Navigating Conflict
Conflict is ubiquitous.
Every person, sooner or later, and typically far too often, experiences conflict.
Before examining the process of artfully navigating conflict, it’s vital to understand a fundamental truth about conflict–underneath every conflict is an unmet need. That’s right. Every single and solitary moment of conflict is due to a need being ignored, dismissed, discouraged, or trampled.
Please feel free to check it out yourself.
Think back to a time of conflict. I’m sure you won’t have to go back too far. It could be trivial, like starting your car and seeing the low fuel indicator shining brightly. It might be more significant; perhaps your child is lolly-gaggling in the morning, and you have “no time or patience” left because your calendar is full and you didn’t sleep well. Or, it might be more concerning. Consider the scenario of your life partner starting to do things without informing you. While he’s always been a tad bit too independent and somewhat of a loner, lately, he’s taken his autonomy to a new level by being mysterious and aloof. You’ve asked him again and again, “What’s wrong?” His reply of “Nothing, I’m good” is not only dissatisfying, but you know in your gut that it isn’t close to the truth.
One thing all the examples have in common is an unmet need. When you plopped down in your car, you needed enough gas to get to and from work. When your child played possum and made her disinterest in school evident, you needed her to be more disciplined, obedient, and considerate. In the case of your remote husband, you would need him to put his cards on the table. Good or bad or bizarre, you deserve to know his truth and where you stand in the marriage.
Deviating from my usual narrative style, let’s try something new. Below, I will describe fundamental truths about conflict in bullet point form. I hope this is useful.
Conflict is something people usually avoid, minimize, or deliberately ignore.
No one in their right mind says, “I look forward to conflict; bring it on!”
Since conflict involves unrehearsed situations, the mind returns to doing what it always does when it doesn’t know what to do—protecting and defending itself.
In conflict, the mind moves to the edges of certainty and closes. Instead of remaining open-minded, conflict pushes people toward the extremes of being convinced or confused. People perceive and process situations based on what they believe to be true. Most likely, it’s only valid for them, not for all. In addition, when curiosity is lost in the moment, this symbolizes a closed mind that is not open to accepting new information.
People struggle to resolve conflict naturally. Instead, conflict recycles, ebbing and flowing between extremes. At one end, silent and barely tolerable, conflict persists in the background. On the other end, combustive and rupturing, destructive conflict erupts now and again.
Conflict resolution is popularly taught and readily consumed.
The general school of thought about conflict resolution involves orchestrating civility, providing space for one person to express, in a civil tone, their perspective without interruption, with the second person, upon invitation or proper timing, following suit.
Back and forth, sometimes with hard evidence, more typically with feverishly preferred and emotionally ladened versions of handpicked truth, opinions are swapped, but only rarely accepted, even rarer, embraced.
People feel stuck in conflict. This gridlock is due to moral absoluteness, a sense that universal rules of conduct exist. Since the mind ranks truth, placing what’s most believed at the top, the tendency is to grab hold of a cherished belief with a firm, unclenching grip. This gripping creates an impasse and reinforces gridlock.
The hold that one’s thoughts have on a person is only surpassed by the ease with which the thoughts of others are dismissed without notice.
When an impasse persists, strategically, an outsider is brought in to mediate the dialogic exchange. Civility is ramped up by the agreement of ground rules and witnessed compliance. Deals may be accorded, but conflict is never resolved; it is merely put in place.
This approach sounds sensible, practical, and well-mannered. But does it ever produce lasting results? Or do people merely agree to disagree? Is conflict resolved or merely tempered by negotiation?
What if conflict resolution is not possible? What if attempting to resolve conflict is nothing more than a pipedream, and trying to do so only makes things appear better? In such cases, conflict is not resolved but contained, compartmentalized, and put in a box.
If accurately presumed, then another way of thinking about conflict is needed. The time for a paradigm shift concerning conflict has arrived.
Instead of viewing conflict as something to be resolved, it is far more productive to understand conflict as something to be navigated.
Navigating conflict is based on the guiding principle that you should change your focus to meet your needs by learning the lesson that conflict is trying to teach.
When the psychology of conflict is examined, an essential and decisive truth is revealed—underneath every conflict is an unmet need.
Shifting your perspective can transform your understanding of conflict, paving the way for more effective conflict resolution.
Conflict is an opportunity for learning and relational growth.
Conflict is emotional, not logical.
Conflict is a time to model self-control, not to solve a problem or teach a lesson.
Conflict is attempting to teach a lesson.
Extending the paradigm, conflict is better viewed as a symptom of an unsolvable problem. Because it is unsolvable, a problem-solving mindset needs to be retired and replaced by a relational mindset. The time has come to increase your relationship intelligence.
Navigating conflict incorporates the interplay of three mindsets, each individually compelling but life-enhancing when combined.
Intentionality
Curiosity
Flexibility
Once these mindsets have been learned and well-practiced, the focus shifts to learning life skills to navigate conflict better. These skills include:
1. Standing up for yourself without putting others down.
2. Dealing with the situation without making it worse.
3. Being aware of how your behavior is impacting others.
4. Knowing when you’ve crossed “the line” and been disrespectful.
5. Analyzing behavior across time and finding trends that reveal habits that help and hurt.
6. Knowing your good, bad, and ugly habits.
7. Being curious about the other person’s reality.
8. Connecting before communicating.
9. Since people grow slowly, nudging, not shoving.
10. Developing the skill of giving feedback without judgment.
11. Learning how to listen without your defenses taking over.
12. Being present. When in doubt, being present is calming.
Between the Lines
Navigating conflict involves learning how to read between the lines. This consists of listening for the message as you overlook the spoken words. Instead of getting caught up in emotions, look for the opportunity to be relational. Keep in mind that communication works when people connect first. When you find yourself being overly rational and explanatory, which is experienced by others as defensiveness, consider getting off your high horse and contemplate how to connect so communication flows more naturally. Changes are nobody wants to be in conflict. That is why the magical phrase, “Underneath all conflict are unmet needs,” facilitates your ability to turn conflict into connection.
Summing up and moving on, by gaining critical insight into your past, identifying the basic needs of what it means to be human, and learning essential skills that turn conflict into connection, you’ll develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to love and respect and be loved and respected.
Remember, your mind is not relational. It is not designed to bring people together. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control—you or your mind?”
Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?
Standing up for yourself without putting others down.
Dealing with the situation without making it more prominent.
Being aware of how your behavior is impacting others.
Knowing when you’ve crossed “the line.”
Analyzing behavior across time and finding trends that reveal habits that help and hurt.
Knowing your good, bad, and ugly habits.
Being curious about the other person’s reality.
Connecting before communicating.
Since people grow slowly, nudge, don’t shove.
Learning how to give feedback without judgment.
Learning how to listen without your defenses taking over.
When in doubt, be present.
Between the Lines
Navigating conflict involves learning how to read between the lines. This consists of listening for the message as you overlook the spoken words. Instead of getting caught up in emotions, look for the opportunity to be relational. Keep in mind that communication works when people connect first. When you find yourself being overly rational and explanatory, which is experienced by others as defensiveness, consider getting off your high horse and contemplate how to connect so communication flows more naturally. Changes are nobody wants to be in conflict. That is why the magical phrase, “Underneath all conflict are unmet needs,” facilitates your ability to turn conflict into connection.
Summing up and moving on, by gaining critical insight into your past, identifying the basic needs of what it means to be human, and learning essential skills that turn conflict into connection, you’ll develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to love and respect and be loved and respected.
Remember, your mind is not relational. It is not designed to bring people together. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control—you or your mind?”
Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?