David W. Zierk, PsyD

Conflict reveals unmet needs.

An essential key to changing your mind about conflict, to move from something you avoid or despise to something you look forward to, begins with asking a simple question.

How do you feel about conflict? You can use the diagram below to find your answer.

Believe it or not, plenty of people are on both ends of the spectrum.

How does anyone enjoy conflict? It starts with understanding that conflict is both biographical and biological. The ups and downs you experience daily happen without asking for permission or giving you a heads-up. Typically, conflict happens out of nowhere and when you least expect it. Conflict knocks us off balance.

For people who love conflict, it’s really about their biology. When the drama of conflict ensues, a cascade of neurological events happens. Adrenaline surges, cortisol gets released, intense emotions show up, and the energy it brings becomes addictive. Conflict addicts enjoy creating chaos and having no clear boundaries; they gain a reputation for being hot-tempered, irrational, and highly selfish.

Then, there are those on the end of the spectrum–the conflict avoiders.

Please take a look at the following story.

Laurie seriously enjoys her job. Her technical skills are world-class. She gets her work done promptly and often has time on her hands. The quality of her work is unsurprisingly exceptional. She is detail-oriented, hyperfocused, and detects problems a mile away, well before many and more frequently than most. Affirming her talents, her latest performance evaluation stated she is innovative, independent, determined, diligent, resourceful, quick-minded, organized, and a focused critical thinker. Laurie considers herself to be a corporate asset.

Here’s where things get sticky. Laurie hates conflict. She grew up in a family saturated with routine squabbles that often became fisticuffs. During moments of family drama, Laurie learned to keep her down, look busy, and act “as if” nothing strange was happening. In truth, fighting in Laurie’s family wasn’t “strange.” What was strange was that her parent’s conflicts were never resolved. Developing keen and penetrating observational skills, Laurie detected the same theme of conflict repeating itself. Becoming well-versed in detecting patterns, she repeatedly asked herself, “How could she see their conflict cycle so readily while her parents pressed replay?”

Laurie honed her coping skills so well that, as an adult in a corporate environment, she reflexively lowers her head, keeps her eye on the prize, and acts like nothing strange happens when conflict occurs around her. To others, Laurie’s hyperfixation is rude. Her penchant for remaining focused on the task at hand leads to her having one-sided conversations, making others think Laurie is robotic. She has gained the reputation of being “all-business,” which makes her insensitive and unempathetic to others. Her last performance evaluation, beyond the accolades, also mentioned that she needs to work on teamwork, collaborative problem-solving, and being more open and engaging. Reading between the lines, this feedback tells Laurie to learn how to read the room, the person, and their minds. Laurie considers herself to be a problem without a solution.

To Laurie, this feedback is like hearing a foreign language. Despite graduating at the top of her class and typically being the smartest person in the room, she’s heard similar comments about her interpersonal style throughout her academic career. Such experiences reinforced Laurie's ability to avoid conflict by staying so busy that she has no time for shenanigans. This is a great idea, but it's too bad it doesn’t pay dividends.

Conflict is reimagined when it is understood that underneath every conflict is an unmet need. As stated differently, while conflict may seem unnecessary, irrational, or an overreaction, in truth, conflict occurs because of a private state of deprivation. What’s missing or in short supply comes down to five critical desires: attention, affection, acknowledgment, approval, and applause. More than anything else, people hunger for these needs and cannot provide for themselves.

Gaining critical insight into identifying the basic needs of being human and learning essential skills that turn conflict into connection will help you develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to love and be loved. If reimagining conflict sounds good, you should consider learning more by visiting the Relationship Intelligence Center website.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?