David W. Zierk, PsyD

Fish swim, birds fly, and humans connect.

The experience of being genuine and vulnerable around another person and they respond lovingly and respectfully is prizeworthy.

Nothing quite compares with being embraced by a person when you need to be held. Nothing is better when you don’t feel safe, and someone protects you. When you feel alone, and someone joins you, life becomes worth living. Also, a special connection is made when you doubt yourself, and someone validates you, and you believe them. Not only do you feel closer to this person, but your connection with yourself strengthens, if only momentarily.

So, the ultimate prize for becoming relationally intelligent is intimacy, that amazing private experience of being your true self as you are truly admired by someone else. Intimacy is a special type of validation that occurs when your deep feelings and belief in yourself are affirmed by someone who matters. In this way, intimacy quells self-doubt and strengthens self-confidence and self-conviction by boosting a sense of belonging while feeling safe and sound.

While intimacy is worth pursuing, there are downsides. Times when you choose to be vulnerable and hope “to be known” involve risk. And risking for the sake of connection may not seem a safe enough gamble.

When your upbringing was soaked in emotional dishonesty, lack of trust, and inconsistent nurturing, to your mind, becoming robustly self-sufficient becomes a survival skill and key to remaining out of harm’s way. The cruel twist in this strategy that accentuates invulnerability is that it removes you from opportunities to be vulnerable, which is essential to experiencing intimacy. The phrase “better safe than sorry” becomes your heartfelt slogan. The downside is that a life without vulnerability is filled with yearlong solitude, reserve, and anonymity.

Yes, you’re safe, but what’s the cost?

Nobody in their right mind looks forward to conflict. Embracing this essential truth explains why most people avoid conflict at all costs. During tense interactions, the interpersonal space becomes filled with heavy gravity, intense vacuum, ionizing solar ultraviolet radiation, and extreme temperatures—that’s how it feels.

It’s no wonder most people walk away, downplay, disregard, turn the other cheek, placate, offer empty apologies, or run for the hills when conflict arises. Avoiding conflict becomes a habit that becomes a compulsion that evolves into an addiction. Yes, people become avoidance junkies. When conflict shows up, even if it’s just a hint of disagreement, avoiders do whatever is needed to defuse the situation, even when doing so, only increases the odds of more conflict occurring down the road.

By contrast, some people act on their aggressive defensiveness by counterattacking, often being seen by others as blowing an emotional fuse, blurting out hostile comments, or becoming unusually mean and controlling. While ineffective and making things worse, doing so feels right. In actuality, such people rapidly anger and turn toward aggression because they don’t know what else to do. Welcome to their learning history. Somewhere long ago, such people were taught that “put up your dukes” is a reasonable option when things go sideways.

Whether you fight, flee, or freeze during times of conflict, your unmet needs fuel the experience of emotional distress and psychological turmoil. Initially, you may become disoriented and deskilled. One client said it perfectly when she shared, “When the fighting starts between me and my husband, I just feel numb and dumb.”

With eyes wide open, you’ll notice the experience of disconnection conveys that you have entered a state of conflict. What makes such moments so challenging is how you handle conflict, which is shaped by the life lessons you learned when you weren’t aware you were being taught. By examining these life lessons, identifying your needs, and developing savvy interpersonal skills, you’ll gain relational mastery and become better prepared to regain balance and increase your life satisfaction. Doing so will teach you how to “turn conflict into connection.”

When this happens, intimacy shows up. You will feel closer to the other person and yourself. This is the ultimate prize!

Learning the lessons conflict has been trying to teach you is precisely what Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ) is all about!

To learn more about Relationship Intelligence, visit our website.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?