David W. Zierk, PsyD

The ability to turn conflict into connection.

Relationship Intelligence is designed with you in mind. Being relationally intelligent means you know how to turn conflict into a connection and do it naturally.

Sounds amazing, right?

Embracing relationship intelligence is a journey of personal growth. It's about speaking without judgment, listening without defenses, and investing in self-discovery. It's about understanding yourself deeply, being curious about others, and addressing each other’s needs. Doesn't this journey sound inspiring?

The development of Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ) provides the foundation for learning and understanding how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other. By optimizing relational intelligence, your relationships climb to the next level, and your attitude toward conflict shifts dramatically as you learn how to profit from life's most challenging moments, such as when relationship conflict leaves you feeling frustrated, disappointed, and distressed.

Improving your Relationship Intelligence focuses on mastering the interplay of four key mechanisms:

Mutuality - to act genuinely and thoughtfully in ways that benefit everyone.

Relatability - to understand and be understood while feeling connected to others.

Adaptability - to navigate your surroundings by being smart and savvy.

Accountability - to be held to specific standards, compassionately and playfully.

By gaining critical insight into your past, identifying the basic needs of what it means to be human, and learning vital skills that turn conflict into connection, you develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to form and be formed, to respect and be respected, and to love and be loved. Sounds amazing, right?

Being relationally intelligent compels you to know much about your sense of self, the world around you, and how the two interact, especially when things aren’t going your way. You are relationally intelligent when you navigate the world with intentionality, curiosity, and flexibility in that order.

Knowing these three mindsets is pivotal to optimizing relationship intelligence. Given their importance, let me share how each expands opportunities and vitalizes connections.

1. Intentionality means following your instincts while leaving your insecurities behind. Being intentional asks you to examine your habits, ask for feedback, and move forward with connection in mind. An intentional mind steadies your psychological rudder, ensuring it retains integrity as you navigate rough waters.

2. Curiosity is practicing open-mindedness. An open mind puts things in perspective while promoting personal growth and cultural change. In relational psychology, what matters most is curiosity about how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other. Be patient; this is a lifetime quest.

3. Flexibility involves understanding how options open doors. While you may find that behind many doors lies irrelevance, staying persistent with a tenacious mind shifts your focus to opening doors, not finding out what’s behind them. The flexible mindset moves to find a direction, not waiting for direction to move. “Let’s open another door,” says the flexible mindset. In turn, people around you will eagerly jump in and playfully engage.

Conflict is the Problem, Not You

When life goes according to plan, being yourself and pleasant to others comes naturally. But when the waters get rough, what happens inside, deep inside, alters you and your worldview. Because of turbulent dynamics, your conflict personality takes over, causing you to do things you wouldn’t do otherwise.

This truth reflects the power of conflict over your psyche and how you navigate the world. To many of us, handling conflict is like threading a needle with closed eyes. It can be done, but what are the chances?

During the conflict, it’s easy, seemingly by reflex, to shut down or counterattack. This makes sense when you understand your mind is designed to protect you from bad things. When entering turbulent waters, your mind takes over and focuses on one thing, keeping you alive another day. Conflict arouses primal urges, which explain your guilt and remorse for acting out of character. When the waters calm, reflection shines a light on what you do when things don’t go according to plan.

Conflict is easily felt and much harder to explain. This is because what triggers conflict varies from person to person. Notwithstanding, what we all have in common is that conflict shows up when our psychological needs are unheard, unmet, dismissed, or violated. At times, conflict builds slowly, almost imperceptibly. Other times, it erupts fast and without warning. Either way, conflict is distressful and disruptive, causing people to disconnect.

By examining conflict, you will learn much about yourself. So, your conflict personality is worthy of thoughtful examination. You’re not the problem; your shadow self takes over during unexpected moments and deserves compassionate attention. In this way, conflict is the problem, not you!

What motivates you to react without thinking is the swirling mixture of your genetic gifts, upbringing, relationship history, and imagination. Without examining the interplay of these four factors, you’ll remain locked into a cycle of doing what you always do. If this doesn’t bother you, well, never mind, you wouldn’t be reading this blog if this wasn’t a concern.

The way you typically respond to conflict is your “default mode.” Outside of conscious awareness, your built-in psychological defense system takes over during moments of distress and discord. Following the blueprint of evolutionary logic, your mind has evolved for particular and functional purposes; it’s a shame that handling conflict with people is not one of them.

To explore how your mind works with and without your permission, click the “Mind Rules” button below. By clicking, you’ll get an overview of Dr. Zierk’s new book, “Mind Rules: Who’s in Control - You or Your Mind?” This is a must-read if you’re passionate about life’s unsolvable puzzles and learning about things that give you a clear advantage.

Returning to your built-in mode of handling conflict, as you voyage into relationships, you’re well equipped to do one thing well—repeat the past. During conflict, you’ll know your history is being replayed when you reflexively become hyper-rational or excessively emotional. Good news! There’s a third choice. You can be relational during times of tension and turmoil.

While teachable, improving your relational intelligence takes time and effort. Learning to be relational during conflict takes practice and a willingness to ask for feedback as you become increasingly vulnerable. Just to let you know, according to Mind Rules, asking for feedback and being vulnerable are two things your mind prefers that you not do. Read the book and find out why this is true. Chapters eight and twenty-nine provide a shortcut to answering this query.

Philosophy + Language

The Relationship Intelligence Center began years ago when Dr. Zierk noticed how people struggle with feeling misunderstood and mistreated and, too often, not knowing what to do about these unpleasant, disturbing, and deeply felt private experiences.

Relationship intelligence is based on a philosophy of mutuality while adopting a relationally intelligent language. In our fast-paced world, philosophy may seem an outdated word. It’s not. While you may be unable to identify any modern-day philosophical superstars, point of fact, you don’t have to look very far. If you’re slightly puzzled by this statement, please know it’s a coy way of having you look inside to find your inner Aristotle. That’s right, every day, you do what the greatest thinkers throughout history have done: study knowledge, circulate ideas, contemplate reality, and search for meaning. By doing so, you are shaping your inner universe and the world around you.

The time has arrived for you to embrace your inner Aristotle and build a shared philosophy. Identifying, discussing, and formulating agreements around shared truths promotes connection and fosters mutual growth. Investing in the common good creates peace, justice, and equality, which are antidotes to conflict.

Philosophy means “love of wisdom.” And who doesn’t love the idea of becoming wise? The study of philosophy, specifically yours, is the perfect starting point for learning to ignite personal growth and promote cultural change.

Philosophy is a way of thinking. It is the bedrock of your mental universe. It is your philosophy that filters the world inside and all around you. When you examine your philosophy, you are analyzing your learning history. Combining the hand you were dealt and the luck you had along the way taught you fundamental truths about yourself, the world around you, and how you navigate the interaction between them.

I want you to know that understanding how to share your philosophy so others receive your message makes a connection. When philosophies are shared rather than fought over, the expression “Two heads are better than one” becomes reality. When philosophies combine rather than collide, new perspectives emerge, and fresh ways of thinking are created. Sounds amazing, right?

Language is how you communicate with others. It’s how you talk. Some people are brief and to the point with their words. They operate from the “less is more” approach to life. That’s okay unless others deserve to hear more. Sliding to the other side of the spectrum, some people are spontaneous, chatty, and animated when they talk. Such people are driven by a strong desire to be heard and use words, lots of them, to connect. Either way, it's okay unless others prefer you get to your point.

Whether you are businesslike or need to be liked, adopting a language that is respectfully shared by others helps to make the world go round and improves the odds of everyone’s dreams coming true. If the dream is to be treated with love and respect, then learning to talk with others relationally is key to self-revision and stronger connections. Sounds amazing, right?

Dr. Zierk’s experience taught him that everyone needs, wants, desires, and deserves the same thing - connection. But not just any connection will do. What is most desired is the type of connection that satisfies the needs you can’t meet yourself, including your need for attention, affection, acknowledgment, approval, and applause. This helps explain why relationships are vital, compelling, and challenging.

The question that explains much of human suffering is, “How do you get your needs met when you don’t know what you need, but you know something is missing or not right?” In this way, the experience of being disconnected is a foremost concern of people. Being disconnected from your life partner, children, siblings, extended family, and friends, perhaps your sense of self, explains the existence of hardship and adversity.

The development of Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ) provides the foundation upon which every person can learn and understand how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other. By becoming more relationally intelligent, your relationships climb to a higher level, and your attitude toward conflict shifts dramatically as you learn how to profit from life’s most challenging moments - relationship disappointment, distress, disconnection, and disaster.

By gaining critical insight into your past, identifying the essential elements of what it means to be your true self, and learning vital skills that turn conflict into connection, you develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to love and respect and be loved and respected. Sounds amazing, right?

Learn more about Relationship Intelligence by visiting our website at:

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?