational. It is not designed to bring people together. Instead, your mind is self-serving, keeping self-preservation as its top priority. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control—you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Negativity gets us every time.

Why are we drawn to the black dot? Perhaps trickier; how do we stop seeing it?

Yes, the attractive woman with flirty looks catches our eye. But that black dot—what is it about the color black? Once it grabs our attention, it owns us. Negativity is so, well, captivating.

In Mind Rules: Who's In Control—You or Your Mind? Dr. Zierk states that the mind’s favorite color is black. He explains that the mind is highly sensitive to negativity and keenly detects hints of danger and threat.

There’s our answer. This explains it. It’s evolution. We are drawn to negativity to keep us alive. Black signals danger, so we perceive it immediately and react just as fast. If black were just another color, our chances of seeing another day would be lowered. This is a good thing.

But the plot thickens.

The Psychology of Negativity

Your inner world is a merry-go-round of odds and ends. You have emotions, thoughts, more thoughts, memories, fantasies, hopes, desires, worries, and still more thoughts. When your thinking becomes saturated with unwanted and unpleasant musings, life takes a turn for the worse. How do we turn down the negativity? Is this even possible, or do we need to knuckle down and grind away until we knock ourselves out? Is negativity something we must endure, or is there something we can do?

Once negativity infiltrates our soul, you might think that your chances of living happily ever after have passed you by. Case in point, looking at the black dot in the picture above, we forget about the woman’s flirtiness. We must be doomed!

But there’s hope. Lots of it. Let’s begin by understanding your inner world step by step.

Stepping Back into Happy

Your mind is complex and puzzling. To gain control over its habits, it must be provoked but playfully. This can be done by understanding the interplay of words, thoughts, emotions, and actions.

First step: words frame thoughts.

You must find the words describing your thinking when you share a thought. This is much harder than it sounds. Why? Because no words fully capture what is going on inside you. Consider the expression, “A picture tells a thousand words.” We all know this is true. It follows that you need a billion words to describe what’s happening in the depths of your mental universe, especially when your world gets rocked. Even then, I’m not convinced I would know what you know about your inner life. Even so, words work well enough when chosen sensitively.

The bottom line is to stay curious about the mental world, find words that match and share with someone you trust. Their reflections help you dig deeper, gain perspective, and make sense, at least partially, of your never-never land.

Second step: Thoughts explain emotions. Humans have the amazing capacity to think abstractly, concretely, impulsively, and thoughtfully. Our thinking can reflect something earth-shattering, such as the cure for cancer, or more subtle but just as important, including what you’d like for dinner.

Your thinking allows you to make sense of the world around you. It can just as easily reflect wisdom as it can steer you in the wrong direction. Your life experiences enrich your noodling, creating a reality map. Your thinking influences your quality of life by moving you toward surviving, living, and flourishing.

Using your thoughts to explain your feelings introduces a new dimension to your lived experience. Emotions are like colors; they place what happens to you on a scale that helps you understand what’s good, bad, and everything in between. If asked how you’re feeling, you might answer, “Fine” or “Not bad.” If you were provided a selection of colors to choose from, such as red, blue, yellow, and black, and asked the same question, your answer would be more interesting and truthful. Emotions are more than just useful, they’re vital for a life worth living. Thinking about your feelings is a good step in the right direction.

Third step: Emotions give life depth and color. As discussed above, emotions add depth and meaning to your life. It’s common to divide emotions in half by saying they’re either positive or negative. When harnessed, it is emotions that motivate. When let loose to run wild, emotions create chaos within and wreak havoc with others.

Understanding that emotions give your life depth and color, it’s good counsel to be aware of your emotions and name them, so you can control them. If you don’t, no doubt they will control you.

Final step: Actions make words, thoughts, and emotions come alive. Now that we’ve covered the bases of words frame thoughts, thoughts explain emotions, emotions give life depth and color, it’s time to take action. What you do makes your world go round. Choose wisely, and your world rotates clockwise as it should. Choose poorly, and the counterclockwise motion of your life will take its toll on you and those around you.

Since a picture is worth a thousand words, here’s what the “stepping back into happiness” process looks like.

Summing Up and Moving On

Understanding your inner world is challenging because of its complexities. Many things have happened to you, some good and some you’d rather not revisit. Further, the hand you were dealt gave you your parents, family members, and, lest we not forget, your genetic makeup. The biology of you determined your givens, such as height, body type, hair color, and your giftedness.

Mixed together, the hand you were dealt and your luck along the way produced you. Fortunately, you do possess free will. While you may not have been encouraged to speak your mind or express your emotions during your developmental years, today is a new day. Here’s the plan: select words compassionately that mirror your thoughts, use your thinking to ponder and share your emotions, give yourself permission to be emotional, not recklessly but truthfully, and take action that serves you well.

Remember, your mind’s favorite color is black. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

The past is sticky, sometimes too much.

Put yourself in a comfortable position in a room with no distractions. Close your eyes, take a few deep cleansing breaths, and permit your mind to journey where it needs to go. Trust your instincts; they are strong and reliable. With an open mind and feeling grounded in the present moment, mentally travel back in time as you read the following line.

How do you finish the phrase, “Remember when…”

Where did your mind take you? What memory showed up? If you drew a blank, go back to relaxing and try again. This time, allow your mind to wander back to the past. Don’t force anything. Count to ten, with a “Mississippi” in between each number. Let your recollection come forward organically. This is not a test. This is an exercise of freedom, stored experiences, and time travel.

When your mind is given the freedom to travel back in time, where does it go? What memory shows up? Again, don’t rush it. Return to the phrase, “Remember when…” until a memory surfaces. When it does, let the memory linger. Don’t push it away, don’t try to make sense of it, and observe what story from your past reemerged.

Bringing the Past into the Present

The memory that your mind shared with you is interesting. Don’t get caught up in asking “Why” this particular mental souvenir reappeared. Instead, embrace its presence and trust that the story needs to be retold. Your memory is something that happened that didn’t decay or vanish. It was stored for a reason. Often, it’s because of something unfinished, unexamined, or pleasingly interesting. Remember, not all memories are grippingly poignant. Sometimes, they show up just because.

When you’re ready to examine the memory that appeared, consider the importance of the following phrase:

Stay ahead of your past so you don’t leave your future behind.

This phrase suggests that when your past repeats without being dealt with, you’ll have a harder time stepping out of its shadow and into a brighter light. For this reason, letting the memory stay around opens your mind to deciphering and savoring its message. Don’t overthink this exercise. It’s meant to be intriguing and interesting, not specifically newsworthy.

If you want to, close your eyes again and repeat the process. When you’ve “remembered when…” a few times, consider sharing your experience with someone close to you. Your walk down memory lane may facilitate captivating dialogue. If nothing else, it’s hoped you’ve enjoyed the experience of being vulnerable and trusting your mind to take you back to a time worth revisiting.

Summing Up and Moving On

Remember, your mind only remembers what it can’t forget and can’t forget what it doesn’t want to remember. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control—you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Some things work; some work even better.

Waiting for inspiration is nerve-racking and baffling. A lightbulb moment or flash of brilliance comes now and again, but we crave it sooner and more frequently. Hence, our nerves fray and our minds fluster when we hit a rough patch or skid into writer’s block because inspiration seems light-years away. It seems the more we crave creativity, the more it evades us.

This is puzzling, for sure.

Creativity comes in all shapes and sizes. At its peak, we reserve notable names, such as masterpiece, an American treasure, magnum opus, tour de force, and the Nobel Prize. We offer award-winning labels like blue ribbons, trophies, kudos, and gold stars on a smaller scale. Then there are the consolation awards of booby prizes, participation ribbons, and bronze medals, you know, for those whose medals are never remembered.

Creativity is like catching lightning in a bottle. When the magical moment strikes, the skies open, a divine light beams, and angels in heaven sing.. But waiting for such groundbreaking moments causes time to stand still, and we’re left wondering if the Gods above have abandoned us. Sitting in the middle of nowhere, waiting for the inner fire to light, a question arises.

“How to awaken inspiration?”

While innovation seems like a rare experience, it can be coaxed with practice. That’s right, you don’t have to wait for Wah-lah! But patience is required. When you get into the habit of exercising your creative side, fresh thoughts and ideas show up. Of course, not all your original thinking will be mind-boggling and jaw-dropping. That’s the point.

Mind Dumping, Not Brainstorming

Practicing having great ideas starts with not lowering your expectations; obliterating them. The path to Leapin’ Lizards! is not linear, logical, or predictable. Instead, it’s provocative and playful. Much more is happening in your mind than reflected by your production. Permitting yourself to access your mind differently and letting what’s discovered spill out is called mind dumping. If brainstorming is intended to solve problems, then mind dumping is about tinkering, dabbling, and doodling to see what happens next.

Tapping into this creative spirit requires a different mindset, and here it is.

Creativity finds you; you don’t find creativity.

This mindset encourages you to let go of the Promised Land Thinking Syndrome. Rather than doing things so something happens, keep opening new doors for the sake of having them open. Let go of your telescopic dream of expecting the next great idea behind one of the doors. It either will be or won’t; that’s the creative mindset in action. Paradoxically, creativity follows moments of stillness, optimized by being present.

From a practical perspective, here’s something you can try. Practice generating ideas without considering their value. Remember that all ideas are promising because they lead to the next thought, the next one, the next, and so on. Generate for the sake of generating. To help you embrace this mindset, think of the activity of riding a stationary bike. Effort is required. How much effort is exerted is up to you. But the point of stationary riding is exercise, not to get anywhere.

The next phase of practicing creativity requires you to suspend judgment. Doing so is both complex and tricky. As humans, judging is as natural as eating. We all do it, many times too often. Since the opposite of judgment is learning, focusing on what you don’t yet know is needed. Let me share some ideas on how to grease the wheels.

Having rebellious thoughts loosens the grip judgment has on your thinking. “Rebellious” means actively disobeying the mental rules established by your upbringing. Releasing yourself from the life lessons you learned during times you didn’t know you were being taught is thinking rebelliously, independent from your history. For instance, if you lean toward perfectionism, this was learned long ago. Internalizing high standards was something you mastered during your developmental years, and it stuck. Without requiring years of psychoanalysis, knowing when you are setting the bar extremely high allows you to giggle when your mind dumping falls below expectations. Giggling represents you defiantly pushing back on your tendency to judge. Giggling works for two reasons. One, humor creates a pause that lets you fill it in with something new. Second, you can’t giggle and judge simultaneously, at least not genuinely.

As another example, if you grew up believing it’s bad to color outside the lines, challenge yourself by disobeying your internalized rule. While there’s no guarantee that you’ll find inspirational gold by coloring this new way, what is known is that you’ll have a new experience. Again, that’s the point of mind dumping. Remember, creativity is about being provocative and playful, a dynamic duo.

Summing Up and Moving On

Practicing creativity is as tricky as you imagine or as easy as changing the question “Why” to “Why not?” In addition, as you become accustomed to practicing creativity, you’ll learn that some things work, and some work even better. Enjoy mind dumping, suspending judgment, having rebellious thoughts, and striking gold.

Remember, the mind expands by learning. When you open your mind to new experiences, your perspective shifts, and creativity may emerge. So, our challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control— this is where you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Everybody knows you can’t be in two places at the same time but most people don’t know that we often are.

The concept of time is essential to the quality of connection. This connection applies to how well you are tuned into your inner world and linked to those around you. In this way, you can be impressively connected or dauntingly disconnected from your thoughts and feelings and those of others.

The key to improving your connections is learning how to split time.

Splitting Time

When reflected upon, time can be split in two ways. First, time involves your awareness of what’s happening at the moment. As seconds tick by, awareness of your actions or inactions comes and goes. The nurturing mother responds at a crucial moment to her infant’s crying. Her instincts provide her with a sense of timing and instruct her when to take action and when to wait, watch, and wonder.

Focusing your awareness on what’s happening in you here and now is popularly known as mindfulness. You are engaged in the moment as you tune your senses to what you’re touching, feeling, hearing, or seeing. When your breathing becomes your focal point, you are at the point of time known as “now.” When you focus on what is happening in your body or may be happening in another person’s mind, your engagement is active in real-time. Paradoxically, this moment-by-moment consciousness allows your mind to disconnect from the passage of time as you attend to what’s important at the time.

Be patient. It takes practice to be adeptly aware of your inner workings and those of others. Please know, however, that being “in the moment” pays dividends, so keep practicing.

The second notion of time is reflected by what you’re doing across time. This focus on duration involves a different mindset. Recalling the mother and child mentioned above, if she constantly attends to her child, time loses meaning. Also, her job becomes overwhelming, and her child doesn’t learn to satisfy his own needs. When duration is honored, the child remains aware his mother is present over time, not all the time.

You are no longer fully present when your attention shifts to then and there, whether attending to the past, future, or both. Instead, your mind has switched to a time that is already gone or yet to happen. The process of reflecting on times gone by can be informative and instructive. Analyzing something that happened or planning for something yet to occur provides valuable perspectives. Seeing the big picture by loosening your grip on details allows you to thread the past, present, and future into a seamless tapestry. Instead of losing track of time as you did when you focused on the moment, shifting your attention to the duration allows you to appreciate what’s happening over time.

Of course, too much reflection can be counterproductive. In psychology, the experience of remaining attached to your repeating thoughts that are unproductive is known as perseveration. Stated another way, the habit of replaying a past event or being unable to let go of unwanted emotions is called dwelling. As in, “The young boy couldn’t focus on the test because his thoughts continued to dwell on what happened last night between his mother and father.”

You are being productive when you think about something to gain objectivity and disentangle yourself from your thoughts and feelings. Give yourself a pat on the back; you are ruminating. When your thinking identifies patterns and looks for options, you’re working in your best interests. This process of pondering is also referred to as “thoughtful thinking.”

Time Zones

The process of separating time into moments and duration results in what are called time zones. Knowing your time zone and the people around you can make all the difference.

For instance, your body may be present in your own space, but your mind has floated away. As a result, your mind and body have split, and you are in two different time zones. Knowing you’re in competing time zones may explain your sense of anxiety, dreaded thoughts, or a general feeling of restlessness. Converging your time zones will likely put you back in control of your situation and state of mind.

Time zones are more richly explained when considering the difference between “going” someplace and “being” at some place. In the example above, while your body was “being,” your mind was “going.” Another example is the Johnson family, who packed their car for vacation. Everyone is loaded up, traveling for hours to reach their destination. The Johnsons’ vacation doesn’t start until they arrive at the beach resort. Routinely, they initiate “being” on vacation when stepping in the sand. By contrast, the Smiths do things a bit differently. Their tradition is to focus on “being” on vacation the moment their car turns out of their driveway. While the Smiths are technically “going” to the same beach resort as the Johnsons, their collective mindset of “being” on vacation gives them a boost to enjoy the journey while keeping in mind their destination.

The Johnsons and Smiths start their vacations in two different time zones. Take your pick. Which family would you rather ride along with? Which time zone do you prefer?

Here’s another example: When considering your connection with your good friend, you may be stressed about what they said yesterday while their focus is on what’s happening now, having completely forgotten about yesterday’s conversation. You and your friend are in two different time zones, which probably explains the tension you feel within and between you and your friend.

Both elements of time have advantages and disadvantages. When combined, they arouse and confirm connections. When practicing shifting time zones, remember that your mind is time blind.

To your mind, the future is as real as the past; in this way, the mind often confuses what has happened with what is happening and what has yet to happen. The mind organizes the past, responds to the present, and prepares for the future so you can know confidently and decisively what to do next. This is an important objective of your mind, which connects and balances time with motion.

So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Optimize your thinking brain.

The human brain is designed to impress. It built the seven wonders of the world, uncovered medical miracles, and, going back to first grade, discovered the ocean blue. The brain truly is amazing when it’s optimized.

Unfortunately, not every human brain performs at the highest level. Welcome to the world of individual differences and neurodiversity.

Like fingerprints, no two brains are alike. Some people are geniuses in math, others play Chopin's Etudes at seven, and others can throw a ball with velocity and accuracy. These are obvious examples of giftedness. While your gifts and talents may be more subtle and nuanced, what we all have in common is an executive center in the brain.

The Executive Suite

Executive functioning is governed by the frontal lobes, the home to where everything comes together. Problems are solved, decisions are made, emotions are regulated, personality shines, memories are stored, and self-control slowly comes online. We can thank our frontal lobes for distancing us from our ancestors and separating us from other primates, you know, the monkeys, lemurs, and apes. While jumping from tree to tree would be cool, it’s much cooler to do math, play piano, and throw a ball in the long run.

The highlighted portion of the brain picture below shows the location of your prefrontal cortex (PFC). It lies behind your forehead and eyes at the front of the brain.

Your PFC makes up over 10 percent of the volume of your brain. A medley of mental processes enables humans to control behavior and perform various complex activities. When you make sensible decisions, calculate the pros and cons of a situation, and predict the future, it is your PFC that you can largely thank. While brain regions are astonishingly interconnected, your PFC takes top billing when awards are handed out for writing the great American novel, landing astronauts on the moon, and setting the record for solving the 9x9x9 Rubik’s cube.

Seven critical processes are identified when we take a bird’s eye view of what executive functioning is helping us do. Grouped together, this is what is referred to as the “executive suite.” Based on the stellar research completed by Russell Barkley, PhD, as described below, each executive function is critical when optimizing efforts and maximizing outcomes.

1. Self-Awareness—This may appear to be self-explanatory, but it’s the critical first step in controlling your behaviors instead of your behaviors controlling you. Without awareness, we behave impulsively and automatically. Being aware of what you’re doing in real-time allows your actions to move toward the future you desire. Self-awareness occurs when you actively bring things to mind. It’s an intentional process, one that requires tapping the brakes of your automatic thinking.

2. Inhibition—Inhibition is a fancy term for stopping. This refers to your ability to restrain an impulse by showing self-restraint. Slowing down or stopping your actions allows you to consider options and choose wisely. But if you don’t stop, you’ll keep doing what you always have done.

3. Non-Verbal (Visual) Working Memory—This is a fancy term for remembering things by keeping them in mind. You do this most effectively when you picture something things mentally. By visualizing, you are creating an imprint of your thoughts, experiences, and memories.

4. Verbal Working Memory—You may have anticipated this one. This refers to your self-talk, the chatter in your mind that tells stories and helps you make sense of things.

5. Emotional Self-Regulation—This involves using all executive functions just listed to manage your emotions. Since emotions show up rapidly and intensely, having a process that helps keep your emotions in check prevents you from doing things you will later regret.

6. Self-Motivation—It can be challenging to do what you need to do when you don’t want to. Putting things off and doing something you prefer sounds much better. But you will never reach your goals, such as crossing the finish line in a marathon if you can’t turn on your inner booster rockets.

7. Planning and Problem Solving—This last one is big. How you plan to do something is key to being successful. As you activate your plan, being able to problem-solve along the way allows you to adapt to unforeseen circumstances. These processes incorporate your ability to mentally maniplate information in your mind to discover new combinations. The shorthand for this executive function is mental play.

Having control of your life is like keeping the rudder in the water. The rudder stabilizes the boat and steers it in the direction of choice. Steering and navigation is the rudder’s job. In this way, your executive functions let you move in a planned direction, stay on course and, when needed, get back on course, and maintain stability. When operating together, your executive functions improve the odds of you crossing the finish line with a personal record or playing a piano recital that makes you proud.

Summing Up and Moving On

Remember, your mind struggles with an attention deficit disorder. Your mind knows what to do but doesn’t always do what it knows. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

One person’s oddity is another person’s grievance.

Imagine a scenario where one person's unique approach to life clashes with another's annoyance. This is the battleground of quirks and pet peeves, where conflict brews. Disconnection is felt when the two worlds collide, and past teachings come racing forward.

When you look at the picture above, what do you see? It’s quirky, right? What’s shown likely reflects the artist’s unconventional approach to life and passion for bringing color to the drab. Now, think about the older man who lives across the street from this “disrespectful display of rubbish,” he barks. To the older man, this tacky wall is his biggest pet peeve, and he “has to look at it” every day—demonstrating one person’s oddity in another person’s grievance.

Let’s delve into a relatable example. Lisa grew up in a highly tidy and meticulously organized house. Her mother’s insistence and conspicuous fondness for routine taught Lisa the importance of making her bed daily without missing a beat. This is a habit many of us can relate to. However, Lisa didn't realize that her mother’s approval and affection were linked to bedmaking. So, Lisa perfected bedmaking, optimizing her chances of receiving her mother’s conditional love. Never being the person to let another person down, Lisa even went out of her way and made her brother’s bed when he was running late or “too busy” to care about anything but himself. Her brother took after her father, Lisa mused.

Fast forward to Lisa’s adulthood, and she lives with Ryan, her boyfriend of three years, with two jobs and three cats. They both love cats, but that’s a story for another day. Ryan adores Lisa and goes out of his way to show her that she matters. He cooks, cleans, orders take-out, and makes room in his busy schedule for date nights. What he doesn’t do is make their bed. Truthfully, he makes it now and again, but to Lisa, she stews, “Why bother if you’re not going to make daily and do so with tucked-in corners?”

If you could hear what Ryan cannot say, at least not to Lisa, it would be, "Why is making the bed such a big deal?” To Ryan, Lisa’s quirky persistence with bedmaking has become a pet peeve. Adding salt to the wound, it annoys him when she makes snide comments or says things under her breath about him being lazy and insensitive.

Ryan’s response to Lisa’s offputting comments or gestures is to shut down. His upbringing taught him to avoid conflict at all costs. Acting as if it never happened or sweeping it under the proverbial rug is something Ryan mastered. Here’s the rub: Lisa amps up and charges in when he avoids. “Why do we stay together? I know you don’t love me anymore,” Lisa exclaims, trying hard to suppress the fear and anxiety of her unlovable side leaking out. At some level, Lisa knows she’s “particular,” but she believes she doesn’t ask for much and, more typically, does more for others than she gets in return.

Fortunately, Lisa and Ryan are committed to working through this entanglement. This shows that even when one person’s oddity becomes another person’s grievance, a significant relationship can be saved with understanding and effort.

What may be an oddity about one person can be a source of grievance for another, highlighting the fascinating diversity of human quirks.

The Ultimate Showdown

The clashing of quirks and pet peeves is called the ultimate showdown because most people don’t think that little things will evolve into big deals. But they do and quite often.

Staying ahead of the showdown allows low-level conflict to be leveraged to turn conflict into connection. Let me explain. When something happens that causes you to feel frustrated, dealing with start-up emotion is much easier than waiting for it to grow into full-blown anger. In the same way, discouragement is simpler than disrespect, worry can be handled more effectively than fear, and feeling self-conscious is much more manageable than being attacked by the searing nature of shame.

The parting advice is to feel what you are feeling, give it a name, and then share what’s happening inside you. For example, when someone says something that feels wrong and makes you confused, feel it, name it, and then say, “Wow, I didn’t see that coming, and it made me feel off-balance; did you mean to hurt my feelings?” This approach improves the odds of both of you settling what happened rather than one person getting even and settling the score.

Remembering the Relationship Intelligence principle when contemplating what to say when you feel flustered will help you regain your bearings by directing you wisely.

Connection > Communication

This simple equation means that connection precedes communication. More descriptively, to optimize what you say to restore your sanity and regain your bearings, you must focus on rebuilding the connection by thinking from the perspective of mutual benefit. Focus on connecting before you communicate, and trust whatever comes to mind. This is a winning formula!

Summing Up and Moving On

The critical takeaway is to prioritize dialogue and talk about the little things, which reduces defensiveness and decreases the likelihood of one person feeling surprised or ambushed.

Remember, your mind expands by learning. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Connection comes before everything else.

We all crave connection and emotional expression while fearing rejection and invalidation. To prepare for the moments we most fear, we develop unique strategies for handling interpersonal situations to navigate this psychic tension.

Some tactics work better than others. We stick with whatever works, even if it only helps a little.

When healthy connections occur, we feel better about ourselves and our world. Sharing a good time with another person makes us feel great. But when disconnections arise, a sense of confusion and self-doubt takes over. When our inner skepticism reaches a tipping point, we tend to shut down, give up, and think the worst.

Being around others but not feeling secure enough to be yourself is a cardinal sign of connection deficit disorder. This psychological experience involves routinely having incomplete connections with others and rarely feeling entirely accepted.

If you are the proverbial “nice guy” and routinely focus on meeting the needs of others while placing your needs on the back burner, chances are you have a degree of connection deficit disorder. In a social gathering, if you stay on the outskirts or find yourself rarely contributing to the conversation, again, you might have a touch of a connection deficit. More obviously, if you have a reputation for turning down invitations, not because you have better things to do but because of your discomfort with the idea of attending, you may be a card-holding member of the connection deficit club.

The upside of being only partially connected is that it keeps you relatively safe and out of harm’s way of people hurting you. When you keep your distance, others are much less likely to pick on you, tease you, or otherwise make you feel wrong about being you. Having the superpower of invisibility does have its advantages and disadvantages. While you will never be a part of the popular clique, having acquaintances instead of friends, as the saying goes, is “better than nothing.” Additionally, the maintenance of incomplete connections prevents people from getting to know you and finding out what makes you tick. This defense mechanism protects you from being completely devastated by having people break your trust and use your vulnerabilities against you.

Strategies used to maintain the incomplete relational status quo include silence, polite chitchat, superficial comments, unchecked wit, tolerating intolerable behavior, or otherwise discounting the value of your spiritual worth. There’s also the tried-and-true tactic of elaborate verbalizations or talking for the sake of talking. Being excessively verbal likely reflects a yearning for attachment, the sense of being tethered to another person, even transiently.

The downside of relying on these strategies is things don’t get better. When left unchecked, what begins as insufficient and unfavorable slowly becomes normal. As in, “I always need to initiate contact with friends; it feels like I’m invisible to them,” “It’s normal for people at work to make plans that don’t include me,” “It’s normal for my birthday to come and go without much fanfare,” or “during conflict, it’s typical for me to go shut down because I don’t know what to say and I don’t want to risk being mocked or dismissed.”

An examination of your childhood community reveals possible sources of inadequate nurturing. While you may have been loved, such love likely had strings attached. Such as in the examples of “I felt loved when I kept my mouth shut and watched my sibling get the brunt of my parent’s harsh discipline,” “I felt loved when I brought home good grades or won special honors,” or “I felt loved when my father showed me attention after I did something nice for him.”

Being fearful of rejection, exclusion, or devaluation, connection deficit disorder develops in the wake of internalizing negative self-statements, such as “If I show you who I am, you will eventually not like me” or “If I express how I feel, things might get twisted, and I’ll end up feeling worse than ever,” or “Sometimes I just want to scream, but I don’t dare.” If this sounds familiar, you’ve learned there are topics and ways of being outside the realm of discussion and consideration. Consequently, you’ve mastered being the person you think the other person needs you to be. This is called “provisional identity.” Instead of being your true self, you’ve become a version of yourself in response to what’s happening in your surroundings.

Connection deficit disorder is painful and exhausting. When the distance between you and other people remains unbridgeable, a sense of defectiveness takes over. Understanding why you don’t connect with others is rooted in the psychology of increasing your relationship intelligence.

The following relational equation is offered to understand the vital importance of connection.

Without connection, communication fails.

Without communication, relationships fail.

Without relationships, personal growth fails.

When relationship intelligence is practiced and integrated and becomes part of one's psychological toolbox for navigating conflict, what happens is magical; like shooting for the moon, one grows exponentially.

With connection, communication can be successful.

With communication, relationships succeed.

With relationships, personal growth succeeds.

And the moon gets closer every day.

By gaining critical insight into your past, identifying the basic needs of what it means to be human, and learning essential skills that turn conflict into connection, you’ll develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to love and be loved. If connection deficit disorder sounds familiar, consider learning more by visiting the Relationship Intelligence Center website.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

We need each other, but know your limits.

Caring about and tending to the needs of others is a virtue that makes the world a better place. Indeed, an argument can be made that if more people cared about more people, there would be less conflict and more reasons to smile.

One can always hope.

Now, back to reality.

The act of caring for the needs of someone or something is called nurturing. When it comes to human development, research has convincingly shown that being nurtured in predictable and satisfying ways promotes priceless growth and development. For the child who receives love day after day, the odds improve dramatically that they will grow up believing they are lovable and, in return, can love others. This is the stuff that makes the world go around.

When nurturing is deprived, such as in the cases of abuse and neglect, long-term deficits are formed. For example, when a child’s upbringing is plagued by violence or extreme emotional deprivation, their capacity for developing empathy and interpersonal sensitivities is thwarted. It is common for such individuals to experience a lifelong struggle to fit into their social surroundings and achieve a sense of belonging. Since they never received love, they are less equipped to develop healthy, intimate relationships in adulthood.

People who steadily prioritize the needs of others over their own, continuously make others feel good, and can’t help themselves when it comes to rescuing others are called people pleasers. Their walk on planet Earth focuses on helping others. Assisting, supporting, and serving others is in their blood and always on their mind. While their plate may be full, they will always make room in their heart for others. They do this by enlarging their plate, which never seems too big, heavy, or too much.

Having a people-pleaser in your life is handy. They never disappoint. If your chin is down, they’ll make you smile. They’ll help you restore the pieces if your life has fallen apart. Even when dog-tired, people-pleasers are exceptional at making time for you and going out of their way to simplify your life. People pleasers can always be counted on to be there and pitch in. Their favorite color is true blue.

The upside of being a people-pleaser is that your striving for validation will be intermittently satisfied. While some may take you for granted, and others may not extend you the appreciation you are due, this will not slow down your quest for being generous, kind, and valuable. You likely have some inner peace, reinforced by your ability to be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. But people-pleasers don’t pat themselves on the back or openly broadcast their deeds. Why? People-pleasers stay busy pleasing others out of duty. They are not begging for attention or seeking approval. Instead, since their world is divided between good and bad and their primary emotion is fearing rejection, helping others becomes a survival skill to restrain the unwanted past from repeating.

Congratulations on being an amazing person. While your aptitude and attitude about helping others are worthy of a standing ovation, it’s a safe bet that you’re tired, likely exhausted, which is probably a more fitting description—tired from what? Tired of being underappreciated. Are you tired of finishing your day without completing your personal to-do list? Are you tired of not having enough energy to fill the tub and give yourself a much-deserved deep soak at the end of your day?

If you believe yourself to be a people-pleaser, what can you do to be more in control of your habit of helping others instead of being in control of when, where, and how often you step in and step up? Here are some friendly thoughts.

Consider learning the magic behind setting boundaries by saying, “Not right now,” or “Let me check my calendar” when the familiar sound of a request comes your way. Teach yourself how to make yourself a priority by asking yourself daily, “What’s the most important thing I want to do today?” And make space in your crammed schedule to do it.

Being sensitive to the needs of others is a gift, but it can quickly become a burden. Be realistic about the size of your plate and how much it weighs on you, and consider ways to take things off your plate without replacing them with another person’s needs.  

What’s the Cost?

Helping others is an amazing gift. We need more people helping more people. Taking care of each other is essential to promoting the common good. “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours” is a saying that underscores the upside of reciprocity, which is critical in the world of relational psychology.

When things get lopsided, pleasing others becomes burdensome and a bad habit. The People Pleaser Syndrome (PPS) diagnosis may fit if you are overwhelmed and stretched thin. If so, there’s a quick remedy. Practice saying to yourself, “What’s the cost?” This phrase will stick through repetition, making it easier to recall when you must say it out loud.

I want you to be you and have the freedom to do what you do best. Asking “What’s the cost?” will help you stay balanced and avoid over-committing. For example, consider when someone asks you to stop at the store on your way home from work, but they don’t know you’re working remotely today. Your PPS instinct, of course, is to say yes. However, because you’re working from home today, going to the store is not “on your way home.” Before you respond to the person’s request, ask yourself what the cost of my saying yes is. Can you afford the time and energy that is associated with saying yes? If so, then do what you do best. If you don’t have time and energy to spare, you must tell the person that you’re working from home and hadn’t planned to go to the store. Here’s a critical insight: when you share your truth, they will understand.

In closing, remember, every yes demands your time and energy. That’s the cost. So, being more honest and practicing self-care by asking yourself, “What’s the cost?” will keep the lion at bay for another day. In other words, when you value your time and energy, save some for yourself, you’re worth it.

People-Pleaser Quiz

Take this short quiz to clarify whether you are a true-to-life people pleaser.

Your answers to this quick test suggest where you stand on the people-please spectrum. Answer each question on a scale of 1 to 5. Assigning a “1” means the situation doesn’t resonate with you. A 5 means this sounds like a bullseye.

1.       Do you place the needs of others far ahead of your own?

2.       Do you rapidly agree with others, regardless of your opinion or feelings?

3.       Are you guilty of politely listening to others beyond your point of interest?

4.       Do you find yourself reflexively apologizing for things that aren’t your fault?

5.       Is your favorite word, yes? Meaning it’s almost impossible for you to say no.

6.       Do you stand up for others but not yourself?

7.       Do you rapidly shift your thoughts and feelings to fit in with those around you?

8.       Is your sense of “feeling good” hinged on making others feel good?

9.       Does your sense of worth rise and fall based on helping others?

10.    When volunteers are recruited, are you often first in line?

11.    Are you guilty of tolerating intolerable behavior?

12.    Do you give away your time to others even when the time you have left is quickly running out?

13.    Do you regularly find yourself being over-committed and over-extended?

14.    Does the phrase “to a fault” fit your sense of self? For example, are you loyal “to a fault?” Are you generous “to a fault?” Are you compassionate “to a fault?” And so on.

Now, tally your answers to the above 14 questions. The lowest possible score is 14, and the highest is 70. The higher your score, the more likely you are a bonafide people-pleaser, which may deserve your time and attention.

Learning to become your authentic self, guided by instincts rather than habits, is the foundation of Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ).

To learn more about Relationship Intelligence, press the button below to visit our website and take your first step toward refashioning your relationship with conflict.

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Sooner or later, everyone gets rejected.

The sting of rejection is upsetting, even disturbing, and sometimes gut-wrenching. Such moments feel like they will be neverending. Alongside being excluded and devalued, rejection is one of life’s worst experiences. Moments of rejection are responsible for unfavorably shaping one's self-concept. How you deal with rejection explains whether you continue to grow and flourish or stall out and plummet.

Some people respond to rejection with equanimity. They have a knack for putting unkind social experiences in perspective and refrain from over-focusing on their impact. The proverbial phrase “letting it go like water off a duck’s back” comes to mind. While it never feels good to be rejected, people who don’t get stuck in the mud of rejection are good at not landsliding into darkness. For others, it’s quite the reverse.

Some people don’t handle rejection well and overreact, letting it become deep-seated. For these more rejection-sensitive people, the intensity of such unwanted private experiences is overwhelming and over-powering and rapidly leads to deterioration of how they feel about themself and the world around them.

How you respond to moments of social dismissal is linked to a concept called rejection sensitivity (RS). Rejection sensitivity is the disposition to anxiously expect, readily perceive, and intensely react to rejection.

When socially injured by the words or actions of others, the pain can be internalized, externalized, or both. When internalized, the person becomes susceptible to developing symptoms reflective of depression - lousy mood, markedly diminished interest in engaging in activities, disrupted sleep, fatigue, loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness, and possible thoughts of self-harm. Internalizers are also susceptible to experiencing disturbing anxiety – restlessness, feeling on edge, unrelenting worry, being easily annoyed, feeling afraid something awful might happen, and having trouble relaxing.

When rejection is externalized, it is expressed in the form of out-of-the-blue anger or rapid rage. The person experiences and describes sudden, short bursts of intense energy in the form of complaining, yelling, and feeling victimized by circumstances. The challenge of this type of explosive reactivity is the sudden-to-anger person gets over it quickly while leaving a wake of relational debris.

Now that rejection sensitivity has been explained, what is dysphoria? The term dysphoria is Greek for “difficult to bear or unbearable.” The term rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) is an older psychiatric term that reflects how moments of rejection, real or perceived, can markedly alter the way a person feels, thinks, and behaves. Becoming acquainted with the RSD term may help explain and contain what you or someone you know experiences.

You’ll know RSD may be in play for you or someone you know when maintaining relational connections is more complicated than it needs to be. When a negative interaction routinely becomes bigger than it needs to be, and when mountains continue to be made from molehills, RSD might explain why the same conflict repeats itself.

Quick Rejection Sensitivity Test

Your answers to this quick test suggest whether you’re vulnerable to rejection sensitivity. Answer each question on a scale of 1 to 5. Assigning a “1” means the situation doesn’t resonate with you. A 5 means this sounds like a bullseye.

1. For as long as you can remember, have you been more sensitive to rejection, teasing, and criticism than other people you know?

2. Do you frequently perceive yourself as having failed or fallen short readily?

3. Have there been experiences when you were rejected, excluded, or devalued, and from which you’ve never fully recovered?

4. Are you overwhelmed and overpowered by criticism, complaints, and unfavorable comparisons? Are you the type of duck for whom water sticks to your back?

5. Recalling your answer to question 4, do you experience rapidly surging and intense emotions when someone puts you down or lets you down?

6. Do other people accuse you of overreacting and being easily triggered by situations that don’t bother other people quite as much?

7. Do you engage in non-stop negative self-talk that feels unbearable at times?

8. Do you find relationships draining, often going off-track, and causing you to feel misunderstood or mistreated?

Now, total the above eight questions. The lowest possible score is 8, and the highest is 40. The higher your score, the more likely you will experience a rejection sensitivity that deserves your time and attention.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Fish swim, birds fly, and humans connect.

The experience of being genuine and vulnerable around another person and they respond lovingly and respectfully is prizeworthy.

Nothing quite compares with being embraced by a person when you need to be held. Nothing is better when you don’t feel safe, and someone protects you. When you feel alone, and someone joins you, life becomes worth living. Also, a special connection is made when you doubt yourself, and someone validates you, and you believe them. Not only do you feel closer to this person, but your connection with yourself strengthens, if only momentarily.

So, the ultimate prize for becoming relationally intelligent is intimacy, that amazing private experience of being your true self as you are truly admired by someone else. Intimacy is a special type of validation that occurs when your deep feelings and belief in yourself are affirmed by someone who matters. In this way, intimacy quells self-doubt and strengthens self-confidence and self-conviction by boosting a sense of belonging while feeling safe and sound.

While intimacy is worth pursuing, there are downsides. Times when you choose to be vulnerable and hope “to be known” involve risk. And risking for the sake of connection may not seem a safe enough gamble.

When your upbringing was soaked in emotional dishonesty, lack of trust, and inconsistent nurturing, to your mind, becoming robustly self-sufficient becomes a survival skill and key to remaining out of harm’s way. The cruel twist in this strategy that accentuates invulnerability is that it removes you from opportunities to be vulnerable, which is essential to experiencing intimacy. The phrase “better safe than sorry” becomes your heartfelt slogan. The downside is that a life without vulnerability is filled with yearlong solitude, reserve, and anonymity.

Yes, you’re safe, but what’s the cost?

Nobody in their right mind looks forward to conflict. Embracing this essential truth explains why most people avoid conflict at all costs. During tense interactions, the interpersonal space becomes filled with heavy gravity, intense vacuum, ionizing solar ultraviolet radiation, and extreme temperatures—that’s how it feels.

It’s no wonder most people walk away, downplay, disregard, turn the other cheek, placate, offer empty apologies, or run for the hills when conflict arises. Avoiding conflict becomes a habit that becomes a compulsion that evolves into an addiction. Yes, people become avoidance junkies. When conflict shows up, even if it’s just a hint of disagreement, avoiders do whatever is needed to defuse the situation, even when doing so, only increases the odds of more conflict occurring down the road.

By contrast, some people act on their aggressive defensiveness by counterattacking, often being seen by others as blowing an emotional fuse, blurting out hostile comments, or becoming unusually mean and controlling. While ineffective and making things worse, doing so feels right. In actuality, such people rapidly anger and turn toward aggression because they don’t know what else to do. Welcome to their learning history. Somewhere long ago, such people were taught that “put up your dukes” is a reasonable option when things go sideways.

Whether you fight, flee, or freeze during times of conflict, your unmet needs fuel the experience of emotional distress and psychological turmoil. Initially, you may become disoriented and deskilled. One client said it perfectly when she shared, “When the fighting starts between me and my husband, I just feel numb and dumb.”

With eyes wide open, you’ll notice the experience of disconnection conveys that you have entered a state of conflict. What makes such moments so challenging is how you handle conflict, which is shaped by the life lessons you learned when you weren’t aware you were being taught. By examining these life lessons, identifying your needs, and developing savvy interpersonal skills, you’ll gain relational mastery and become better prepared to regain balance and increase your life satisfaction. Doing so will teach you how to “turn conflict into connection.”

When this happens, intimacy shows up. You will feel closer to the other person and yourself. This is the ultimate prize!

Learning the lessons conflict has been trying to teach you is precisely what Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ) is all about!

To learn more about Relationship Intelligence, visit our website.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

What you know to be true before you start thinking.

Let’s dive right in by sharing a story.

A woman walks down a street soiled in poverty and darkened by her trembling fear—the sidewalk pitches and heaves more than it flows. A streetlight above flickers, yellowed by the passage of the daily grind and leaning slightly toward a sunrise made dreary by monotony and a lack of hope. She hears all at once different levels of sound. There’s a train in the distance, grumbling and in no hurry. The steady pat-patting of her dusty dress shoes faintly dampens the dull groan of unending traffic a mile or so away. The late-night breeze ruffles her hair and causes the buttons on her proper-length coat to chatter against her purse strap, gripped firmly for control over what’s next. She knows where she’s going but is scared she may never arrive.

Poof!

Do you feel it? What awoke inside you after reading the above passage and forming an image in your head? What is your sense about what will happen next? Does the woman arrive safely, or does she meet a marginalized fate? Do you feel it? Do you feel the future?

Like magic, intuition happens awingly.

You are accessing your intuition when you refer to the crystal ball in your head. Intuition is knowing or understanding something immediately without actively turning on your thinking brain. When a particular cluster of brain circuits light up and, out of nowhere, you experience a “hunch,” your intuition or precognition is in play.

While intuition is commonly used, it is uncommonly tricky to explain.

Let’s give it a go.

Intuition is more than a wild guess or a dice roll. Anyone can take a stab at something, but intuition involves restraint while keeping your mind open to possibility. Your intuition works best when you hold back the urge to brainstorm and alternately allow your mind to naturally connect the dots using your third eye without consciously trying to divine the future.

Remember the idea of dots; we’ll return to them shortly.

Intuition also happens fast. It has to. Otherwise, modern man would never have evolved. Think about how handy it was for our distant ancestors to rely upon snap judgments when facing down a bear or being seduced by a colorful berry that looks delicious but could also be fatal. Thinking without thinking is what saved the day.

Going back to the story that opened this blog, guided by your visual imagery, what did your gut tell you? What did your mind sense that your conscious brain didn’t pick up on? Did you have a premonition of a happy ending or a sad farewell? What else showed up? Here is a final challenging question. When your intuition whispers to you, can you trust this voice?

Let’s break down the tricky concept known as intuition.

Returning to the dots mentioned above, each dot represents a different dimension that informs your intuition and is relied upon for inspiration and instant understanding. The first dot represents a stimulus that grabs your attention. Take, for instance, the ringing of a phone. The ring is familiar sounding and launches your learning history. Automatically, you know what to do. Welcome to the core idea of behavioral psychology and how it pivots around the pairing of stimulus-response (S-R).

The second dot is situational awareness. When you are informed of your immediate surroundings, you “know” the situation. For example, you decline the call when your phone rings and you don’t recognize the number. This is intelligent situational awareness. Congratulate yourself for good judgment. In behavioral terms, the stimulus is followed by the best response.

The third and final dot refers to the dimension of understanding the context of the moment. Context is when your mind receives a stimulus, engages your learning history, and forecasts an outcome based on circumstances outside of conscious reasoning. For instance, when your cellphone rings, you answer it. When the ringing phone belongs to your friend, you leave it alone. How about when your phone rings but you’re in class? It’s hoped you will hold back and send the call to messages. Your decision to answer or not is guided by your understanding of the situation's context. Behaviorally speaking, when facing the same stimulus, having different responses within reach.

There it is. Your intuition can be summed up in 1-2-3 simple dots.

However, intuition is a bit more complex when viewed through a neuro-scientific lens. To distill it to the bare bones, cognitive researchers have determined that your intuition involves the interplay of emotions, implicit memory, bodily awareness, emotional intelligence, and a healthy brain.

Your emotions color what you see and influence its importance. They signal how you “feel” inside about what’s going on outside. Implicit memory is recalling something you learned without knowing that you were taught. Without being fully aware of all the details of your experiences, what first comes to mind is often an implicit memory when triggered. Bodily awareness is tuning into your senses and being sensitive to what your body tells you. Remember, your body stores energy and communicates with your brain continuously. Are you listening? Emotional intelligence is understanding and navigating the signals you detect when gazing into your private world and interacting with the public world. Finally, regarding a healthy brain, it’s common sense to know that when you optimize brain functioning by making good choices, you are polishing your intuition.

Speaking of intuition, do you remain confident with the future you forecasted for the woman walking down the street? If intuition is what comes to you before your thinking kicks in, how comfortable are you in following your intuitive pulse? How much do you trust your inner truth? Regardless of how you answer, remember that your intuition is sometimes wrong, even when you feel confident. Restated, in shorthand, this means “your gut never lies but doesn’t always tell the truth.”

Summing up and moving on, beyond knowing about intuition and how it works, learning how to sharpen your intuition improves confidence in your inner voice and deep wisdom. This process begins with practicing mindfulness, acknowledging what shows up, rapidly analyzing its content, and adapting in savvy ways to your surroundings by listening to your gut. This is the power of your sixth sense.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Anything is possible; just ask your inner child.

It seems beyond naive to think that adults can learn a thing or two from children. But it’s true, so true.

Enjoy the story of a first-year middle school girl who is one thing - wizardly.

Emma’s smile is never finished, and she has an attractive, attentive, and contagious energy. When pigs fly, it is the only time Emma will struggle with not having things to do. Being bored is implausible. Her creative and creating mind is constantly engaged. Even when she’s not moving, Emma travels to places yet to be known. She loves to create and bounces between flux and fixation. Emma is gifted at forming and being formed by her surroundings, real and imagined. Having an empty canvas and blank journal page is not the beginning for Emma but the next opportunity to dazzle and find solutions to problems not yet imagined.

While she makes time for friends and has plenty to choose from, she strikingly prefers to vanish into her world of make-believe, the special space she calls “wonder walls.” That’s where the possibility of everything exists, and anything can happen. If you could hear what Emma cannot say, it might sound like, ‘Why place my feet on the ground when having my head in the clouds is so exhilarating?”

Emma’s mind is beyond optimistic; it’s effervescent. She bends reality with agility and in ways that strike the notes of playful genius. From Emma’s formalized testing, she has been diagnosed and, as one of her evaluators wrote, she is “clearly diagnosable.” Gifted? Of course. But not in the ways most people know or may ever know.

In her preferred world of constructive escapism, with eyes closed or open, she has learned that taking chances is everything. Somehow, amazingly, she even knows that even in the world of simulation, the chances she takes don’t always work. No problem. Emma’s singing spirit allows her to reshape the universe by preferencing shaping over being shaped.

Didn’t I tell you Emma is wizardly?

With confidence exceeding possibility, Emma won’t struggle with following her dreams and aspiring to great heights. She must navigate the low-hanging branches of others' expectations and their envied judgments. Without trying, Emma stands out. Fortunately for her, fitting into the conventional world is much less pressing than creating worlds around her from which everything fits together.

What we can learn from Emma is the gift of magical thinking.

Magical thinking is the mental sandbox of toddlers and young children. Here, mounds become villages, shovels become dream makers, and lines in the sand transform into the road less traveled. To this age group, anything is possible, and nothing gets in the way of youth-inspired improvisation.

Appearing vividly in young children through the end of elementary school, magical thinking is a quirk in human cognition.

The concept of magical thinking was identified by the gifted and keenly observant talents of the developmental psychologist Jean Piaget. It was Piaget who first noticed how a child’s belief that what happens inside of them influences what happens in their outside world. Magical thinking is the invisible thread between musing and being amused by having no limits to what’s possible and being able to synthesize whatever happens with what is preferred. Having no boundary between the “inside” and “outside” is spellbinding.

Whenever you watch young children play, they’re at work living out their imagined world. A toy dinosaur becomes real when it loses its toyness. Building blocks become towering cities. To these children, they’re not playing but living here and now and connecting themselves with the then and there. Quite magical, indeed!

Watch what happens to a kindergartener at his birthday party as a simple but sad example. Josh is turning five and his mother put together a fantastic party, including a bouncy castle and a water balloon contest. Everyone is having fun, which is easy when your dreams come true. When it came time for Josh to blow out the candles of his birthday cake, at the exact moment he closed his eyes and exhaled to extinguish the flames, a bird flew into the window and died instantly.

The adults in the room saw these events as being independent and disconnected. To Josh, however, he fell into deep sadness driven by his internalized guilt based on his belief he killed the bird when he blew out the candles.

To Josh, his trauma was created by magical thinking. Someday, when this story gets retold in his adult years, he’ll be able to laugh along with others. But deep inside his little boy brain, his sensitivity to hurting others likely grew a thousandfold that fateful day, making him now a fantastic friend, thoughtful colleague, and trustworthy life partner.

Adults can learn from children how to trust and engage in magical thinking. Reacquiring the personal power associated with believing that dreams do come true creates tremendous freedom. Instead of feeling trapped by circumstances, an adult practicing magical thinking makes what they want to happen next happen. Breathtaking, right? To underscore the importance of this idea, consider the motivational energy in the phrase, “Your future moves in the direction of what you do next.”

Having mental powers to make things happen you never thought possible, like starting a business or writing a book, is elevated when you believe in and practice magical thinking.

Summing up and moving on, magic is not just for kids. Just ask Emma.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Take chances to even the odds.

Life comprises the hand you were dealt and the luck you had along the way. When you enter adulthood with uneven odds, there may be more twists and turns ahead than you imagined.

Are you living up to your potential? Do you have pleasure, happiness, or joy? Do your relationships enrich you? Do you experience relational warmth and feel like you belong? Are you provided opportunities to shine, exercise your competency, and stand out in ways that make you feel special?

Suppose you mainly answered yes, Bravo! It sounds like you beat the uneven odds. Life has gifted you with attachment security, which shapes your sense of self and worldview into a dynamic, collaborative ensemble. Cooperative by nature, the world around you is the benefactor of your comfortable confidence and, in turn, bestows upon you more reasons to embrace your essence and shine brightly with authenticity.

If your answers were less upbeat, you’d have some work ahead. Your unique gifts were likely not routinely promoted, and your bids for belonging were met with competing messages and mixed reviews. You might have stood out for reasons you didn’t prefer or choose. Were you ignored when you craved attention? When affection was desired, did you get hurt with words or actions? When acknowledgment was deserved, were you dismissed? During moments when applause should have filled the room, did you instead hear the dampening sound of indifference? If you affirmed any of these inquiries, a sense of attachment insecurity likely has been stored deep in your psyche.

Unstable attachments during childhood and throughout your relationship history leave their mark on your sense of self. They distort your worldview and sway how you interact with the outside world. Unsteady connections take root inside and become the primal source of your insecurities.

Since the odds are stacked against most when life's whimseys challenge us, the ultimate question is not “Are you insecure?” but” Are you in control of your insecurities, or do they control you?”

Twisted Fortune

The upside to having early misfortunes is curiously evident when you leave your mind wide open. As odd as this may seem, life’s hardships offer the best opportunity to claim self-advocacy and embrace the perks of creativity. When life is hard but not too hard, you come face to face with life's troubles. During such moments, the possibilities of fulfillment and growth surface as you learn to see what most others may never conceive.

To underscore this puzzling point, the 19th-century German philosopher, Hegel, wrote:

“Something has vital force only when it contains contradiction; it is a measure of this force that the contradiction can be grasped and endured.”

For Hegel, he contends that people cannot presume truths that have not passed the experience test. Let’s put to the test your experiences.

For example, when your mother went to her place of anger, how did you process her critical comments? Did you say to yourself, “Mommy is so angry; I need to do something that calms her down?” Or did you internalize her rage and feel you deserved the unkindness of her words? When she drank “one too many,” and her distance became commonplace, did you feel stressed and emotionally isolated, or did you retreat into an imaginary world where you had control of what you inspired? When your father came home, never knowing what version of him would walk through the door, did you tremble with anticipation or seek safety, telling yourself to approach him later after you deciphered his mood?

The child who chose to calm her mother down is mastering the power of empathy. The child who retreated into her imagination harnesses the power of creative storytelling. To her, escape provides the wellspring of future scriptwriting or penning the next great American novel. The child who distances himself from his father is learning to “read the room,” a soft skill that will pay dividends later in life. Empathy, creativity, and translating non-verbals are superpowers that originate from grasping and enduring contradiction.

Paradoxically, without hardship, claiming ownership of victimhood and entitlement is easier. Yes, you read that correctly. Without misfortune, life slides toward privilege, which bestows many benefits but does not routinely prepare people for life's most significant challenges.

Summing up, when life flows, knowing how to flex is unfamiliar. Conversely, being accustomed to conflict and reconciliation is the basic building block to human adaptation and growth. When uneven odds have afflicted your emotional core, learning how to even the odds helps to answer the endmost question, “What’s the meaning of it all?”

Remember, your mind has little tolerance for uncertainty. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s In control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Conflict is ubiquitous. 

Every person, sooner or later, and typically far too often, experiences conflict.

Before examining the process of artfully navigating conflict, it’s vital to understand a fundamental truth about conflict–underneath every conflict is an unmet need. That’s right. Every single and solitary moment of conflict is due to a need being ignored, dismissed, discouraged, or trampled.

Please feel free to check it out yourself.

Think back to a time of conflict. I’m sure you won’t have to go back too far. It could be trivial, like starting your car and seeing the low fuel indicator shining brightly. It might be more significant; perhaps your child is lolly-gaggling in the morning, and you have “no time or patience” left because your calendar is full and you didn’t sleep well. Or, it might be more concerning. Consider the scenario of your life partner starting to do things without informing you. While he’s always been a tad bit too independent and somewhat of a loner, lately, he’s taken his autonomy to a new level by being mysterious and aloof. You’ve asked him again and again, “What’s wrong?” His reply of “Nothing, I’m good” is not only dissatisfying, but you know in your gut that it isn’t close to the truth.

One thing all the examples have in common is an unmet need. When you plopped down in your car, you needed enough gas to get to and from work. When your child played possum and made her disinterest in school evident, you needed her to be more disciplined, obedient, and considerate. In the case of your remote husband, you would need him to put his cards on the table. Good or bad or bizarre, you deserve to know his truth and where you stand in the marriage.

Deviating from my usual narrative style, let’s try something new. Below, I will describe fundamental truths about conflict in bullet point form. I hope this is useful.

• Conflict is something people usually avoid, minimize, or deliberately ignore.

• No one in their right mind says, “I look forward to conflict; bring it on!”

• Since conflict involves unrehearsed situations, the mind returns to doing what it always does when it doesn’t know what to do—protecting and defending itself.

• In conflict, the mind moves to the edges of certainty and closes. Instead of remaining open-minded, conflict pushes people toward the extremes of being convinced or confused. People perceive and process situations based on what they believe to be true. Most likely, it’s only valid for them, not for all. In addition, when curiosity is lost in the moment, this symbolizes a closed mind that is not open to accepting new information.    

• People struggle to resolve conflict naturally. Instead, conflict recycles, ebbing and flowing between extremes. At one end, silent and barely tolerable, conflict persists in the background. On the other end, combustive and rupturing, destructive conflict erupts now and again.

• Conflict resolution is popularly taught and readily consumed.

• The general school of thought about conflict resolution involves orchestrating civility, providing space for one person to express, in a civil tone, their perspective without interruption, with the second person, upon invitation or proper timing, following suit.

• Back and forth, sometimes with hard evidence, more typically with feverishly preferred and emotionally ladened versions of handpicked truth, opinions are swapped, but only rarely accepted, even rarer, embraced.

• People feel stuck in conflict. This gridlock is due to moral absoluteness, a sense that universal rules of conduct exist. Since the mind ranks truth, placing what’s most believed at the top, the tendency is to grab hold of a cherished belief with a firm, unclenching grip. This gripping creates an impasse and reinforces gridlock.

• The hold that one’s thoughts have on a person is only surpassed by the ease with which the thoughts of others are dismissed without notice.

• When an impasse persists, strategically, an outsider is brought in to mediate the dialogic exchange. Civility is ramped up by the agreement of ground rules and witnessed compliance. Deals may be accorded, but conflict is never resolved; it is merely put in place.

• This approach sounds sensible, practical, and well-mannered. But does it ever produce lasting results? Or do people merely agree to disagree? Is conflict resolved or merely tempered by negotiation?

• What if conflict resolution is not possible? What if attempting to resolve conflict is nothing more than a pipedream, and trying to do so only makes things appear better? In such cases, conflict is not resolved but contained, compartmentalized, and put in a box.

• If accurately presumed, then another way of thinking about conflict is needed. The time for a paradigm shift concerning conflict has arrived.

• Instead of viewing conflict as something to be resolved, it is far more productive to understand conflict as something to be navigated.

• Navigating conflict is based on the guiding principle that you should change your focus to meet your needs by learning the lesson that conflict is trying to teach.

• When the psychology of conflict is examined, an essential and decisive truth is revealed—underneath every conflict is an unmet need.

• Shifting your perspective can transform your understanding of conflict, paving the way for more effective conflict resolution.

  • Conflict is an opportunity for learning and relational growth.

  • Conflict is emotional, not logical.

  • Conflict is a time to model self-control, not to solve a problem or teach a lesson.

  • Conflict is attempting to teach a lesson.

• Extending the paradigm, conflict is better viewed as a symptom of an unsolvable problem. Because it is unsolvable, a problem-solving mindset needs to be retired and replaced by a relational mindset. The time has come to increase your relationship intelligence.

• Navigating conflict incorporates the interplay of three mindsets, each individually compelling but life-enhancing when combined.

  • Intentionality

  • Curiosity

  • Flexibility

• Once these mindsets have been learned and well-practiced, the focus shifts to learning life skills to navigate conflict better. These skills include:

  1.  Standing up for yourself without putting others down.

  2.  Dealing with the situation without making it worse.

  3.  Being aware of how your behavior is impacting others.

  4. Knowing when you’ve crossed “the line” and been disrespectful.

  5.  Analyzing behavior across time and finding trends that reveal habits that help and hurt.

  6.  Knowing your good, bad, and ugly habits.

  7.  Being curious about the other person’s reality.

  8.  Connecting before communicating.

  9.  Since people grow slowly, nudging, not shoving.

  10. Developing the skill of giving feedback without judgment.

  11. Learning how to listen without your defenses taking over.

  12. Being present. When in doubt, being present is calming.

Between the Lines

Navigating conflict involves learning how to read between the lines. This consists of listening for the message as you overlook the spoken words. Instead of getting caught up in emotions, look for the opportunity to be relational. Keep in mind that communication works when people connect first. When you find yourself being overly rational and explanatory, which is experienced by others as defensiveness, consider getting off your high horse and contemplate how to connect so communication flows more naturally. Changes are nobody wants to be in conflict. That is why the magical phrase, “Underneath all conflict are unmet needs,” facilitates your ability to turn conflict into connection.

Summing up and moving on, by gaining critical insight into your past, identifying the basic needs of what it means to be human, and learning essential skills that turn conflict into connection, you’ll develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to love and respect and be loved and respected.

Remember, your mind is not relational. It is not designed to bring people together. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control—you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

• Standing up for yourself without putting others down.

• Dealing with the situation without making it more prominent.

• Being aware of how your behavior is impacting others.

• Knowing when you’ve crossed “the line.”

• Analyzing behavior across time and finding trends that reveal habits that help and hurt.

• Knowing your good, bad, and ugly habits.

• Being curious about the other person’s reality.

• Connecting before communicating.

• Since people grow slowly, nudge, don’t shove.

• Learning how to give feedback without judgment.

• Learning how to listen without your defenses taking over.

• When in doubt, be present.

Between the Lines

Navigating conflict involves learning how to read between the lines. This consists of listening for the message as you overlook the spoken words. Instead of getting caught up in emotions, look for the opportunity to be relational. Keep in mind that communication works when people connect first. When you find yourself being overly rational and explanatory, which is experienced by others as defensiveness, consider getting off your high horse and contemplate how to connect so communication flows more naturally. Changes are nobody wants to be in conflict. That is why the magical phrase, “Underneath all conflict are unmet needs,” facilitates your ability to turn conflict into connection.

Summing up and moving on, by gaining critical insight into your past, identifying the basic needs of what it means to be human, and learning essential skills that turn conflict into connection, you’ll develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to love and respect and be loved and respected.

Remember, your mind is not relational. It is not designed to bring people together. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control—you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Conflict reveals unmet needs.

An essential key to changing your mind about conflict, to move from something you avoid or despise to something you look forward to, begins with asking a simple question.

How do you feel about conflict? You can use the diagram below to find your answer.

Believe it or not, plenty of people are on both ends of the spectrum.

How does anyone enjoy conflict? It starts with understanding that conflict is both biographical and biological. The ups and downs you experience daily happen without asking for permission or giving you a heads-up. Typically, conflict happens out of nowhere and when you least expect it. Conflict knocks us off balance.

For people who love conflict, it’s really about their biology. When the drama of conflict ensues, a cascade of neurological events happens. Adrenaline surges, cortisol gets released, intense emotions show up, and the energy it brings becomes addictive. Conflict addicts enjoy creating chaos and having no clear boundaries; they gain a reputation for being hot-tempered, irrational, and highly selfish.

Then, there are those on the end of the spectrum–the conflict avoiders.

Please take a look at the following story.

Laurie seriously enjoys her job. Her technical skills are world-class. She gets her work done promptly and often has time on her hands. The quality of her work is unsurprisingly exceptional. She is detail-oriented, hyperfocused, and detects problems a mile away, well before many and more frequently than most. Affirming her talents, her latest performance evaluation stated she is innovative, independent, determined, diligent, resourceful, quick-minded, organized, and a focused critical thinker. Laurie considers herself to be a corporate asset.

Here’s where things get sticky. Laurie hates conflict. She grew up in a family saturated with routine squabbles that often became fisticuffs. During moments of family drama, Laurie learned to keep her down, look busy, and act “as if” nothing strange was happening. In truth, fighting in Laurie’s family wasn’t “strange.” What was strange was that her parent’s conflicts were never resolved. Developing keen and penetrating observational skills, Laurie detected the same theme of conflict repeating itself. Becoming well-versed in detecting patterns, she repeatedly asked herself, “How could she see their conflict cycle so readily while her parents pressed replay?”

Laurie honed her coping skills so well that, as an adult in a corporate environment, she reflexively lowers her head, keeps her eye on the prize, and acts like nothing strange happens when conflict occurs around her. To others, Laurie’s hyperfixation is rude. Her penchant for remaining focused on the task at hand leads to her having one-sided conversations, making others think Laurie is robotic. She has gained the reputation of being “all-business,” which makes her insensitive and unempathetic to others. Her last performance evaluation, beyond the accolades, also mentioned that she needs to work on teamwork, collaborative problem-solving, and being more open and engaging. Reading between the lines, this feedback tells Laurie to learn how to read the room, the person, and their minds. Laurie considers herself to be a problem without a solution.

To Laurie, this feedback is like hearing a foreign language. Despite graduating at the top of her class and typically being the smartest person in the room, she’s heard similar comments about her interpersonal style throughout her academic career. Such experiences reinforced Laurie's ability to avoid conflict by staying so busy that she has no time for shenanigans. This is a great idea, but it's too bad it doesn’t pay dividends.

Conflict is reimagined when it is understood that underneath every conflict is an unmet need. As stated differently, while conflict may seem unnecessary, irrational, or an overreaction, in truth, conflict occurs because of a private state of deprivation. What’s missing or in short supply comes down to five critical desires: attention, affection, acknowledgment, approval, and applause. More than anything else, people hunger for these needs and cannot provide for themselves.

Gaining critical insight into identifying the basic needs of being human and learning essential skills that turn conflict into connection will help you develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to love and be loved. If reimagining conflict sounds good, you should consider learning more by visiting the Relationship Intelligence Center website.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

When things don’t go your way, what do you do?

Do you shrug and give up, or are you more likely to heave and get even? Whether you unplug or blow a fuse, your response is likely linked to your early programming. Reflecting on your upbringing and relationship history will offer essential clues to understanding your reaction under pressure and when things stop meeting your expectations or start undermining your preferences.

Defined simply, conflict is what happens inside of you when something outside gets in the way of you getting your way.

Chalk one up for the evolution of self-defense.

There is a hidden problem with conflict reactions; they make you feel better in the moment but make things worse in the long run. At first, stuffing it down or forcefully getting it out seems like the thing to do. This is because the mind under conflict thinks impulsively rather than advisedly.

Let’s explore this idea a bit more.

Think about your mind as a travel guide. It’s a handy book of information about the places you’ve been. It contains highlights of the peaks you’ve climbed and the valleys you’ve survived. With this analogy in mind, turn to the section in your guide about “Conflict.” Without going into therapy for the next six years, take the next six minutes and review this chapter. What did your parent’s marriage teach you about conflict? If you had siblings, how did your rivalries enlighten you? Consider middle school, if you dare, and review what happened around you. Were you bullied? Did you get ignored? Were you never invited to parties? When you started dating, how did things go? How did friendships end? If you didn’t earn top honors, what place were you given when considering the distinction “Most likely to have things always go your way?”

When weighed, these and many more questions provide a sneak peek into your conflict style. You’re here now because of what happened then and there. Being aware of your yesterdays gives you more power to handle today’s ups and downs.

The Grip of Conflict

The downside of what happened to you when things didn’t go your way is that it created a disconnect inside you. If you are the person who shies away from conflict, preferring to sweep things under the rug, you’re not being you. Flipping the coin over, if you are prone to flying off the wall, again, you’re not being you. Yes, you are defending yourself. But you’re not being your true self. You’re being a protected version. Whether you put up walls or prefer to knock them down, your self deserves to be discovered.

The bottom line is that you’ve been trained to react rather than respond in difficult moments. As conflict builds, distrust grows. Perhaps you don’t trust others, or maybe you’ve stopped trusting yourself. Either way, resentments, and emotional upheavals fill the distance between you and your preferred reality. In this way, conflict is the rope in your tug-o-war.

When this happens repeatedly, the grip of conflict tightens. Because of your self-protective nature, paradoxically, stiffening your grip during future conflicts is common. Creating an image of a tug-o-war pitting you against your lifetime of conflict is pivotal to evolving your ability to navigate conflict more effectively.

In short, it’s time for you to “grow up!”

What this expression means is different than you think. In this context, "growing up” means eliminating old habits you don’t need anymore. That’s sound reasonable, right?

Conflict Addiction

Against this backdrop, the concept of “conflict addiction” hopefully becomes more digestible and hopefully manageable. If I had told you at the beginning of this blog that “you are addicted to conflict,” you probably would have sneered or dismissed outright the possibility of this being true. Knowing that we all are addicted to handling conflict due to what we learned during times we didn’t know we were being taught helps set the stage for you to drop the rope, which ends your inner tug-o-war.

Summing up and moving on, ask yourself, “What do you do when you don’t know what to do?” Your answer is deeply personal and exceptionally revealing. If you do the same thing repeatedly without good results, chances are high that you’re trapped in a conflict cycle.

To break the cycle and regain control of your conflict style, check out other blogs on this website dealing with the sticky topic of conflict. In addition, you may want to consider pressing the button below to learn more about relationship intelligence, which focuses on how to “turn conflict into connection.” Sounds amazing, right?

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Conflict is messy.

When things don’t go your way, things change fast inside. Emotions erupt, thoughts fly, memories surge and perspectives blur. Sometimes, it feels like the inner world turns upside-down.

The immense turbulence felt when you encounter conflict may explain why your behavior feels, well, primal. That is to say, your protective response is blindingly fast, unconscious, and tenfold powerful. And the kicker is that your behavior is not particularly helpful. At least I wouldn’t put a wager on it.

Going from bad to worse sounds like an evolutionary blunder. So why do we still do it? If we resort to a version of early man when confronted, which is often counterproductive, why haven’t our genes kept pace? Is this a genetic faux pas?

When things get hot, heads swell—at least, that’s how it seems. Maybe there’s something to this expression.

Conflict Dissected

The neurophysiology of conflict is complex. To keep it simple, let’s focus on the basics. A tiny, almond-shaped part of your middle brain activates when you feel threatened or attacked. This dense cluster of brain cells is called the amygdala. Again, for simplicity's sake, let’s rename it “Amy.”

Amy’s evolution has been, let’s say, like that of a sloth. She is designed to detect signals and produce an emotional reaction. Unfortunately, Amy’s advice isn’t always the best. If Amy could talk, you might hear her profess that she’s “never wrong, but not always right.” Sounds confusing, right? But when Amy gets triggered, to her, things are crystal clear, black and white, right or wrong, do or die.

It’s Amy who’s chiefly responsible for your fight-flight-freeze reaction. She’s been programmed to stay alert to threat level and emotional significance.

Always awake, Amy’s power is breathtaking. When incited, she generates a neural impulse that releases a flood of hormones and neurochemicals that surge to your rescue. Do you see how your reaction under signs of danger, real or imagined, may simultaneously be brilliant and not very smart?

What do you think we should do?

When distilled to its most basic elements and stripped to the bone, human behavior can be divided into two types: stop and start. That’s it!

When Amy “starts,” she’s fast. Fight or flight seems like the only option. When Amy says, “Stop,” she slams on the brakes, and you freeze. Now that we know what Amy does, what should we do?

The central theme of behavioral psychology includes a stimulus and a response. The most primitive version of this pairing involves no space between them—no time to think, no time to breathe, no time to chill. So, again, what should we do?

A simple phrase explains it perfectly–it all starts with stopping!

Without space between stimulus and response, we have no power. We become subject to our native instincts. So, we need to grip the stimulus and response with two hands and convincingly pull them apart, creating a space.

To sprinkle some scholarship on this point, philosophers have said freedom occupies this space. In psychology, this is called agency. When you exercise your agency, you are expressing your free will. Congratulations on evolving into the twenty-first century and joining the clan called Modern Man.

Now that we’ve cleaved stimulus and response apart and discovered a split second, what’s next? This is when we evolve. Taking the reins of the situation means we choose to do something other than what we’ve always done.

In 2007, researchers at UCLA found a critical difference between feeling and observing. When our feelings get all the attention, the connection is intense, and it’s as if we become one with our feelings. This fusion doesn’t help. By contrast, the magical split second appears out of nowhere when we observe our feelings by putting feelings into words. Now, we have a fighting chance.

Key Point…The researchers christened this process “affect labeling.” That’s it. That’s what we’ve been waiting for. We now know what to do. When we slap a label on our feelings, we travel the distance from being a part of the moment (fused) to being apart (separated, but just barely).

To increase the potency of the moment you separate stimulus from the response, the artful practice of reaching into your playfulness when designing a label profoundly improves the odds of improving your relationship intelligence. This is done when you intentionally focus on what is needed to “turn conflict into connection” while considering the immense upside of mutual benefit.

Putting the Pieces Together

Defined simply, conflict is what happens inside of you when something outside gets in the way of you getting your way.

What happens inside of you is chemical, electrical, and historical. As I said before, it’s messy. But now you know how to start cleaning up the mess. First, you stop. Then, you feel your feelings. Rapidly after that, you throw a fun label on this experience. 1-2-3. It takes practice.

Summing up and moving on, ask yourself, “What do you do when you don’t know what to do?” Your answer is deeply personal and exceptionally revealing. If you do the same thing repeatedly without good results, chances are high that you’re trapped in a conflict cycle.

To break the cycle and regain control of your conflict style, check out other blogs on this website dealing with the sticky topic of conflict. In addition, you may want to consider pressing the button below to learn more about relationship intelligence, which focuses on how to “turn conflict into connection.” Sounds amazing, right?

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

You might be two different people.

Who are you when things run smoothly, and life goes according to plan?

Let’s call this version of you get-along Charlie. It’s easy to be Charlie when a friend calls to get caught up; they want to hear your voice. Or, out of nowhere, in a staff meeting, your boss spotlights your hard work and speaks glowingly of your contributions. Or how about when your family gets together, and everything goes swimmingly? No bickering, no crossed words, just good old-fashioned family times. When the outside world lifts you up, affirms your qualities, and leaves you with a sense of belonging, your inner experience resonates with lightness.

Magically, such moments remind you of what you like about yourself. Charlie has no problem “being Charlie” when life goes as expected or better.

But what happens when things don’t go your way?

When conflict strikes, such as when your friend's comment is upsetting or what your boss says about you in the staff meeting runs counter to what you expected, what happens to Charlie? Who shows up when a sibling rivalry flares, a political debate erupts, or feedback comes your way that doesn’t go your way?

Do you experience a shift inside? At your emotional core, do you feel disconnected from the version of “you” that you know and prefer? When stressed or pressured, do you feel different? When the odds are against you and beat you, do you transform and fumble with what to do next? When you’re in the emotional vortex, do you say things or act in ways inconsistent with the person you know yourself to be?

Like most of us, you probably answered, “Absolutely!”

Your conflict personality explains such a shift. To fully understand this critical concept, let’s first unpack what “personality” means.

Personality Explained

Personality is hard to define but reflects what makes you – you. Your personality is the alchemy of deeply ingrained beliefs, attitudes, behavioral tendencies, preferences, and habits. Personality mirrors your coping responses and vulnerabilities. But it’s more than that. Personality is biological, psychological, and social. It develops organically and relationally. It is the blend of the hand you were dealt and the luck you had along the way. Putting a finishing touch on this description, your personality is something you have, do, and tell yourself.

When people describe you, they share their observations and experiences of your personality. Here are a few examples. “Oh, Susan is always happy and upbeat!” “Chuck is a loner; he prefers to sit and think rather than join in and play.” “If I had to describe David in just a few words, it would be creative and witty.” And don’t forget Annie. It’s commonly shared among everyone who knows her, “Never cross Annie; she’s good at getting even.”

These comments all share one thing: They describe what you do and how you present yourself to others. They don’t speak to the heart of your true self. The difference between who you are as a person and as a personality is made clear by the following equation.

Person + Stress = Personality

Your personality shows up when stress happens. Since stress can be positive or negative, familiar or novel, real or perceived, you have different personality traits to respond to various situations.

When examined, your personality shows up when you are under stress. Reemphasizing that stress can be good and bad, preferred and disdained is essential. For example, when you are attracted to someone you just met, this is positive stress. In this upbeat situation, an aspect of your personality appears. For example, you may turn on the charm, hoping to elicit an encouraging response from the other person. Or, if your unfavorable past shows up and reminds you that someone like her will never have anything to do with someone like you, you become avoidant and bypass saying hello. To your mind, being vulnerable will only result in getting hurt.

There are also situations when stress is unfavorable, unpleasant, and unwanted. Under such conditions, different personality traits will show up and take over to keep you safe and sound. For example, the dependent personality predictably acquiesces and acts as if nothing is wrong. Their excessive need for nurturance inhibits their capacity to speak up and prioritize their needs. The obsessive personality becomes intensely focused, absurdly rigid, and utterly uninfluencible. The impulsive personality urgently and dramatically springs into action. Having limited capacity or interest in reflection, they permit themselves to act on a hunch or whatever strikes their fancy.

There are more personality types than mentioned above, but you get the idea. The personality takes over under stress, real or perceived, and guides the person's thinking, feeling, and acting.

Conflict Personality Unlocked

Now we can turn our attention to your conflict personality. This concept captures who you become when things don’t go your way, such as when someone puts you down, lets you down, or brings you down. Since the outside world seems so adept at putting us in our place, having control over your conflict personality becomes mandatory if you want to live happily ever after.

Clues to your conflict personality lie in the tapestry woven by your genetic makeup, upbringing, relationship history, and imagination. That’s right; what you do and who you become under duress directly reflects your biology and biography. Related to your life history, much of its influence comes from what you learned during times you didn’t know you were being taught. In psychology, this process is called implicit learning. In contrast with explicit learning, which is information gathered by instruction, implicit learning is rapidly recalled, durable, and steadier under pressure. When implicitly learned, experiences are stored deep in your fantastic brain and take little effort to remember. In fact, by definition, implicit learning does not involve conscious effort. Classic examples include riding a bike, throwing a ball, and trying again after a fail.

Think about the implications. How you respond to conflict is similar to riding a bike. Both are over-learned and don’t require deliberate effort. This explains why learning to tap the brakes during conflict is essential. Each tap puts a slight pause between stimulus and response. The resulting gap is where your thinking brain can squeeze in its influence. Thinking about how you will respond instead of impulsively improves the odds of gaining much-deserved control over the outcome.

Let me add an important caveat. Reshaping your conflict personality to be mutually beneficial, thus reducing conflict, takes lots of practice.

Remember, your mind resolves conflict by repeating the past. In other words, during times of conflict, your mind rapidly recalls useful memories and avoids injury by doing what it has learned to do.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control - You or Your Mind?

No pain, no gain.

The saying “no pain, no gain” should be the official slogan for conflict management.

When life goes according to plan, it’s easy to feel satisfied and balanced, even happy. By contrast, when life goes off course, and you experience the unexpected, your mood rapidly shifts, thoughts become hostile, and the future appears less promising. During such challenging moments, you’ll feel confused, disconnected, and out of balance.

You’re also much more likely to overreact!

Nobody in their right mind looks forward to conflict. Embracing this essential truth explains why most people avoid conflict at all costs. During tense interactions, the interpersonal space becomes filled with heavy gravity, high vacuum, ionizing solar ultraviolet radiation, and extreme temperatures—at least, that’s how it feels.

It’s no wonder most people walk away, downplay, disregard, turn the other cheek, placate, offer empty apologies, or run for the hills when conflict arises. Others act on their aggressive defensiveness by counterattacking, often showing up in the form of blowing an emotional fuse, blurting out hostile comments, or becoming unusually mean and controlling.

During times of conflict, your unmet need fuels the experience of emotional distress and psychological turmoil. Initially, you might become disoriented and deskilled. One client said it perfectly when she shared, “When the fighting starts between me and my husband, I just feel numb and dumb.”

With eyes wide open, you’ll notice the experience of disconnection conveys you have entered a state of conflict. What makes such moments so challenging is how you handle conflict, greatly influenced by the life lessons you learned when you weren’t aware you were being taught. By examining these life lessons, identifying your needs, and developing savvy interpersonal skills, you’ll gain relational mastery and become better prepared to regain balance and increase your life satisfaction. Doing so will teach you how to “turn conflict into connection.”

Learning the lessons conflict has been trying to teach you is precisely what Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ) is all about!

To learn more about Relationship Intelligence, visit our website.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

What do you do when things don’t go your way?

When someone says or does something that bothers or hurts you, do you slink away, get even, or try to talk it out? Your answer to specific questions reveals your “style” or how you respond to conflict.

Reflecting on the questions below, being honest is more important than right. Oh, and have fun taking the quiz.

Conflict Style Quiz

1. Consider any relationship in the present; which of the following is MOST true of you?

A) I find a nice balance between meeting my and the other person’s needs.

B) I assert my point and often try to persuade the other person why my needs are important.

C) I almost always focus all my attention on the other person; my needs don’t matter.

D) It’s tough for me to let my walls down. Others find me guarded or closed off.

2. When considering your current (or most recent) romantic relationship, which of the following BEST describes you?

A) Generally, there is a mutual give-and-take with my partner regarding our needs and feelings.

B) I try to “win” over my partner during the conflict.

C) I give in easily and dislike burdening my partner with my feelings or needs.

D) It’s much easier to focus on day-to-day life and not get into the drama or conflict.

3. Which of the following BEST represents how others (who know you well) describe you?

A) I am comfortable stating my needs and listening/responding to my partner's needs.

B) I am always right and dig into my point of view.

C) I struggle to assert myself and can’t easily make decisions.

D) I avoid dealing with feelings, demanding situations, or conflicts.

4. Which of the following BEST describes your emotions about relationship conflict?

A) While it does not always feel good, I can approach relational conflict's challenging feelings to find a mutual understanding.

B) I have a natural emotional tolerance for conflict and can easily argue my point of view.

C) Conflict usually feels toxic, and I do my best to minimize it to keep others happy.

D) I feel worn down by conflict and would instead focus on not making waves rather than causing drama.

5. Which of the following BEST describes your beliefs about relationship conflict?

A) I usually see conflict as an opportunity to develop a deeper understanding of one another.

B) Conflict is about the situation's logic, and others must see my point of view.

C) It is best to reduce conflict by keeping quiet about my needs or giving in.

D) Conflict is something to avoid, and life is best when everyone focuses on getting along.

6. Which of the following BEST describes how you behave during conflict?

A) I usually sit down and ensure both parties understand one another to resolve conflict.

B) I argue my point of view using logic and facts to be understood.

C) I give in to others and feel more comfortable not creating more problems with my needs.

D) I often use day-to-day things as distractions to focus on so we can “get over it.”

SCORING: Write down the number of answers you marked for each letter.

A’s                B’s                C’s                D’s             

Determine which conflict style is most like you based on your highest scores above.

Collaborative Style

If more A’s show up than any other letter, you have a collaborative conflict style. You tend to work with your partner to prioritize meeting your needs and theirs. You see conflict as an opportunity to deepen understanding and work to expand the range of possibilities available to find win-win outcomes. You will put in the time and effort needed to achieve mutual reward and strengthen connections.

Although you may have a good conflict style overall, it can be helpful to look at areas from below that you scored in to learn how to improve your relationship mindset and skillset.

Competing Conflict Style

If your top score is a B, you have a competing conflict style. Conflicts are about validating your view at the expense of your partner. You tend to try to be correct and impose your will, getting caught in zero-sum, win/lose power struggles. You see being wrong as invalidation and thus prevent rejection through logic, argument, and dominating the other person.

Mindset: Competing may seem to have a more negative attitude. Those with this style may want to look at other ways to enhance perspective. You will likely need to improve flexibility and curiosity most, as you tend toward a singular way of thinking that does not leave enough room for other viewpoints, limiting the available resolutions to a relational conflict. Remember, being right is not the same as relational validation!

Skillset: Your communication tends to be one-sided, focusing solely on your perspective at the expense of another’s. Increasing two-way communication will go a long way toward enhancing conflict resolution in your relationships. While you can be highly creative (or not), you may not always consider options to help you and the other person meet their needs. Likely, you are even-keeled emotionally, but be careful that your valuing of emotional control doesn’t lead you to invalidate the feelings of others. The level of control one has over one's feelings does not equate to the validity of one’s emotions.

Accommodating Conflict Style

If more C’s appear than any other letter, you have an accommodating conflict style. You see conflict as inherently harmful and please others while ignoring/minimizing your needs to prevent rejection or disapproval. You concede to your partner's demands to reduce friction, even at the expense of your own needs. Your tendency to “give in” creates a win-lose situation, and you almost always become the “losing” party.

Mindset: An accommodating style struggles to have a positive attitude toward themselves. Their perspective needs more flexibility for new ways to look at conflict and is overly focused on how to meet the needs of others. Spending energy on understanding your worth and value will be essential even if you express/assert your needs in a relationship. Keeping a relationship by remaining convenient does not lead to validation of how others may meet your requirements. And learning how to approach conflict with this mindset is paramount to solid connection and self-worth.

Skillset: While you may be initially easy to get along with because of your collaborative style, your rigid response pattern and emotional ups and downs make it much less likely for such connections to feel very good. Learning to express your needs rather than your emotions takes creativity. Finding ways to focus on what you want from a relationship rather than just how you feel provides an opportunity for others to connect and help you feel necessary in your relationships.

Avoiding Conflict Style

When D’s are your highest score, you have an avoiding conflict style. You tend to withdraw from conflict or maintain neutrality to avoid ruffling anyone’s feathers. You see conflict as inherently harmful and threatening and feel it’s best to minimize disharmony by not engaging in it. Your instinct is never to label anyone the winner or loser, but, in the end, nobody wins. The solution of avoiding conflict makes the problem more significant in the long run.

Mindset: You tend to have a negative, inflexible view of others and their response to you during the conflict, leaving you convinced that others will not be willing/able to meet your needs. Many of your efforts to protect yourself are the things that make it harder for others to meet your needs, so getting underneath those defenses to express your vulnerable needs can show you that there are people who care about their attachment to you if you give them a chance. In other words, they may not reject you but may reject your defensive efforts to avoid vulnerability.

Skillset: This type of self-preservation and strong attachment desires can lead to ups and downs where you avoid conflict, then become intensely triggered by conflict and react strongly, and then act on your fear of rejection from others later after things have cooled down. The first step in surpassing this is realizing that others are likely willing to meet your needs, and what is needed is collaboration to help them understand your profound truth.

Your mind is self-serving. Designed to protect you, self-preservation is your mind’s top priority. This explains why you do what you do in conflict. The question is, “Are you in control of your mind, or is it controlling you?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Not everything is obvious to everyone.

Even people of like minds disconnect. How’s that possible? What’s going on when this happens?

When a person has a clear thought, what they’re thinking is obvious to them—crystal clear, actually. Then, the clarity of their thought process strengthens their conviction. In turn, they become more certain that they are right, which makes the other person wrong. While being right feels, well, “right,” it frequently creates friction and causes people to disconnect.

This is where things get sticky in relationships.

Consider two people, Susan and Jacqueline, passing the day and enjoying their friendly chatter with each other. So good so far. Typically, both friends can take a good ribbing from time to time, and, relying upon their stockpile of inside jokes they share, their friendship is sturdy and seems bulletproof. Yet, like all relationships, disconnections can happen out of nowhere for no apparent reason.

For example, when Susan tilts their head in response to one of Jacqueline’s comments, stillness intrudes the space between them. Believing that Susan doesn’t fully understand her position, Jacqueline strengthens her advocacy by amping her volume, tensing her tone, and sending the non-verbal message, “What’s wrong with you? I know you’re not that stupid!” Or, at least, that’s what Susan heard in Jacqueline’s steely gaze.

Do you see it? Even a tilt of a head can cause disconnections and make people insecure.

When things are clicking, Susan and Jacqueline are like-minded. They enjoy an effortless connection. They share a lot in common. To many, they’re often mistaken as sisters. They are known to complete each other’s thoughts frequently. Being like-minded is a magic glue that keeps Susan and Jacqueline bonded.

With so much in common, Susan and Jacqueline’s minds work together to elevate their friendship and strengthen their attachment bond. However, even like-minded people like these two sister-friends are sensitive to judgment.

Beyond having things in common, the experience of like minds is the foundation upon which a robust relationship is constructed. When two people enjoy like minds, they enjoy having a “square one” between them. This concept of square one reflects the unspoken tethering of two people, and when conflict arises, it is a safe place to return and deal relationally with the situation.

The problem in the innocent interaction between Susan and Jacqueline was that their two minds were no longer thinking alike, hence the tension between them.

Having “like minds” happens when people effortlessly share the same opinion, passion, or priority. This experience is a type of mental twinship. Where your mind ends and mine begins is the foundation of a trusted connection. But when the gap between two minds becomes obvious, it’s essential that one or both give voice to the disconnection and less focus on what caused it.

Like minds facilitate happiness. The more you get me and remind me that I matter, and I reciprocate, the more quickly we can deal with whatever gets thrown at us. Having minds alike is a learned skill that turns conflicts into connections so that people can live happily ever after.

The trick is learning to read minds, both yours and others.

Learning the lessons conflict has been trying to teach you is precisely what Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ) is all about!

To learn more about Relationship Intelligence, visit our website.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

A stranger to pleasure.

Anhedonia is the reduced ability to feel the depth of pleasure and joy while remaining distant from the rewards of being uplifted. This odd-sounding word, pronounced “an-hee-dow-nee-uh,” derives from the Greek prefix an, “not or without,” and when added to the Greek root Hedone, meaning “pleasure,” Viola!

People who are depressed are known to lose their capacity to experience positive emotions. It’s not that they don’t have emotions; they struggle to feel them—at least the better ones. Too often, people in the dumps become inundated with negative emotions that they know far too well. Being prone to judging themselves harshly and having disrupted sleep, with lowered energy and diminished interest in trying new things, doesn’t help.

According to the latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revised (DSM-5-TR, 2022), the core features of a major depressive disorder involve a one-two punch of depressed mood or loss of interest. But not everyone who’s depressed is anhedonic, and not all anhedonics are depressed.

This last statement bears repeating. While anhedonia may be closely linked to depression, you don’t have to be down or feel sad to be mired in the anhedonic muck.

For the non-depressed anhedonic (NDA), life goes on without much fanfare or hoopla. They go to work, pay their bills, put food on the table, plug into the digital world, and work out to stay in shape. In other words, they’re just like you and me. The difference is that they can’t put their finger on the je ne sais quoi of life—that pleasing quality that can’t be named or described.

When asked, “How are you doing? an NDA person will likely respond, “Okay.” Nothing more and nothing less better captures their felt sense of faraway emotions. Non-depressed anhedonics can come across as neuroatypical, which means that other people experience them as reasonably social but reserved, engaged but detached, and interesting but not easily accessible. In a word, the social signaling of “indifference” emanating from NDAs is what others find to be quizzical, sometimes unapproachable.

NDAs are not unfriendly; they’re observant. They often appear unresponsive, but in truth, they’re deep in thought, distracted by the “what if” and less interested in the “what now.” When you pick up on an NDA seeming a long way away, if you could hear what they cannot say, it might sound something like, “Unlike everyone else, I have no idea how to step into the space between me and others without revealing the social zombie inside me. And even if I knew the trick of the trade in mingling, remind me again, what’s the upside?”

Neuroscience continues to struggle with disentangling the cause of anhedonia. However, in attempting to dissect the neurocircuitry of anhedonia, neuroimaging studies have shown a lowering of activity in the ventral striatum portion of the brain and excessive activity in the ventral region of the prefrontal cortex.

Wow, that sounds impressive, but what does that mean?

To explain these vital brain regions, let’s begin with the ventral striatum. " Ventral” means toward the bottom, and “striatum” refers to a bundle of nerve cells deep in the brain. The ventral striatum is located behind your eyes and is closely linked with reward. The ability to predict and evaluate rewards and risks accurately, or at least confidently, is critical for executing a game plan and staying motivated to reach the finish line.

Next up is the ventral region of the prefrontal cortex (PFC). Since ventral refers to the lower or inferior part of the brain, this points us to a specific area of the PFC located behind your forehead. The PFC is the most evolved human brain region involved in executive function or cognitive control, among other functions. This includes following instructions, inhibiting impulses, regulating emotions, and the conscious experience of pleasure. Hold on to that last part; it’s essential.

So, when there is a lowering of activity in the ventral striatum, the NDA is less willing and able to stick their neck out, take chances, and stay motivated doing things that involve risk. In addition, an excess of activity in the ventral region of the PFC decreases the odds of the NDA being impulsive (they come across as inhibited), jumping for joy (they stay steady), and coloring outside the lines (they are riveted on following the rules, “Isn’t that why rules exist?).”

Putting a bit more polish on the function of the ventral PFC, Roy, Shohamy, and Wager (2012) proposed that this brain region is an integrative hub for processing emotional, sensory, social, memory, and self-related information. When this brain region is stymied, life can lose its luster.

Living with anhedonia may or may not bother you. If it does, and others have given you feedback about your lack of energy or spark, consider exploring options to find more sunshine.

A great place to start is having blood work done to determine your thyroid functioning and vitamin D level. Next, while first-line anti-depressants may not fit the bill, it’s possible that researching mood stabilizers may offer some relief. Beyond prescription medications, finding the right therapist may be highly effective. Chances are you will find working alongside a therapist and focusing on life skills and mood regulation helpful.

Here’s an NDA quick test. Your answers below may shed insight into whether your experiences mimic the symptoms of non-depressed anhedonia.

Your answers to this quick test suggest where you stand on the NDA spectrum. Answer each question on a scale of 1 to 5. Assigning a “1” means the situation doesn’t resonate with you. A 5 means this sounds like a bullseye

1. Do you struggle to feel your feelings?

2. Is there an emptiness inside you that is abundantly filled in most others?

3. More often than not, does a gray sky hover over you and only you that blocks the sunlight of your happiness?

4. Are your thoughts quite frequently cynical, with little interest in the optimistic side of life?

5. Are you challenged to feel “up” and, more typically, lack enjoyment or pleasure?

Now, total the above five questions. The lowest possible score is 5, and the highest is 25. The higher your score, the more likely you are a bonafide NDA, which may deserve your time and attention.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Life is good, bad, and bizarre; you’re pick.

Hedonia describes the private sense of experiencing positive feelings immediately. It is the subjective state of feeling on top of the world. Perhaps the oldest term to capture the essence of human happiness is the quirky word, pronounced “hee-dow-nee-uh,” derived from the Greek root Hedone, meaning “pleasure.”

On the surface, there’s nothing wrong with pursuing happiness. Truthfully, much of modern culture is deeply embedded in the notion that happiness, above all, is the ultimate aspiration. To be “happy” seems to suggest having a life worth living.

Yet, if happiness is elusive to many and rarely within reach to some, who are we to say that their struggle discounts the value of their life? Perhaps what’s amiss in this equation is the belief that happiness is the climactic dream.

The history of happiness reveals variations of this highly sought-after state of mind. Psychological research has distilled happiness down to having a good or pleasant life, and, lest we forget the greater good, there is also a meaningful life.

To balance these different slices of happiness, an intriguing question to ask is,

“How happy are people in general?”

Introducing the hedonic treadmill sheds a bright light on this intriguing question. This concept was developed by psychologists Brickman and Campbell and expanded by the British psychologist Michael Eysenck. The main idea is that after experiencing the ups and downs of everyday life, humans return to a baseline level of happiness.

Can that be true? If so, I’m disappointed. I thought good things in life make us feel better. Are you telling me that after getting a raise, meeting my soul mate, or even winning the lottery, my happiness doesn’t budge? That doesn’t seem right.

The phenomenon of returning to baseline is the treadmill. The point of the treadmill is to show that your happiness levels don’t fluctuate over the long run. As you step into life, you’ll experience bursts of pleasure or sadness. The good news is that after being knocked off your feet by something unpleasant, you’ll bounce back. Of course, it works the other way too. Your sense of happiness gradually dissipates after you strike gold and jump for joy. Do you now see the upside to having fleeting moments of glee and gloom?

The illustration below shows the hedonic treadmill in action.

Here's what is known when the happiness research is distilled into bite-sized chunks.

1. Happiness is highly overrated. Word of warning, there is no citation associated with this thought; it’s an idea that bounces around inside my head, a notion that feels right but needs to be explained. The pursuit of happiness seems overwrought. Ever since Freud introduced the pleasure principle, a psychic force deep within that motivates humans to seek instant gratification and satisfy their most primal needs, my thought has been, “There has to be something much more to life than pursuing happiness.” Then it hit me, what’s beyond happiness is fulfillment. Whether it’s completing a project, doing a good deed, or being there for someone in need, the sense of fulfilling promises you made to yourself, now that’s the stuff worth shouting from the mountaintop.

2. According to the research, the key to being consistently happy is to have new experiences. So, it’s vital that you do an internal risk assessment. Then double dare yourself to increase your willingness to stick your neck out, take chances, sign up for an adventure, put your butt on the line, and, if smart, consider skating on thin ice. While there are no promises that things will always work out, what is guaranteed is that your life will never be the same.

3. Research conducted by Sonja Lyubomirsky indicates that 10% of your happiness is based on life circumstances. However, 40% of your happiness is under your control. Therefore, the burden is on you to find ways to get off your baseline. This is done by mixing things up, trying something new, and stretching the envelope.

4. Research suggests that the happier you are, the more optimistic you become about yourself, others, and the world around you. Even if this research is only approximately correct, it’s worth investing in becoming happier.

5. Not everyone finds happiness in the same places. What turns on one person may annoy another. For some, collecting trinkets makes them smile. For others, the ones who go big focus on self-improvement, which makes them smile from ear to ear.

6. Some research suggests that gratification rather than seeking pleasure is the way to find lasting contentment, which improves your optimism and, in turn, puts you in a better place overall.

Summing up and moving on, while money can’t buy happiness, it can buy many other things that make you feel momentarily happy. Just be very careful. Be forewarned, the treadmill doesn’t run itself. You need to step on and keep running because your happiness is up to you.

The answer to the question, “How happy are people in general?” is that it depends. With an open mind, adventurous spirit, and determined focus, you can be as happy as you dare. One last piece of advice: try trading the treadmill for an outdoor trail. Amazing things happen out there.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

What makes life worth living?

The short answer to this intriguing question is that a satisfying life is about meeting your needs.

Yet, there must be more to life than simply quenching our eagerness for thirst, hunger, and shelter. Here’s the good news. Beyond your basic needs, there are those things you want, desire, and deserve. Combined, these four factors reflect the essence and quality of your lived experience. When regularly satisfied, life is good—at times, very good.

By contrast, you know you’re not getting out of life what you need, want, desire, and deserve (N+W+D+D) when you notice something missing. For example, think about a woman who’s been married for ten years. Her name is Michelle, and her partner is Jack. While Jack excels at providing and protecting, she’s realized something important. After considerable reflection and consternation, what’s become apparent is that “something is missing.” What that something is remains a mystery to her. Michelle can’t quite find the words to match her private experience of emptiness. But she’s taken the first step in realizing her life is incomplete.

This private experience is called deprivation. Like famine and starvation, the lack of satiation of vital psychological necessities creates despair and emotional upheaval. Relational deprivation causes a person to retreat into aloneness. We become distant from our emotional truth when left alone for too long. Consequently, it’s vital to attune yourself to what you need, want, desire, and deserve.

While these N+W+D+D factors are closely interconnected, they also stand by themselves and deserve explicit time and attention. Let me distinguish them for you.

Need

When contemplating the intrinsic concept of “need,” what first comes to mind is a primal sense of safety and security. Feeling safe and secure is an essential state that serves as a foundation for trust to develop. When something is “needed,” it’s necessary, something you can’t live without; it’s not optional. Without having what you need, you are vulnerable to being harmed.

You’ll know your needs aren’t being met when you feel needy or desperate. In the physical world, you need oxygen. This is not debatable. In the psychological world, the equivalence to air is safety, and, again, no debate is necessary. By contrast, while it may seem you “need” attention or affection, it’s what you prefer or desire. Confusing what you need from what you want can contribute to you making unwise and impulsive decisions. Such as, “I need a drink right now!”

Want

Wanting something feels different from what you need. Wanting something is moving in the direction of your preferences. To put “wanting” into perspective, consider such thoughts as: “I want a good steak tonight,” “I want tickets to the symphony,” or “I want the phone that Apple just dropped.” These are great things to acquire, but I trust you can live without them.

When people prioritize their wants over their needs, they display entitlement or uncontrolled indulgence. For instance, buying a new outfit instead of paying your mortgage doesn’t seem wise. Of course, the new outfit fits perfectly and looks great, but at what cost? To regain balance, it’s helpful to consider the following therapeutic phase, “Behavior doesn’t lie, people do!”

When your Amazon packages are delivered daily, and your partner expresses concern about you draining the bank account, it’s time to examine and reflect on your behavior. If you don’t have a best friend to help you process this internal dilemma, consider finding a world-class therapist who can help you decipher your motivations and get back in control of your spending rather than your spending controlling you.

Desire

At first, separating what you want from what you desire may seem hard to distinguish. To help make the critical distinction, think of “desire” as something deep inside you. For instance, while you may “want” to start dating, once you meet someone who seems perfect for you, you will “desire” spending time with them, laughing together, creating inside jokes, and discovering what you have in common and how your differences might positively reshape both of you.

Desiring something is discerned by asking, “If your wish came true, what would happen next?” Think of a middle school girl, Olivia, who’s having a birthday. When her family assembles, and the gifts are unwrapped, she gets to blow out the candles on her special day cake. As she prepares to extinguish the flames, Olivia closes her eyes and makes a wish. Happily, Olivia had enough breath to blow out all twelve candles at once. Everyone cheers. What did Olivia wish for? She could have hoped for anything, but what she desired more than anything was to own a pony someday.

Olivia doesn’t expect the pony to arrive tomorrow. But she’s a little happier because someday, she whispers to herself, her wish will come true. What she desires is beyond her immediate grasp, but it feels graspable. Desires are amazing.

Deserve

Now comes the hard part. What do you deserve? This is a tricky question for most. Some people, in fact, quite rapidly diminish their value by saying, “I don’t deserve a thing.” They’re wrong. We all deserve something.

Much of what people deserve is invisible, such as respect, acknowledgment, approval, and validation. To fully understand the quality of deserving, think about an incomplete circle. This image represents unfinished business and, psychologically speaking, reflects what people crave to feel complete.

Consider Michael’s situation. He works harder than anyone else at work, puts more time into completing projects, and is the kind of person who triple-crosses his T’s and triple-dots his I’s. Michael possesses a blue-collar toughness, works non-stop, and is loyal to a fault. But what keeps Michael motivated? If you could hear what Michael cannot say, it might sound like, “I deserve a raise, a promotion, or at least recognition for my doggedness and quality-mindedness.”

Checking in with what you “deserve” is an excellent psychological exercise. Once you identify what you deserve, game on; now, go get it.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Attachment is what you learned when you weren’t aware you were being taught.

Throughout your upbringing and relationship history, what you know that happened and everything else that did happen compiles to form your most important life lessons. These lessons are stored in biographical folders, some dustier than others, and instinctively referenced, especially during times of struggle.

Attachment is the felt connection between you and the people you are closest to. If the hand you were dealt during your earliest years was favorable and the primary nurturing figures in your life were present and responsive, you experienced attunement. Lucky for you, the emotional space between you and a trusted caregiver, typically your mother and father, was warm and secure. Because of this track record of stability and security, you learned how to trust when your brain couldn’t lay down permanent memories but still stored them so you’d never forget. These life experiences led to you feeling secure deep inside. Outside of immediate awareness, this precious gift you were given pays dividends throughout the rest of your life.

When the hand you were dealt was unsteady and inconsistent at best, you developed insecurity. For those of us whose early days and childhood experiences were bumpy and filled with uneven connections and mixed messages, the fluctuations with whom we could trust and be vulnerable became the unstable foundation of selfhood. Some of us lean in the direction of our anxieties. Never fully trusting what might happen next, we worry that anything will start something. And no matter what we do, nothing changes. Another version of insecurity includes those of us who fear upsetting others. Afraid about the next conflict, outwardly quiet, reserved, and detached, we master the art of observation while never being shown how to engage confidently. Our shaky connections instruct us that it’s better to avoid than confront. This explains why avoidance has become our trusted ally.

Next, let’s explore the attachment years to understand how attachment emerges. First, your earliest attachment years were times you will never remember but can never forget. Infancy is the time of ultimate vulnerability and dependence. How you were treated up to your first birthday was recorded at a cellular level, deeply present and forever absent.

Then, as you entered your toddler years, you gained freedom and began exploring your surroundings. Were you given ample opportunities to adventure into the new world? Did toys, books, and puzzles surround you? Were you given space to tinker, dabble, and doodle? Was freedom vast and adventure your best friend?

Did your relationships grow during the school years? Did you flourish alongside friends? Was the feeling of “fitting in” always with you? Or were you overlooked or bullied? Did you never fit in and feel like you stood out, not in a good way? Did such difficult times cause you to think of yourself as different and, again, not in a good way?

Were you supported and promoted during your teen years to do your best regardless of the outcome? Was having fun championed over winning at all costs? Did friends look forward to you arriving, or were you barely noticed? Was living up to your potential stressed, or were you encouraged to realize the potential around you?

As you moved into adulthood, did some of the shadows from your upbringing and relationship history continue to haunt you? Or, did you escape the life traps of your developmental years and prosper from the people around you? Did other people make you feel special? Did they remind you that you belong, which permitted you to stand out in good ways?

In your present-day life, did you get brave and learn to put your past back in its place so you could have the future you need, want, desire, and deserve? Which is more true: Do you control your future, or does your future control you?

Who you become is closely related to who you have known and whether you get to know your true self or just a version. In this way, the question is less about “Who am I?” The better question, the one with real potential, is, “Whose am I?”

Take the following Attachment History Quiz for a peek into the hand you were dealt and the luck you had along the way. Answer each question by being more honest than right.

Mostly True - score 4; Somewhat True, score 3; Somewhat False, score 2; and Mostly False, score 1.

1. My earliest memories are those of feeling safe and supported. Those who raised me were generally healthy and attentive to my needs.

2. In my first few years of life, I was held and touched, my cries were heard, and my needs were met.

3. As a busy toddler learning about the world, my stumbles and frustrations were addressed with patience and caring. When I fell, someone was there to pick me up. When I cried, someone kept me company. When I did something unique, someone celebrated alongside me.

4. In my early school years, someone showed great interest, nurtured my growth, promoted my efforts, and taught me the power of contributing.

5. I felt valued and validated during the ups and downs of adolescence. I was given the opportunity for more independence while still having the supportive safety nest to catch me when I fell.

6. My early relationships taught me that other people would understand me, that my needs matter, and that it is safe to rely on others to meet them.

Scoring

Add your scores for all six questions to find your Personal Attachment History total. Use this total score to find out which category you may belong to.

Interpretation

Scores between 19 and 24 suggest you had a solid upbringing, which provided great opportunities to learn how to balance your needs with those of others. You were lucky. While you will still experience insecurity as an adult, you can likely keep things in perspective and refrain from spinning out of control.

Scores between 13 and 18 indicate when emotional connections were not strengthened as much as they might have been. Because of these teetering experiences, you may have developed difficulties in the broad areas of trust, dependence, and vulnerability.

Scores between 9 and 12 suggest that your needs and desires were often ignored or bypassed. It’s likely your childhood was filled with unpredictability and degrees of loss. Perhaps you were the forgotten child or needed to work extra hard to get the attention and affection you deserved. Either way, you are probably quite accomplished at sacrificing your needs and have become exceptional at attending to the needs of others.

Scores between 4 and 8 suggest you likely experienced more absence than the presence of nurturing attachment figures while growing up. Because of these experiences, you will likely develop survival skills rather than living skills. Such experiences set the stage for relationships to be more dissatisfying, discouraging, and disappointing than they should be. Your attachment experiences likely left you incredibly in touch with your insecurities and deeply felt a sense of defectiveness. You may struggle with trust, truth, commitment, and intimacy issues.

If you want to learn more about your attachment history and how these life lessons shaped your sense of self and worldview, contact the Relationship Intelligence Center.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

How do you feel about yourself?

How about others? What do they think of you?

Connecting with important people in your life creates your sense of self while shaping your worldview and how you interact with your surroundings. You heard that right. Beyond your genetic gifts, much of who you become is influenced by those around you.

For better or worse, these vital attachments you experienced throughout your upbringing and relationship history shape your relationship with yourself and how you attach to others.

Reflecting on the questions below, being honest is more important than right. Oh, and have fun taking the quiz.

Attachment Style Quiz

1. Based on past experiences, which of the following is MOST true of you?

A) I easily develop mutual emotional ties to others.

B) I tend to put less energy into relationships because they interfere with my needs.

C) I cling to my relationships as if my life depended on them, and I do not let go, even if they hurt me.

D) I tend to avoid opening up to relationships. If I do let someone in, I put a lot of weight on that relationship to meet my needs.

2. Looking back over your relationships, which of the following BEST describes you?

A) I have usually trusted that I could meet my relationship needs and acted accordingly.

B) I have typically avoided relationships because others are not worth dealing with.

C) I have tended to suffer internally rather than risk rejection because I stood up for myself.

D) I have tended to refrain from expressing my needs and have found that others are typically not good at understanding/meeting my needs.

3. When you think about your family of origin, childhood relationships, and adolescent relationships, which of the following is MOST true?

A) I felt that others understood my needs and that they mattered to others.

B) I was the best person to understand my needs, so I tended to rely on myself and not need others.

C) I tended to focus on pleasing others and minimizing conflict in meaningful relationships.

D) I usually did not let others in, but I was easily hurt by those who did get close to me.

4. If you are being honest with yourself, which of the following is closest to how you feel?

A) I generally have a positive view of myself and other people.

B) I view myself as positive but tend to view others less highly.

C) I view others highly but tend to see myself less positively than others.

D) I tend to struggle to feel good about myself and tend to view others in a negative light.

5. Regarding opening up in relationships, which BEST describes how you feel?

A) I can generally share my private self with others and feel it will be well-received.

B) I am not inclined to open up to others because they likely won’t be able to give me what I need.

C) I fear that sharing my private self is too risky and may lead to others rejecting me.

D) I tend not to open up to others and put a great deal of weight/pressure on relationships where I have been open.

6. Which of the following BEST describes how you feel about trust in relationships?

A) While not always easy, I can trust others, and they can trust me.

B) I often do not trust others to have the ability to understand or meet my needs as well as I can.

C) I struggle to trust others to feel my needs are important and I would be too much of a burden.

D) I tend to feel that others cannot be trusted with my needs and that my needs are too much for others to handle.

SCORING: Write down the number of answers you marked for each letter.

A’s                B’s                C’s                D’s                

Determine which attachment style is most like you based on your highest scores.

Secure Attachment Style

If more A’s appear than any other letter, you have a secure attachment style. You generally maintain a positive view of both yourself and others. While life isn’t always easy, you tend to feel basic trust and confidence in interpersonal relationships. This makes relationships feel like an avenue to get needs met mutually, and challenges in relationships are met with a tendency to believe that problems between you can be worked out. You seek to know what others are thinking and feeling while investing in letting others know what you think and feel.

Dismissive + Avoidant Attachment Style

If your top score is a B, you have a dismissive and avoidant attachment style. You tend to have a positive view of self and a negative view of others. You see yourself as worthy and deserving of love but feel that others are not worth trusting. You often think you can love, but potential partners must be more trustworthy, supportive, and likely to disappoint you. Given that you are fearful to open up and be vulnerable with others, you become very avoidant of intimate relationships. You may be overly independent, claim that you don’t need others, and act as though relationships are not your priority. You protect yourself against disappointment by avoiding close relationships and maintaining independence and invulnerability. By avoiding relationships, you don’t get hurt or disappointed.

Preoccupied + Anxious Attachment Style

If more C’s appear than any other letter, you have a preoccupied and anxious attachment style. You have a negative view of self and a positive view of others. You see others as better than you and go above and beyond to keep people in your life. You often feel that people don’t care about you as much as you care about them and feel unworthy in relationships. You may be described as a people pleaser, trying to avoid conflict and keep those around you happy. You tend toward an over-involvement in close relationships, a dependence on other people’s acceptance for a sense of personal well-being, a tendency to idealize other people, and incoherence and exaggerated emotionality in discussing relationships.

Fearful + Avoidant Attachment Style

When D’s are your highest score, you have a fearful and avoidant attachment style. You have a negative view of both yourself and others. You tend to view yourself as unworthy and undeserving of love, and you also believe others are likely to hurt you if you let them get close to you. This results in a hesitance to form attachments. However, due to your negative self-regard, you rely on others to maintain a positive view of yourself. This need for approval often makes you dependent on a relationship even though you are initially very reluctant to get attached. Unlike preoccupied individuals, you are less likely to pursue attachment and make bids for affection because you anticipate rejection when you try.

Your mind is not relational. That’s right, it is not designed to bring people together. But your connections to others are vital to your well-being and shape your sense of self. The question is, “Are you in control of your mind, or is it controlling you?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Are you on the spectrum?

Here’s an important clue…everyone is. There are no exceptions to this rule. In every relationship, given enough time and circumstance, often much sooner than expected, everyone experiences some degree of disconnection.

Check out the Disconnection Spectrum below, which ranges from mild to severe.

As shown above, the disconnection spectrum is broad and progressively distressful. On the mild side, while not envying, it’s common to feel displeased, dissatisfied, disappointed, and discouraged in the relational world. But then, beyond these mild degrees of disconnection is the real culprit – disrespect. Not only is disrespect upsetting and hurtful, but most conflict comes from people feeling disrespected. It’s where the problem begins. When someone disrespects you, a line has been crossed, and the connection is broken. Following disrespect, the remaining shades of disconnection reflect increasingly severe forms of relational trauma.

Here’s some good news. When disconnection is detected, there is an opportunity to pause, reflect, and reconnect. For many, this sounds much easier than it is.

What does it feel like to be disconnected? What causes disconnection? The experience of being disconnected ranges from subtle, nearly undetectable, to clear as a bell and outrageous. When disconnected, what’s the first thing most people do?

Let’s begin our quest to answer these critical questions by asking the most elementary one–what triggers the inner experience of disconnection? This is best explained by starting with what it means to be connected.

When connected, people feel safe, supported, and validated. These three magical ingredients provide the foundation for friendships to thrive, love to blossom, and family members to feel like they belong to something bigger than themselves. The sense of connection extends the message, “You can be yourself without fear of judgment, reprisal, or petty relational shenanigans.” Being connected is amazing because it provides people with a shared reality that is positive and uplifting.

Of course, the opposite side of feeling a connection is disconnection. You’ll know you are disconnected when you feel unsafe, alone, or invalidated. Suppose the most significant forms of validation include being understood and treated with love and respect. When treated in these ways, you’ll feel that the person “gets you” and that “you matter.” These are the two most incredible forms of validation ever!

If accurate, it makes sense that painful disconnections involve being misunderstood and treated unlovingly and disrespectfully. When you feel these feelings repeatedly, what’s causing you to lose faith in the relationship because they don’t pass your most crucial test? They “don’t get you,” making you feel like you “don’t matter.” These are the two most wounding forms of invalidation ever!

The Infinity Loop

Let’s unpack the counterproductive nature of feeling disconnected. What happens privately when the connection breaks? Being disconnected triggers a sense of vulnerability and insecurity—a double-whammy! When the feeling of disconnection is dissected, it shows up as a combination of inner turmoil, emotional upheaval, cognitive confusion, somatic distress, and psychological undercurrents. Unbeknownst to you, your mind goes back into the past and detects similar experiences when your attachment needs were unmet. Borrowing from the tactics you employed years ago, in the here and now, you are compelled to react defensively and with self-protection in mind.

In summary, the Infinity Loop is triggered by disconnection, which activates your sense of vulnerability and insecurity. In turn, your mind goes into its way-back machine and retrieves earlier times when your attachment needs were disappointed. Without knowing it, you honed survival skills during such times to deal with the unfavorables in your life. And around we go, forever, until the loop is broken.

The life lessons you learned during your upbringing and relationship history are comprised of the interplay of your parent’s fitness, your birth order, extended family involvement, attachment style, privileges and opportunities you were granted or denied, the role you played in your family, prior relationships, gender socialization, and your hidden drama and trauma history. This constellation of good, bad, and bizarre times is worth exploring.

Me + You = Self

Humans are relational creatures. Underscoring this phenomenon, social science pegged a construct called “social constructionism,” fancy words for the emergence of “self,” which is constructed “within” and greatly influenced by social forces. In simplest terms, your sense of “me” is an admixture of the hand you were dealt (biology) and the luck you had along the way (biography).

Consistent with this idea that your interactions with your outside world shape your identity and your felt sense of a personal self, it stands to reason that when you are raised feeling substantially more connected than disconnected, the odds increase markedly that your adaptive self is robust. You’ll know that your past was favorable when you show signs of resilience, self-discipline, and tenacity. By contrast, when disconnections far exceed connections, your identity takes hits that it might not be able to afford. This means how you sense yourself (understanding), how you view yourself (image), how you invest in yourself (worth), and how much you believe in yourself (meaning) may tumble around and, confused by mixed messages, struggle to unify.

In this way, the power of connection is made visible while the price of disconnection is spotlighted.

Key Takeaway

It’s vital to think of disconnection as a prompt for attention. Whether hanging with a circle of friends, walking with your closest companion, or luxuriating in solitude, you must tune into your felt sense of connection or the lack thereof. Doing so will vastly improve your chances of enjoying the “me” inside of you.

Gaining critical insight into identifying the basic needs of being human and learning essential skills that turn conflict into connection will help you develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to love and be loved. If reimagining connection and disconnection sounds good, you should consider learning more by visiting the Relationship Intelligence Center website.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

You are more than a diagnosis.

Special Note: Diagnoses are abstractions or summaries: sometimes helpful, always incomplete. Also, neurobiology is a continuum; it follows ADHD falls on a spectrum.

Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is best conceptualized as a developmental and neurogenic disorder of self-control with impairment or relative weakness in the broad area of executive functions. Executive functions are meta-cognitive abilities that influence various mental and behavioral tasks. These include self-inhibition, task switching, multitasking, working memory, planning, organization, decision-making, cognitive flexibility, and emotional regulation.

Quick Insight…think of ADHD as the neurophysiological misfiring of self-regulation and attention.

The disorder we know today as ADHD consists of ongoing problems with sustained attention and effort, selective attention, and self-regulation (cognitive, behavioral, and emotional) related to widespread difficulties in executive control of one’s life. What other people notice about people with ADHD is their distractibility and difficulty processing the importance of what needs to be done. They may also observe problems with timeliness, messiness, and emotional control.

Russell Barkley, Ph.D., a leading scholar and fantastic speaker on ADHD, captures the ADHD person perfectly when he describes what’s going on inside their head as they experience the outside world in the following self-statement.

“I know what to do; I don’t do what I know.”

Dr. Barkeley’s conceptualization of ADHD instructs that it is better viewed as an executive function disorder (EFD) comprised of five challenges.

Time Management + Organization + Self-Disipline + Self-Motivation + Emotional Regulation

Dr. Barkley has written and spoken extensively about ADHD. A great place to start being inspired by his scholarly research, thoughtful findings, and practical advice is reading his two companion books, “Taking Charge of ADHD” and “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD.” Both books are concise and focused on providing valuable information without overwhelming you with complex science that distracts most readers.

Gabor Mate, MD, in his fantastic book about ADHD entitled “Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder,” provides valuable insights into the ADHD mind. Dr. Mate states the significant impairments of ADHD - distractibility, hyperactivity, and poor impulse control - reflect, each in its particular way, a lack of self-regulation.

When neurologically explained, the lack of inhibition (an ineffective brake pedal) that characterizes ADHD is due to chronic underactivity of the prefrontal cortex (PFC). More specifically, there is lowered activity in the portion of the PFC responsible for prioritizing, selecting, and inhibiting. This is why stimulant medication (for example, Adderall or Concerta) is prescribed, as it increases the neural activity of this brain region.

In summary, the following findings are generally accepted when the science of ADHD is reviewed.

1. ADHD features include poor attention span, distractibility and low boredom threshold, poor impulse control, and (mostly in males) difficulty being still.

2. ADHD primarily involves a difference in neural maturation of the brain's basal ganglia, cerebellum, and frontal lobes.

3. ADHD appears to be a condition stemming partly from inefficient brain operation relative to task and environmental demands, leading to poor execution of behavior.

4. ADHD is not a disease or illness but reflects an immaturity or neurological delay in the pace at which children develop self-control and self-discipline.

5. Poor self-discipline is synonymous with poor self-control, which leads to impulsive behavior. Children display increased inattention under conditions of repetition, effortfulness, and disinterest.

6. ADHD may be better recognized as an Executive Function Disorder (EFD). Executive function is how efficiently a person does what they decide to do. EF is an umbrella term encompassing self-regulation, sequencing of behavior, flexibility, response inhibition, planning, and organization of behavior.

To learn more about ADHD, it’s strongly recommended that you visit the website of Dr. Russell Berkeley, MD, who has dedicated himself to its education and research.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Am I too old to have ADHD?

The short answer is yes, but it’s tricky.

Special Note: Diagnoses are abstractions or summaries: sometimes helpful, always incomplete. Also, neurobiology is a continuum; it follows that ADHD is too.

ADHD is a neurodevelopment disorder reflected by atypical neurological development in the brain, especially in the prefrontal cortex (PFC) area, located at the very front of the brain and behind the forehead and eyes. Neurologically, what’s happening is a chronic under activity of the PFC that causes you to become flooded with competing bits of sensory data, thoughts, feelings, and impulses. Since your body and mind cannot be still, you struggle with sustained focus and degrees of self-control.

Because ADHD is a development problem, it does not show up out of nowhere in the adult years. By definition, ADHD symptoms are experienced in early childhood, at least by the middle school years, and contribute to substantial and chronic impairment across multiple settings.

The tricky part of adult ADHD is that as a child, you may not have been immediately aware of your ADHD because your environment supported, promoted, coached, and accommodated your unique style of learning and being. When your parents, teachers, and coaches huddled together, they collectively provided you with structure and direction, and this support effectively hid your ADHD. Then, when the form disappeared in your adult years, you came face-to-face with your ADHD.

A brief test that reveals you might have adult ADHD comes down to answering a single question.

Do you forget to remember the future?

How did you do? Are you still unsure? Perhaps your answers to the following few questions will clarify whether adult ADHD might explain your day-to-day struggles.

1. Do you know what to do but don’t do what you know?

2. Do you do things without thinking? Take risks others think twice about and avoid.

3. Do you need to remember to attach importance to things that must be done?

4. Does time slip your mind, causing you to be late or procrastinate?

5. Being somewhat forgetful and disorganized, do you make careless mistakes?

6. Do you want to control yourself, but your mind won’t?

7. Do you feel something needs to be corrected or not quite right about how you think, feel, and act?

Your answers shine a bright light on whether you’re on the ADHD spectrum. But if you’re still not convinced, take the challenge test.

Russell Barkley, Ph.D., discusses adult ADHD in his marvelous book “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD” and identifies five challenges in managing daily activities.

Challenge #1 - Poor self-management relative to time, planning, and goals.

Challenge #2 - Poor self-organization, problem-solving, and working memory.

Challenge #3 - Poor self-discipline or lack of inhibition.

Challenge #4 - Poor self-motivation.

Challenge #5 - Poor self-activation, concentration, and alertness.

Does this sound like you? If so, the good news is adult ADHD can be managed by developing life skills that help you control your life more than your life holding you. It’s true; you can learn to coach yourself and modify your surroundings, so your ADHD symptoms become less interfering and frustrating and more worthy of winks and giggles.

Because ADHD is a development problem, it does not show up out of nowhere in the adult years. By definition, ADHD symptoms are experienced in early childhood, at least by the middle school years, and contribute to substantial and chronic impairment across multiple settings.

The tricky part of adult ADHD is that as a child, you may not have been immediately aware of your ADHD because your environment supported, promoted, coached, and accommodated your unique style of learning and being. When your parents, teachers, and coaches huddled together, they collectively provided you with structure and direction, and this support effectively hid your ADHD. Then, when the form disappeared in your adult years, you came face-to-face with your ADHD.

A brief test that reveals you might have adult ADHD comes down to answering a single question.

Do you forget to remember the future?

How did you do? Are you still unsure? Your answers to the following questions may shed valuable light on whether adult ADHD might explain your day-to-day struggles.

1. Do you know what to do but don’t do what you know?

2. Do you do things without thinking? Take risks others think twice about and avoid.

3. Do you need to remember to attach importance to things that must be done?

4. Does time slip your mind, causing you to be late or procrastinate?

5. Being somewhat forgetful and disorganized, do you make careless mistakes?

6. Do you want to control yourself, but your mind won’t?

7. Do you feel that something is wrong or not quite right about how you think and act?

Your answers shine a bright light on whether you’re on the ADHD spectrum. But if you’re still not convinced, take the challenge test.

Russell Barkley, Ph.D. discusses adult ADHD in his marvelous book “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD” and identifies five challenges in managing daily activities.

Challenge #1 - Poor self-management relative to time, planning, and goals.

Challenge #2 - Poor self-organization, problem-solving, and working memory.

Challenge #3 - Poor self-discipline or lack of inhibition.

Challenge #4 - Poor self-motivation.

Challenge #5 - Poor self-activation, concentration, and alertness.

Does this sound like you? If so, the good news is adult ADHD can be managed by developing life skills that help you control your life more than the life holding you. It’s true; you can learn to coach yourself and modify your surroundings so your ADHD symptoms become less interfering and frustrating and more worthy of winks and giggles.

If learning to remember the importance of doing something you’d rather avoid sounds interesting, contact our clinic or enjoy the process of digging deep into adult ADHD research.

A great start on your journey to learning about ADHD involves visiting the website of Dr. Russell Berkeley, MD, who has dedicated himself to the education and research of ADHD. He’s a fantastic speaker and speaks from a place of comfortable confidence.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Is attention nothing more than a fish story?

The mind specializes in open-and-shut thinking, simplifying complexity by accessing what it knows to be accurate, force-fitting the new information into this mental database, and producing a cut-and-dried response. To your mind, things are rapidly self-evident. Moreover, once your mind has made up its mind, it believes itself to be correct.

Score one for the evolution of human cognition.

Still more, this fancy footwork of your mind happens automatically, mostly outside your immediate awareness. Again, much of how you process the world around you happens at a level deeper than conscious thought. This phenomenon explains the public’s attraction to sound bites, catchphrases, buzzwords, snappy slogans, and, let’s not forget, emojis.

Do you see the challenge?

Your mind operates on a master feedback loop. It absorbs information and creates patterns or categories of information. In cognitive psychology, this step is known as chunking. Binding small pieces of information together to form more extensive and familiar wholes is your mind's virtuoso talent. After the data is chunked, it is dumped into your short or long-term memory banks. Next, having accomplished its mission, your mind goes dormant until notified by your private thoughts, public quandaries, or creative sparks.

Explained playfully, when new information arrives, your mind employs a “notice and name” strategy instead of musingly deliberating on its merits. Think of novel data as a shiny object. To your mind, it’s just doing its job: receiving data, chunking, dumping, and moving on. The outcome of your mind obeying its internalized code gives you a sense of snap enlightenment. Remember, however, that much of your inner scholarship and wisdom stems from shiny objects.

Let me break this down a bit further.

Learning begins with attention. If something doesn’t attract your attention, by definition, it is ignored or dismissed. Consider the coaxing influence of shiny objects.  Anything new or “shiny” has a greater chance of catching your eye. On the opposite end of the spectrum, this explains why things that become routine appear to happen without thinking. This also answers why marketing specialists defy expectations by introducing quirkiness, strangeness, and the unexpected in their campaigns. If something grabs your attention, in that moment, nothing else matters. This illustrates what humans and goldfish have in common; both have an attention span of less than ten seconds. Truth be known, because humans spend much of their time connected to portable technology, according to a 2015 study completed by Microsoft Corp., goldfish have a slight edge in the attention span area, beating humans by one second.

Once something grabs your attention, your mind takes over. Remember the order? It’s a shiny object followed by chunking, dumping, and catching a snooze. 

What’s the lesson from above? To optimize your brain functioning, you should mimic what goldfish do. In short, you’re better off exploring your surroundings (e.g., “Look, there’s a castle and a floating tree!”) than nosediving into your phone or computer. Also, it’s critical to understand how much influence digital lifestyles advanced by the mobile Internet shapes thinking, colors perception, reinforces beliefs, and leaves you disadvantaged. The challenge becomes, what do you do next to catch up to the goldfish?

The short answer is to unplug. When you put down your phone, look around, find something that catches your attention, and then engage, you optimize your brain.

Congratulations on catching up to goldfish.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Trust is square one.

Nothing matters more in a relationship; trust is the bedrock of authentic connection. When vital, relationships flourish. When something causes trust to be lost, it must be found, or the relationship ends, often rapidly and unpleasantly.

When trust is broken due to failures of integrity or morality, people cannot forgive easily. We tend not to believe that lapses of decency or integrity are affected by situational factors. Instead, we think immoral acts are dispositional, deep inside, and reflect a person’s character, the way they are hard-wired, and their true colors. Consequently, we struggle to believe in excuses for someone’s bad behavior. When spoken, they often sound trite, scripted, and disingenuous.

The critical insight behind this reality is that words alone cannot heal deep wounds.

Choosing Wisely

In simplest terms, morality is knowing the difference between right and wrong and choosing wisely. When breached, the 64-thousand-dollar question is: Can a temporary suspension from doing the right thing or making a wrong decision transformative?  Are people capable of benefitting from their transgression?  Is it possible relationships might improve when the correct steps are taken? Can morality be learned?

The short answer to the last question is: “Yes, but it requires imagination, discipline, and time.”

Trust is rebuilt over weeks and months, not minutes and days. Also, the rebuilding process must be backed up by actions, not just words. Ask a third grader; anyone can apologize for their infraction or misdeed. Saying "I’m sorry” is too easy, and something more courageous and bold is needed. It takes a person of “character” to be apologetic by making thoughtful choices and intentional actions that symbolize their heartfelt desire to show remorse while inviting the opportunity to be reappraised across time.

Let’s recap. Simply saying you're sorry is not enough. It falls pathetically short of what the other person needs. Rebuilding trust requires your mindset to shift toward understanding the power of mutuality. What this means in behavioral terms is that you must show that you are fundamentally a different person. Demonstrating what you’ve learned over time is the active ingredient in rebuilding trust.

Introducing Restorative Justice

Restorative justice is the process of repairing or " restoring” the harm caused by a misdeed. This approach involves the stakeholders mutually determining how best to repair the damage done. Restorative justice focuses on reforming the person who caused the injury while deliberately helping those who have been harmed. The critical ingredient that makes restorative justice healing involves understanding what is needed to undo the hurt and showing committed effort.

Three factors are interconnected when contemplating the concept of needs in relational psychology. These components include safety, support, and validation, in that order. By way of proof, flipping the factors over, when trust is violated, we experience a medley of feeling unsafe, alone, and invalidated. Consequently, restorative justice emphasizes doing things over time that convincingly reestablish the injured person’s sense of psychological safety, emotional support, and re-verification of their value. 

Consistency is a critical component. At first, people may discount what you are doing as a psychological marketing ploy. It takes time, commitment, and self-control to show that deliberate efforts for restorative justice are not just a PR stunt but a lifelong change.

The diagram below provides an overview of the core trust-building agreements.

There is no gimmick to being trustworthy. It comes from being reliable and consistent in one’s actions. And there is no trick to regaining trust when it has been lost or broken.

To begin the process of restoring justice, you need to acknowledge that trust has been abused and take responsibility for this reality. If the loss of confidence is due to a moral issue, a breach of relational ethics, or just doing the wrong thing, then the way back to trust is tricky and requires patience and determination—you must demonstrate not just that you have learned from the infraction but that you have fundamentally changed your ways.

After making this acknowledgment, the real work begins. The first step is transparency, which involves a willingness to be an open book. Since you have nothing more to hide, now is the time to prove it by stating your intentions, disclosing your schedule, and keeping yourself open to inquiries non-defensively.

The second step is responsibility. Sounds easy, right? However, responsibility implies taking ownership of your missteps and consistently stepping in the right direction.

Step three embraces something bigger than you. That would be “us.” Making your relationship the most important focal point is what this step is all about.

Step four is sincerity. This overused word means saying and doing things that are heartfelt. Stop using your head and go with your heart.

The final step is timing. Doing the right thing at the right time for the right reason repeatedly will help change how other people perceive you.

The Power of Square One

When you restore trust, you have rediscovered the power of square one. Square one is the interpersonal space where trust luxuriates. You're deeply connected when you share a square one with another person. Congratulations! You have also improved your relationship intelligence and are well on your way to learning how to turn conflict into connection.

To learn more about Relationship Intelligence, visit our website.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

PTSD stands for post-traumatic stress disorder.

Special Note: Diagnoses are abstractions or summaries: sometimes helpful, always incomplete. Also, neurobiology is a continuum; it follows that trauma is, too.

Trauma is personal and intensely private. To be traumatized is to feel a shift within you after something happened around you. According to Gabor Mate, a wondrous writer and spellbinding speaker on the conditions of being human, “Trauma is not what happens to you but what happens inside of you.”

The impact of trauma happens to your body and mind. To underscore this fact, a leader in the field of trauma research, Bessel van der Kolk, MD, has written a seminal book entitled “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.” This book title perfectly summarizes the depth and breadth of trauma’s influence.

When your mind cannot forget what happened and you remain easily triggered by memories that should have never been made, your past becomes the problem. Interestingly, since your mind is designed to protect you from bad things happening, it remains sensitively connected to your worst memories.

Do you see the problem related to trauma?

According to Mind Rules, “Your mind only remembers what it can’t forget.” This makes sense and is easily proven. For instance, if asked, “What is 1 + 1?” You’ll answer the same way every time and do so rapidly, without consciously thinking. Beyond this neural truth, traumatic memories are challenging because of a second mind rule - “Your mind can’t forget what it doesn’t want to remember.” This explains the adhesiveness of trauma. Your memory of something you don’t want to recall sticks and is not quickly unstuck. Why? Because your mind has evolved to keep you safe and distant from bad things happening. When your mind has been exposed to the dark side of life, it becomes susceptible to detecting similar signs. In this way, your mind is trained to constantly be on the lookout for any sign of danger, threat, or suspicious activity.

The fuel that drives your traumatic memories is fear. Fear itself is your most primal emotion. Your capacity to sense fear allows you to safeguard yourself by taking avoidant and defensive actions. Sadly, when your mind is full of unwanted, easily awakened memories, needing to avoid anything and everything that fear detects may cause you to feel lost, irritable, discouraged, and isolated.

The recovery from trauma requires patience, a nurturing heart, a willingness to surround yourself with trusting people, and a type of bravery that permits you to step back into your life, even though your mind prefers you to stay home and be safe. At the risk of minimizing the challenges inherent in recovering from PTSD, it may be instructive to note that the opposite of fear is desire. Rediscovering aspects of your life you desire and putting intentional energy into experiencing the joy and beauty of possibility after trauma is a crucial step when you’re ready.

The following takeaways for healing are certainly not a complete roadmap for trauma recovery. They are suggestions that may point you in the right direction.

• Act as though you believe in yourself. Then, keep practicing.

• Believe in the best in yourself.

• Remember what you’ve always enjoyed about life.

• Find and surround yourself with kind and trusting people.

• Be patient, very patient, like you’ve never done before.

• Give your emotions plenty of room and remain curious about their message.

• Help the passage of time by gradually stepping back into new experiences.

• Please keep your eyes open and make the world prove itself to be safe.

• Consider finding a trauma-informed therapist to guide your journey.

• When ready, begin to begin again, but only when you’re willing and steady.

For two great sources of additional information about trauma, visit the websites of Dr. Gabor Mate and Dr. van der Kolk; you won’t be disappointed.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Long ago and nearly forgotten, but always remembered.

Special Note: Diagnoses are abstractions or summaries: sometimes helpful, always incomplete. Neurobiology is a continuum; it follows that complex trauma is, too.

Growing up, children deserve to be safe and protected from the worst things possible. The young and impressionable mind is naturally scared of what’s possible - monsters hiding in the closet, ghosts under the bed, or the moonlight shining brightly and casting a shadow on the bedroom wall that looks too much like the meanest and scariest dragon ever.

In this way, fear is the most primal emotion that motivates you to act if you can. When confronted by something that triggers fear, your body is flooded by a rush of chemicals that activate the fight-or-flight instinct. When activated, the only thing that matters is surviving.

When the worst thing possible happens in the child’s home or safe haven, and the child cannot escape and is forced to endure the unimaginable, this is trauma. When the trauma is repeated or prolonged, involves harm by a caregiver or person in a trusting position, and occurs during the vulnerable phases of child development, this is complex psychological trauma.

The impact of such horrendous circumstances disturbs the child’s psychobiological and socio-emotional development. The child loses their sense of safety, they feel profoundly alone, and they know biologically what happened is wrong, but they can’t find the words to understand, let alone share, their worst fear that happened to them.

Complex trauma requires specialized nurturing care to facilitate finding a pathway back to feeling safe, supported, and worthy. Because complex trauma happens during the time the child is fragile and cognitively unsophisticated, their emerging self is compromised. The child struggles with self-definition, self-regulation, and fundamental attachment security.

Too often, the events that created the complex trauma go undetected for years. The child may become quieter than usual and show signs of depression, such as being more withdrawn, less interested in engaging in activities, having increased nightmares or night terrors, showing increased moodiness and lowered energy, and saying they are not interested in eating even their favorite foods.

These signs of the child struggling internally are usually looked at on the surface because no one ever suspects the child is experiencing or has undergone experiences that no person, indeed not a child, should ever be exposed to. The stories of complex trauma, quite sadly, frequently remain hidden and are told only when the child moves into their adult years and, once again, is confronted by something that triggers their sense of feeling unsafe, and they react intensely and disproportionately to the event. In adulthood, the child within finds the courage to speak out about what happened to them. However, sharing and seeing the words is hard, even as an adult. Why? Because trauma is complex.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Trauma is about secrecy.

When the worst things happen to you, it makes perfect sense to keep them to yourself. The hitch is that traumatic memories have their own life and tend to show up without notice or permission. Accordingly, no matter how much you try, like ghosts in the closet, the abrasions to your soul emerge without much warning.

Two specific mind rules come into play when reflecting on how your mind handles memories. The first mind rule explains the wavering nature of memories. Namely, your mind only remembers what it can’t forget. Your best and worst experiences are stored securely, although not always accurately. The simple math problem of 1 + 1 equals 2 exemplifies what you’ve learned and will never forget. The second mind rule reveals the shaping influence of traumatic memories. This rule states your mind can’t forget what it doesn’t want to remember. Stated another way, memories with intense emotional significance are remembered more vividly and easily retrieved.

Life can get scary sometimes, especially when you experience something traumatic, namely an unexpected, unwanted, and undeserved event that causes emotional upheaval and leaves you feeling disoriented. Such extreme distress is difficult for your mind to interpret and manage in real-time. The psychological impact felt is as deep as any possible human encounter, as the experiences send shockwaves to your nervous system and sear dreadfulness into your memory banks.

Combined, these mind rules explain flashbacks.

A sudden, intense, and unwantedly clear recollection of a striking scene in which you were the unsuspecting main character is the experience of having a flashback. Intrusive and distressing are its core features. Whether in your sleep or with your eyes wide open, a flashback is emotion-packed and grabs your attention without your permission.

A flashback can be exceptionally clear, hauntingly fuzzy, or seriously flawed. Either way, this experience grips you and forces you to revisit a time not worth revisiting. Ranging from awful to shocking to harrowing, trauma-informed flashbacks are an essential piece of the post-traumatic stress disorder diagnostic picture.

While revisiting trauma in a therapeutic setting has become empirically supported, no treatment benefits all people. To this end, what must be embraced is that some trauma victims knowingly refuse to face their fears, cannot tolerate structured exposure, or do not benefit from reliving their psychic trauma. In such cases, using a relational approach may be the vehicle by which trauma victims gain emotional understanding and social support while learning how to cope with the unsolvability of trauma.

Trauma is something that happens that never unhappens. Perhaps it was a trick played by the Gods above, like riding a bike or witnessing a horrific accident; some memories gain permanent resident status in our neural infrastructure. When memories have no apparent value, the reflex is to stuff them down, pack them away, or somehow minimize their impact on our day-to-day lives.

Because your mind does what it is designed to do, sometimes you’ll find yourself doing some things over and over even when they don’t make sense, don’t produce great results, and don’t make you happier.

We call such situations mind traps! They occur when your mind controls you rather than you being in control of your mind, and things don’t end well. In other words, you’re “trapped” when your mind's programming overrides your best interests and preferences.

If you find yourself trapped by an unwanted past and remain curious about finding healthy ways to temper its impact on you, finding a trauma-informed therapist would be a significant first step. To prepare you to benefit from your therapeutic journey, consider reading Dr. Zierk’s book Mind Rules: Who’s In Control, You or Your Mind? It might help you begin the process of gaining the upper hand on your trauma.

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“Who am I?” and “Whose am I?”

Being relationally intelligent asks these two fundamental questions.

How you answer these questions reflects your identity and reveals much about your upbringing and relationship history. The first question focuses on your ego, unique sense of self, and how you navigate your inner life. The second question focuses on the other half of the human equation – how you interact with others. “Whose am I?” is about belonging and addresses how you connect with others and how your attachment needs are met.

The diagram below illustrates the Deep Little Secret Model and reflects a common challenge that creates emotional distress and general unhappiness.

Your Deep Little Secret starts with a truth you try to hide from. What is it? The secret we keep from ourselves is the belief that if people knew you, I mean knew all about you, your thoughts, feelings, cravings, hopes, fantasies, and the things you have said and done, they would likely reject you and walk away. Paradoxically, this secret is a lie. Some people will like, love, and accept you just as you are. But your mind tells you this isn't true, and you must hide your "true self." Consequently, the problem becomes one of trying to be something you are not (provisional identity) instead of being who you are (true self) and facing the world genuinely (adaptive identity).

What Makes You Tick?

Your Deep Little Secret, the great lie deep inside you, is tied to your greatest fear of being alone. Your mind protects you from this by distancing you from situations that may make you feel rejected, excluded, and devalued.

Here’s where things get interesting. Because you need other people, you depend upon others to meet a core need you can’t satisfy alone – belonging. That's your greatest need - to be affiliated, to have membership to an exclusive club, to be invited into the inside circle. Some people need more connections than others. Some need many, and some require only a few. A few of us genuinely prefer to be mostly isolated and left alone because of social hardwiring. But whether your relationship needs are high or low or scant, we all want to belong to some extent. The tricky part is that “to belong” involves risks of a highly personal nature. Belonging requires a willingness to be vulnerable. It takes courage to overcome the fear of being exposed and judged harshly and choose to be vulnerable in relationships. But, in the long run, it's worth the risk. But how do you balance being your true self and fitting in alongside others?

Your greatest desire is finding the right fit and delicate balance between belonging in a relationship and being true to yourself. It would be best to express your identity and uniqueness and not conform to the world’s expectations or the culture's ever-changing standards. But being genuine, unique, and standing on your beliefs, values, and standards comes at a cost. Some people may not accept you when you stand up for yourself and make your opinions known. Some may judge harshly, putting you down because of what they don’t understand or accept. It’s not possible for everyone to like you. Thinking so is naïve and exhausting. But there are billions of people on earth and plenty who will like you and accept you as you are – if you give them a chance. The most significant human desire is to be authentic and belong in a close relationship. The phenomenon of being your true self while being accepted by others happens now and again and is known as intimacy. Intimacy is a unique and highly treasured experience of getting to know yourself through a connection with another person.

The final step in navigating your deep little secret and moving toward optimal functioning in a world of struggle and imperfection is feeling unique. That’s the greatest fantasy we covet, but thinking we can’t have it. We crave to be valued and cherished by someone and deeply loved, even temporarily. Again, there is a significant risk in living openly and authentically. But the rewards are worth the effort. Too often, instead of facing our fear and doing the hard work of exploring and discovering who we are and where we belong, some of us jump straight to "fantasy" and get our needs met in shallow and self-indulgent ways. Sadly, doing so usually leads to pain and unhappiness. Think of the lasting impact of pornography, infidelity, and substance abuse. These addictive life choices are all motivated by one thing – to experience relief by “feeling rapidly good.” Unfortunately, this instant euphoria is artificial and depends on escaping the discomfort of reality.

Good news, there is another way.

The Deep Little Secret challenge is whether to hide and fake it, run into a fantasy world of distraction and self-deception, conform to whoever will have a relationship with us since we don't value ourselves, or stand up for who and what you are and find those special people and places where you matter and others matter to you. Since life comes down to the choices and chances you take, ask yourself, “Am I choosing my future, or is my future choosing me?”

Relationship intelligence is a means of working on these issues and inner struggles so you can live a meaningful and rewarding life without fear, regret, or compromise. Are you up for that kind of challenge? 

To underscore the point of taking chances on others, the great 17th-century philosopher Spinoza wrote:

“Nothing can be understood in isolation.”

Spinoza contends that humans possess three sources of knowledge: imagination, intuition, and the exercise of the intellect. When put together, this threefold division constitutes the soul of relationship intelligence.

Remember, your mind is not relational. That is, your mind is not designed to bring people together. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s In control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Take a chance or make a choice.

When all is said and done, life is measured by the risks you dare to take, not the ones you skip over.

Whether you take a chance and stick your neck out a little further than usual or decide to, once and for all, grab the tiger by the tail, you increase the odds of making a memory. When this moment goes well, and someone witnesses it, you feel something amazing…you feel alive!

Think about the joy and fulfillment that comes over you when you cross the finish line of your first half marathon. Interestingly, when someone you know is there to celebrate your accomplishment, your joy turns to exhilaration. Somehow, the sharing of life’s moments makes life more worth living. The upside of working hard and daring yourself to finish bolstered your sense of becoming the person you were always meant to be.

The downside of grabbing the tiger’s tail is known far too well. Something might go wrong, very wrong. Instead of beaming with joy, the risk of taking risks is that you may end up empty-handed or, much worse, broken or brokenhearted.

So, along your life’s journey, what happens in the outside world shapes your inside world. A critical insight is that the flip side is also true. What happens inside of you influences how you deal with the outside world. In this way, the interplay between the two worlds gives rise to your felt sense of security and insecurity.

For instance, if you were routinely successful in academics, taking quizzes and passing tests puts you in a place of confidence. On the other hand, if you fall short on luck when making friends, your confidence in social situations likely provokes a sense of unsteadiness.

Another name for the deeply private experience of feeling insecure is “thin ice.” The sense of being unsteady, uncertain, and maybe a little afraid happens when your insecurity shows up and takes over. The key to this thought process is knowing when your ice is thinning.

As illustrated below, your outside world is filled with ups and downs, while your inside world is filled with twists and turns. Navigating these two worlds is tricky.

When contemplating this model of resilience and tenacity, I was initially stymied as to what “ice” stood for. While my intuition wouldn’t leave it alone, my imagination kept falling short. Stumped, I trusted something would eventually come to me.

Then, the lightbulb of creativity turned on in the middle of the night. That’s when I realized that “ice” represents your “inner connection to everything.” Your ice is thick when this inner connection to everything is steady and strong. But the ice thins when your connection becomes less stable and more uncertain. During moments of “thin ice,” your insecurities take over, and they show up in different forms. Consider what form of insecurity best fits your sense of self: inadequacy, inferiority, insignificance, ineptness, insanity, or some combination.

Recovering from thin-ice moments requires the conscious and deliberate practice of four steps. In specific order, these steps include Awareness, Acknowledgment, Analysis, and the courage to Adapt.

Go to the Relationship Intelligence website to learn more about opportunities to explore how to handle those moments when you are on thin ice.

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Only you see what you see.

The “mental filter” concept was created to help people understand how the mind makes up its mind. Here’s a clue - it’s not random—quite the opposite. The mind knows what it’s doing. Do you know what your mind is doing?

When it comes to how your mind filters events in your life, the pivotal question is, “Who’s in control, you or your mind?”

To learn more about this intriguing question, click the button below to find out more about Dr. Zierk’s new book entitled, you guessed it, “Mind Rules: Who’s In Control: You or Your Mind?”

Curiously, how you perceive what happens or doesn’t happen is based on what has already happened. Your mental filter is comprised of four factors - your genetic gifts, your upbringing, your relationship history, and your imagination.

How these factors interact determines how you “filter” what happens. The bottom line is that your mental filter is based on the hand you were dealt and the luck you had along the way.

The illustration below depicts the raw ingredients of each factor.

As these critical factors merge, your unique perspective of the world is created. While it’s easy to see how your filter comes alive, what’s not easy is knowing when and how you’re “filtering” what’s happening to you in real time.

Illustrated below, combining the factors creates your mental filter.

Now that you know about the mental filter, perhaps you would to explore how your mental filter came to life. By doing so, you’ll discover your deepest truths, which puts you on track to becoming the person you were always meant to be - your True Self.

To learn more about opportunities to explore your deep truth and to find your True Self, go to our Relationship Intelligence website.

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Bounce back, stick to it, and keep pushing forward.

Better known as the core triad, resilience, self-discipline, and tenacity are key to coping with adversity and uncertainty. When practiced, these three adaptive mindsets and capacities help you master self-control and make good decisions despite your surroundings' stress.

Learning to navigate life’s ups and downs, disappointments and discouragements, requires more than tolerating intolerable circumstances. Tolerance makes you vulnerable to becoming a victim. It diminishes your power to be effective, to have agency, and to believe you can control your life rather than your life controlling you. While tolerance is a good start, other ingredients are needed to regain inner balance and motivation to persevere, grasp a sense of purpose, and move forward with aspiration.

Let’s unpack the core triads one by one.

We live in a world of constant change. Beyond the weather, each day, in some way, is different. In addition, your life is full of peaks and valleys. When you face many more valleys than you deserve, perhaps some of your own making, you become prone to experiencing stress, anxiety, and depression. During such hard times, resilience comes in handy.

Resilience - adaptability; pulling yourself up after something has pulled you down.

Resiliency involves two parts, one passive and the other active. Your capacity to withstand, not give up, and stay with the situation without being overwhelmed or bullied is the passive part of resiliency. Put simply, passive resilience means not giving up or giving in to circumstances. The active component of resiliency involves recovery, which means returning to what you define as normal. Returning to “business as usual” is a mindset that reflects your inner sturdiness or character and flexibility. Getting back to your usual self requires the help of those you trust. So, working on your sense of relatedness and seeking comfort from those who predictably support you is critical to bouncing back. Also, it is vital to learn how to listen to your emotions, even when they’re strong, and come out of you with bottle-rocket intensity. Listening requires attention. When you “listen” to your feelings, deeply listen, and listen with compassion and curiosity, they lose some of their strength.

Self-discipline - self-control; doing what needs to be done regardless of your interest.

To be self-disciplined means focusing, staying focused, and remaining on task, regardless of your fondness for what you’re doing. To help you appreciate the importance of this concept, the opposite of self-discipline is impulsivity. When viewed through the lens of developmental psychology, an argument can be made that the primary difference between a healthy adolescent and a healthy adult is that the latter has an improved capability for delaying gratification. By contrast, it is more common for the younger person to be guided and misguided by short-term gratification. After all, it feels much better to do what you want first and maybe get to what you don’t want to do later. Think about what happens in your mind when given the choice of playing a video game or doing your homework, and it’s math. Nearly every time, hands down, the game wins.

Tenacity - perseverance & grit; continuing to do what needs to be done.

Finally, there’s tenacity. This word is a bit more uncommon than its two companions, but it’s an essential piece of the triad that gives you a fighting chance when dealing with life’s difficult times. Think of tenacity as the psychic gasoline inside you that keeps you moving, even when you’re facing an uphill climb. If someone calls you tenacious, thank them because you don’t give up and, even more importantly, never stop trying and giving it your all. Your tenacity keeps you moving toward the finish line despite your monkey brain preferring to swing in a nearby tree or sit down and munch on a bunch of bananas.

To learn more about the triad of resilience, self-discipline, and tenacity and how they complement each other, consider visiting the website of Dr. Sam Goldstein, Ph.D., a gifted speaker and insightful author. His website contains hidden gems and discussions about topics that matter to many.

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Relationships are vital and complex.

Because of the interplay of each other’s pasts, passions, pet peeves, and personalities, staying joyfully connected can be trickier than ever imagined. At first, the deeply felt sensation of chemical romance sweeps us off our feet, and we blindly trust the overpowering emotional sense of bliss. Then, at least eventually, conflict enters the interpersonal space. Little things often add up that eventually become unbearable and cause disconnections to erupt.

When this happens too often, our impulse is to revert to old habits, over-learned defenses, and sharply honed self-protective tactics. This is when we begin thinking such thoughts as “What have I gotten myself into?“ and “Are relationships worth it?”

The ability to “turn conflict into connection” requires understanding three fundamental relationship truths. When acknowledged and practiced, conflict allows the relationship to grow stronger. The primary relationship truths are:

Without connection, communication fails.

Without communication, relationships fail.

Without relationships, personal growth fails.

Think about the dynamic interplay of these fundamental truths. Experienced personal growth requires a willingness and capacity to build and sustain connections. This is why relationship intelligence (r.IQ) was created. Put in a nutshell, relationship intelligence is defined as:

Our ability to learn and understand how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other.

When relationship intelligence fills the interpersonal space, transformations happen. Let me show you what this looks like.

With connection, communication is successful.

With effective communication, relationships succeed.

With flourishing relationships, personal growth succeeds.

From a more personal perspective, relationship intelligence involves our ability to learn and understand the lessons that conflict has been trying to teach us. Learning these life lessons helps us turn in the direction of getting what we need, want, desire, and deserve.

Pressing the button below will take you to the Relationship Intelligence Center website. Once you land, you will discover how to become more relationally intelligent and learn how to “turn conflict into connection.”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?

Intimacy is the prize!

The short answer is that as your Relationship Intelligence increases, life becomes more accessible and more satisfying. That is, as you become more relationally competent - learning how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other - it becomes more common that your life goes according to plan and your needs get met. How satisfying, right?

As you become savvy about how relationships work, your needs are more commonly met, you improve your ability to satisfy the needs of others, and the experience of being connected becomes more intentional than accidental. Being connected is desirable because it is only then that you experience something extraordinary—you feel safe, supported, and validated—quite the trifecta.

Once these three facets of connection are routinely satisfied, the real magic begins, and your relationship moves to a higher level. It becomes the source from which you improve your sense of mastery and resilience, accomplished by thoughtfully practicing insight and empathy.

Intimacy is the prize that Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ) helps you earn!

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