Deep Little Secret
“Who am I?” and “Whose am I?”
Being relationally intelligent asks these two fundamental questions.
How you answer these questions reflects your identity and reveals much about your upbringing and relationship history. The first question focuses on your ego, unique sense of self, and how you navigate your inner life. The second question focuses on the other half of the human equation – how you interact with others. “Whose am I?” is about belonging and addresses how you connect with others and how your attachment needs are met.
The diagram below illustrates the Deep Little Secret Model and reflects a common challenge that creates emotional distress and general unhappiness.
Your Deep Little Secret starts with a truth you try to hide from. What is it? The secret we keep from ourselves is the belief that if people knew you, I mean knew all about you, your thoughts, feelings, cravings, hopes, fantasies, and the things you have said and done, they would likely reject you and walk away. Paradoxically, this secret is a lie. Some people will like, love, and accept you just as you are. But your mind tells you this isn't true, and you must hide your "true self." Consequently, the problem becomes one of trying to be something you are not (provisional identity) instead of being who you are (true self) and facing the world genuinely (adaptive identity).
What Makes You Tick?
Your Deep Little Secret, the great lie deep inside you, is tied to your greatest fear of being alone. Your mind protects you from this by distancing you from situations that may make you feel rejected, excluded, and devalued.
Here’s where things get interesting. Because you need other people, you depend upon others to meet a core need you can’t satisfy alone – belonging. That's your greatest need - to be affiliated, to have membership to an exclusive club, to be invited into the inside circle. Some people need more connections than others. Some need many, and some require only a few. A few of us genuinely prefer to be mostly isolated and left alone because of social hardwiring. But whether your relationship needs are high or low or scant, we all want to belong to some extent. The tricky part is that “to belong” involves risks of a highly personal nature. Belonging requires a willingness to be vulnerable. It takes courage to overcome the fear of being exposed and judged harshly and choose to be vulnerable in relationships. But, in the long run, it's worth the risk. But how do you balance being your true self and fitting in alongside others?
Your greatest desire is finding the right fit and delicate balance between belonging in a relationship and being true to yourself. It would be best to express your identity and uniqueness and not conform to the world’s expectations or the culture's ever-changing standards. But being genuine, unique, and standing on your beliefs, values, and standards comes at a cost. Some people may not accept you when you stand up for yourself and make your opinions known. Some may judge harshly, putting you down because of what they don’t understand or accept. It’s not possible for everyone to like you. Thinking so is naïve and exhausting. But there are billions of people on earth and plenty who will like you and accept you as you are – if you give them a chance. The most significant human desire is to be authentic and belong in a close relationship. The phenomenon of being your true self while being accepted by others happens now and again and is known as intimacy. Intimacy is a unique and highly treasured experience of getting to know yourself through a connection with another person.
The final step in navigating your deep little secret and moving toward optimal functioning in a world of struggle and imperfection is feeling unique. That’s the greatest fantasy we covet, but thinking we can’t have it. We crave to be valued and cherished by someone and deeply loved, even temporarily. Again, there is a significant risk in living openly and authentically. But the rewards are worth the effort. Too often, instead of facing our fear and doing the hard work of exploring and discovering who we are and where we belong, some of us jump straight to "fantasy" and get our needs met in shallow and self-indulgent ways. Sadly, doing so usually leads to pain and unhappiness. Think of the lasting impact of pornography, infidelity, and substance abuse. These addictive life choices are all motivated by one thing – to experience relief by “feeling rapidly good.” Unfortunately, this instant euphoria is artificial and depends on escaping the discomfort of reality.
Good news, there is another way.
The Deep Little Secret challenge is whether to hide and fake it, run into a fantasy world of distraction and self-deception, conform to whoever will have a relationship with us since we don't value ourselves, or stand up for who and what you are and find those special people and places where you matter and others matter to you. Since life comes down to the choices and chances you take, ask yourself, “Am I choosing my future, or is my future choosing me?”
Relationship intelligence is a means of working on these issues and inner struggles so you can live a meaningful and rewarding life without fear, regret, or compromise. Are you up for that kind of challenge?
To underscore the point of taking chances on others, the great 17th-century philosopher Spinoza wrote:
“Nothing can be understood in isolation.”
Spinoza contends that humans possess three sources of knowledge: imagination, intuition, and the exercise of the intellect. When put together, this threefold division constitutes the soul of relationship intelligence.
Remember, your mind is not relational. That is, your mind is not designed to bring people together. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s In control – you or your mind?”
Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?