David W. Zierk, PsyD

Attachment is what you learned when you weren’t aware you were being taught.

Throughout your upbringing and relationship history, what you know that happened and everything else that did happen compiles to form your most important life lessons. These lessons are stored in biographical folders, some dustier than others, and instinctively referenced, especially during times of struggle.

Attachment is the felt connection between you and the people you are closest to. If the hand you were dealt during your earliest years was favorable and the primary nurturing figures in your life were present and responsive, you experienced attunement. Lucky for you, the emotional space between you and a trusted caregiver, typically your mother and father, was warm and secure. Because of this track record of stability and security, you learned how to trust when your brain couldn’t lay down permanent memories but still stored them so you’d never forget. These life experiences led to you feeling secure deep inside. Outside of immediate awareness, this precious gift you were given pays dividends throughout the rest of your life.

When the hand you were dealt was unsteady and inconsistent at best, you developed insecurity. For those of us whose early days and childhood experiences were bumpy and filled with uneven connections and mixed messages, the fluctuations with whom we could trust and be vulnerable became the unstable foundation of selfhood. Some of us lean in the direction of our anxieties. Never fully trusting what might happen next, we worry that anything will start something. And no matter what we do, nothing changes. Another version of insecurity includes those of us who fear upsetting others. Afraid about the next conflict, outwardly quiet, reserved, and detached, we master the art of observation while never being shown how to engage confidently. Our shaky connections instruct us that it’s better to avoid than confront. This explains why avoidance has become our trusted ally.

Next, let’s explore the attachment years to understand how attachment emerges. First, your earliest attachment years were times you will never remember but can never forget. Infancy is the time of ultimate vulnerability and dependence. How you were treated up to your first birthday was recorded at a cellular level, deeply present and forever absent.

Then, as you entered your toddler years, you gained freedom and began exploring your surroundings. Were you given ample opportunities to adventure into the new world? Did toys, books, and puzzles surround you? Were you given space to tinker, dabble, and doodle? Was freedom vast and adventure your best friend?

Did your relationships grow during the school years? Did you flourish alongside friends? Was the feeling of “fitting in” always with you? Or were you overlooked or bullied? Did you never fit in and feel like you stood out, not in a good way? Did such difficult times cause you to think of yourself as different and, again, not in a good way?

Were you supported and promoted during your teen years to do your best regardless of the outcome? Was having fun championed over winning at all costs? Did friends look forward to you arriving, or were you barely noticed? Was living up to your potential stressed, or were you encouraged to realize the potential around you?

As you moved into adulthood, did some of the shadows from your upbringing and relationship history continue to haunt you? Or, did you escape the life traps of your developmental years and prosper from the people around you? Did other people make you feel special? Did they remind you that you belong, which permitted you to stand out in good ways?

In your present-day life, did you get brave and learn to put your past back in its place so you could have the future you need, want, desire, and deserve? Which is more true: Do you control your future, or does your future control you?

Who you become is closely related to who you have known and whether you get to know your true self or just a version. In this way, the question is less about “Who am I?” The better question, the one with real potential, is, “Whose am I?”

Take the following Attachment History Quiz for a peek into the hand you were dealt and the luck you had along the way. Answer each question by being more honest than right.

Mostly True - score 4; Somewhat True, score 3; Somewhat False, score 2; and Mostly False, score 1.

1. My earliest memories are those of feeling safe and supported. Those who raised me were generally healthy and attentive to my needs.

2. In my first few years of life, I was held and touched, my cries were heard, and my needs were met.

3. As a busy toddler learning about the world, my stumbles and frustrations were addressed with patience and caring. When I fell, someone was there to pick me up. When I cried, someone kept me company. When I did something unique, someone celebrated alongside me.

4. In my early school years, someone showed great interest, nurtured my growth, promoted my efforts, and taught me the power of contributing.

5. I felt valued and validated during the ups and downs of adolescence. I was given the opportunity for more independence while still having the supportive safety nest to catch me when I fell.

6. My early relationships taught me that other people would understand me, that my needs matter, and that it is safe to rely on others to meet them.

Scoring

Add your scores for all six questions to find your Personal Attachment History total. Use this total score to find out which category you may belong to.

Interpretation

Scores between 19 and 24 suggest you had a solid upbringing, which provided great opportunities to learn how to balance your needs with those of others. You were lucky. While you will still experience insecurity as an adult, you can likely keep things in perspective and refrain from spinning out of control.

Scores between 13 and 18 indicate when emotional connections were not strengthened as much as they might have been. Because of these teetering experiences, you may have developed difficulties in the broad areas of trust, dependence, and vulnerability.

Scores between 9 and 12 suggest that your needs and desires were often ignored or bypassed. It’s likely your childhood was filled with unpredictability and degrees of loss. Perhaps you were the forgotten child or needed to work extra hard to get the attention and affection you deserved. Either way, you are probably quite accomplished at sacrificing your needs and have become exceptional at attending to the needs of others.

Scores between 4 and 8 suggest you likely experienced more absence than the presence of nurturing attachment figures while growing up. Because of these experiences, you will likely develop survival skills rather than living skills. Such experiences set the stage for relationships to be more dissatisfying, discouraging, and disappointing than they should be. Your attachment experiences likely left you incredibly in touch with your insecurities and deeply felt a sense of defectiveness. You may struggle with trust, truth, commitment, and intimacy issues.

If you want to learn more about your attachment history and how these life lessons shaped your sense of self and worldview, contact the Relationship Intelligence Center.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?