David W. Zierk, PsyD

What makes life worth living?

The short answer to this intriguing question is that a satisfying life is about meeting your needs.

Yet, there must be more to life than simply quenching our eagerness for thirst, hunger, and shelter. Here’s the good news. Beyond your basic needs, there are those things you want, desire, and deserve. Combined, these four factors reflect the essence and quality of your lived experience. When regularly satisfied, life is good—at times, very good.

By contrast, you know you’re not getting out of life what you need, want, desire, and deserve (N+W+D+D) when you notice something missing. For example, think about a woman who’s been married for ten years. Her name is Michelle, and her partner is Jack. While Jack excels at providing and protecting, she’s realized something important. After considerable reflection and consternation, what’s become apparent is that “something is missing.” What that something is remains a mystery to her. Michelle can’t quite find the words to match her private experience of emptiness. But she’s taken the first step in realizing her life is incomplete.

This private experience is called deprivation. Like famine and starvation, the lack of satiation of vital psychological necessities creates despair and emotional upheaval. Relational deprivation causes a person to retreat into aloneness. We become distant from our emotional truth when left alone for too long. Consequently, it’s vital to attune yourself to what you need, want, desire, and deserve.

While these N+W+D+D factors are closely interconnected, they also stand by themselves and deserve explicit time and attention. Let me distinguish them for you.

Need

When contemplating the intrinsic concept of “need,” what first comes to mind is a primal sense of safety and security. Feeling safe and secure is an essential state that serves as a foundation for trust to develop. When something is “needed,” it’s necessary, something you can’t live without; it’s not optional. Without having what you need, you are vulnerable to being harmed.

You’ll know your needs aren’t being met when you feel needy or desperate. In the physical world, you need oxygen. This is not debatable. In the psychological world, the equivalence to air is safety, and, again, no debate is necessary. By contrast, while it may seem you “need” attention or affection, it’s what you prefer or desire. Confusing what you need from what you want can contribute to you making unwise and impulsive decisions. Such as, “I need a drink right now!”

Want

Wanting something feels different from what you need. Wanting something is moving in the direction of your preferences. To put “wanting” into perspective, consider such thoughts as: “I want a good steak tonight,” “I want tickets to the symphony,” or “I want the phone that Apple just dropped.” These are great things to acquire, but I trust you can live without them.

When people prioritize their wants over their needs, they display entitlement or uncontrolled indulgence. For instance, buying a new outfit instead of paying your mortgage doesn’t seem wise. Of course, the new outfit fits perfectly and looks great, but at what cost? To regain balance, it’s helpful to consider the following therapeutic phase, “Behavior doesn’t lie, people do!”

When your Amazon packages are delivered daily, and your partner expresses concern about you draining the bank account, it’s time to examine and reflect on your behavior. If you don’t have a best friend to help you process this internal dilemma, consider finding a world-class therapist who can help you decipher your motivations and get back in control of your spending rather than your spending controlling you.

Desire

At first, separating what you want from what you desire may seem hard to distinguish. To help make the critical distinction, think of “desire” as something deep inside you. For instance, while you may “want” to start dating, once you meet someone who seems perfect for you, you will “desire” spending time with them, laughing together, creating inside jokes, and discovering what you have in common and how your differences might positively reshape both of you.

Desiring something is discerned by asking, “If your wish came true, what would happen next?” Think of a middle school girl, Olivia, who’s having a birthday. When her family assembles, and the gifts are unwrapped, she gets to blow out the candles on her special day cake. As she prepares to extinguish the flames, Olivia closes her eyes and makes a wish. Happily, Olivia had enough breath to blow out all twelve candles at once. Everyone cheers. What did Olivia wish for? She could have hoped for anything, but what she desired more than anything was to own a pony someday.

Olivia doesn’t expect the pony to arrive tomorrow. But she’s a little happier because someday, she whispers to herself, her wish will come true. What she desires is beyond her immediate grasp, but it feels graspable. Desires are amazing.

Deserve

Now comes the hard part. What do you deserve? This is a tricky question for most. Some people, in fact, quite rapidly diminish their value by saying, “I don’t deserve a thing.” They’re wrong. We all deserve something.

Much of what people deserve is invisible, such as respect, acknowledgment, approval, and validation. To fully understand the quality of deserving, think about an incomplete circle. This image represents unfinished business and, psychologically speaking, reflects what people crave to feel complete.

Consider Michael’s situation. He works harder than anyone else at work, puts more time into completing projects, and is the kind of person who triple-crosses his T’s and triple-dots his I’s. Michael possesses a blue-collar toughness, works non-stop, and is loyal to a fault. But what keeps Michael motivated? If you could hear what Michael cannot say, it might sound like, “I deserve a raise, a promotion, or at least recognition for my doggedness and quality-mindedness.”

Checking in with what you “deserve” is an excellent psychological exercise. Once you identify what you deserve, game on; now, go get it.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?