David W. Zierk, PsyD

Find your true self and act on it.

Hands down, the self is our most valuable possession. So why do we mistreat it so often? How is it possible that humans can override their survival instincts?

Our identity is near and dear to our hearts. It’s the one crisis we least expect and know how to navigate. We invest heavily in our image and famously pay an immense ransom to maintain a youthful appearance. Our reputation is priceless, and when damaged, the costs are incalculable. Our “self“ is, at once, ever-present and nowhere to be found. We hold tightly to the person we want to be while the person we really are slips through our fingers.

The legendary Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, whose personal vision brought together the body, mind, and soul, famously causing him to part ways with Sigmund Freud, provides the following quote that eloquently reveals the sense of Valuable Selfhood.

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

Threaded by the fits and starts of childhood and adulthood, “selfhood” gathers our attention with unbridled interest. Who we become is left to our imagination and boldness of choice. The construction of selfhood by forming and being formed casts its shadow on who we are and tend to be. As if joined by a rope, the unending tension between being and doing is tugged and heaved, forming and shaping what’s mysteriously called the “self.”

What’s more valuable than self? How did you come to be? And how much sway do you have over what happens next? Are you in contact with your true self? If you believe such ponderings are worth some of your time, let’s go soul-searching.

Soul Searching

The first compelling step in embarking on the journey of self-discovery is to pause for self-reflection. How satisfied are you with your life? Do you surround yourself with supportive people? You know, the kind of people who bring you up much more than let you down. Do you spend more time climbing the social ladder than walking the path of life? Are you placing your needs first or overly focused on others? Do descriptors like “people pleaser” and caretaker” fit? Do you wait for the approval of others to act?

Let’s keep going. How often do you get to be vulnerable? Is your best friend real or imagined? Do you spend most of your time trying to get ahead so you don’t fall behind? Do you invest in relationships with people who have little time or interest? Do you spend more time reliving moments better forgotten or those you never want to forget? Do the people in your past who no longer mean anything to you stay in your thoughts unwillingly and confusingly?

Just a few more. Do you still experience separation anxiety, finding it difficult to be alone? Can you genuinely say that you love yourself, or do other thoughts distract you from embracing your authenticity? Do you betray yourself by spending too much time judging rather than learning? How much have you really grown up?

Your answers reflect your journey of being and becoming, of forming and being formed. They resolve or bewilder the unending tension between intimacy and independence. Where you fit in and how you stand out are endlessly bound. It’s your choice, fortunately, to determine how they get woven together.

It’s Just You, But We Need Others

Your sense of self starts with a connection. You come into this world joined to another. With a sprinkle of good luck, your earliest memories are those of feeling safe and supported. With fingers crossed, it’s hoped those who raised you were generally healthy and attentive to your needs. It’s further hoped you are held and touched, your cries heard, and your needs met in your early years of life.

As a busy toddler learning about the world, were your stumbles and frustrations responded to with patience and caring? When you fell down, was someone there to pick you up? When you cried, did someone keep you company? When you did something amazing, did someone celebrate alongside you?

Did someone show great interest in you in your early school years, nurture your growth, promote your efforts, and teach you the power of contributing? Did you feel valued and validated during the ups and downs of adolescence? Were you given the opportunity for more independence while still having the supportive safety net to catch you when you stumbled?

Did your early relationships teach you that other people will understand you, that your needs matter, and that it is safe to rely on others to meet them?

Your upbringing and relationship history reflect the hand you were dealt and the luck you had along the way. Tethered tightly together, they may seem unassailable. It may appear you’re up against uneven odds, forever at the mercy of your past and its messaging. If this is your thinking, then please know that you’re approximately correct and absolutely wrong. The life ahead of you is not predetermined. You have free will to make choices and take chances that don’t mimic your past. Putting your agency into motion and ascending to the stars, however, does require partnership.

The life lesson from this quick trip down memory lane is we need each other.

True Self

The concept of “true self” was discovered to you understand the importance of keeping your eye on the right ball. Too often, in everyday life, you either become the person the other person wants you to be (provisional self) or spend considerable time and energy defending yourself (protective self) from attacks against the version of who your behaviors reflect you have become.

Your true self strengthens when your sense of competency, desire for connection, and allegiance to autonomy or self-direction come together. Your true self is a commitment to becoming the person you were always meant to be. Think of the type of person you most admire or respect. The image that appears becomes the template for your true self. Next, think of the legacy values attached to this image. These values become the stepping stones for moving toward becoming your true self. Some of your top values might include fairness, honesty, integrity, courage, restraint, kindness, compassion, gratitude, and respect. What values come to your mind?

True Needs

The main purpose of relationships is to meet your needs, the ones you can’t meet yourself. Essentially, you want to be loved and respected within the ebb and flow of relationships. While both are vastly important for developing and maintaining healthy and mutually beneficial relationships, your true needs lie underneath these two vital concepts.

Attention, Affection, Acknowledgement, Approval, Applause

When it comes to true needs, remember they represent different paths to the same destination. These true needs reflect what you crave the most from other people - validation - the experience of being understood and treated as though you matter. By the way, the only time you need to be reminded that you matter is when you don’t think you do.

Summing Up and Moving On

Learning the art of Valuable Selfhood is achieved by finding your true self, identifying your true needs, and acting on them. Keeping the connection between who you are and who you are meant to be at the highest level will keep you on track from regressing and falling into the trap of being the person you think others need you to be. That’s right—you have choices, one of which is to discover your true self and act on it!

Below, the concept of Valuable Selfhood is fashioned as a blueprint to help you optimize your sense of self by learning how to connect with your true self. The diagram highlights the process of Valuable Selfhood by identifying important and intersecting aspects of this lifelong and life-changing journey.

Remember, your mind expands by learning. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?