David W. Zierk, PsyD

You might be two different people.

Who are you when things run smoothly, and life goes according to plan?

Let’s call this version of you get-along Charlie. It’s easy to be Charlie when a friend calls to get caught up; they want to hear your voice. Or, out of nowhere, in a staff meeting, your boss spotlights your hard work and speaks glowingly of your contributions. Or how about when your family gets together, and everything goes swimmingly? No bickering, no crossed words, just good old-fashioned family times. When the outside world lifts you up, affirms your qualities, and leaves you with a sense of belonging, your inner experience resonates with lightness.

Magically, such moments remind you of what you like about yourself. Charlie has no problem “being Charlie” when life goes as expected or better.

But what happens when things don’t go your way?

When conflict strikes, such as when your friend's comment is upsetting or what your boss says about you in the staff meeting runs counter to what you expected, what happens to Charlie? Who shows up when a sibling rivalry flares, a political debate erupts, or feedback comes your way that doesn’t go your way?

Do you experience a shift inside? At your emotional core, do you feel disconnected from the version of “you” that you know and prefer? When stressed or pressured, do you feel different? When the odds are against you and beat you, do you transform and fumble with what to do next? When you’re in the emotional vortex, do you say things or act in ways inconsistent with the person you know yourself to be?

Like most of us, you probably answered, “Absolutely!”

Your conflict personality explains such a shift. To fully understand this critical concept, let’s first unpack what “personality” means.

Personality Explained

Personality is hard to define but reflects what makes you – you. Your personality is the alchemy of deeply ingrained beliefs, attitudes, behavioral tendencies, preferences, and habits. Personality mirrors your coping responses and vulnerabilities. But it’s more than that. Personality is biological, psychological, and social. It develops organically and relationally. It is the blend of the hand you were dealt and the luck you had along the way. Putting a finishing touch on this description, your personality is something you have, do, and tell yourself.

When people describe you, they share their observations and experiences of your personality. Here are a few examples. “Oh, Susan is always happy and upbeat!” “Chuck is a loner; he prefers to sit and think rather than join in and play.” “If I had to describe David in just a few words, it would be creative and witty.” And don’t forget Annie. It’s commonly shared among everyone who knows her, “Never cross Annie; she’s good at getting even.”

These comments all share one thing: They describe what you do and how you present yourself to others. They don’t speak to the heart of your true self. The difference between who you are as a person and as a personality is made clear by the following equation.

Person + Stress = Personality

Your personality shows up when stress happens. Since stress can be positive or negative, familiar or novel, real or perceived, you have different personality traits to respond to various situations.

When examined, your personality shows up when you are under stress. Reemphasizing that stress can be good and bad, preferred and disdained is essential. For example, when you are attracted to someone you just met, this is positive stress. In this upbeat situation, an aspect of your personality appears. For example, you may turn on the charm, hoping to elicit an encouraging response from the other person. Or, if your unfavorable past shows up and reminds you that someone like her will never have anything to do with someone like you, you become avoidant and bypass saying hello. To your mind, being vulnerable will only result in getting hurt.

There are also situations when stress is unfavorable, unpleasant, and unwanted. Under such conditions, different personality traits will show up and take over to keep you safe and sound. For example, the dependent personality predictably acquiesces and acts as if nothing is wrong. Their excessive need for nurturance inhibits their capacity to speak up and prioritize their needs. The obsessive personality becomes intensely focused, absurdly rigid, and utterly uninfluencible. The impulsive personality urgently and dramatically springs into action. Having limited capacity or interest in reflection, they permit themselves to act on a hunch or whatever strikes their fancy.

There are more personality types than mentioned above, but you get the idea. The personality takes over under stress, real or perceived, and guides the person's thinking, feeling, and acting.

Conflict Personality Unlocked

Now we can turn our attention to your conflict personality. This concept captures who you become when things don’t go your way, such as when someone puts you down, lets you down, or brings you down. Since the outside world seems so adept at putting us in our place, having control over your conflict personality becomes mandatory if you want to live happily ever after.

Clues to your conflict personality lie in the tapestry woven by your genetic makeup, upbringing, relationship history, and imagination. That’s right; what you do and who you become under duress directly reflects your biology and biography. Related to your life history, much of its influence comes from what you learned during times you didn’t know you were being taught. In psychology, this process is called implicit learning. In contrast with explicit learning, which is information gathered by instruction, implicit learning is rapidly recalled, durable, and steadier under pressure. When implicitly learned, experiences are stored deep in your fantastic brain and take little effort to remember. In fact, by definition, implicit learning does not involve conscious effort. Classic examples include riding a bike, throwing a ball, and trying again after a fail.

Think about the implications. How you respond to conflict is similar to riding a bike. Both are over-learned and don’t require deliberate effort. This explains why learning to tap the brakes during conflict is essential. Each tap puts a slight pause between stimulus and response. The resulting gap is where your thinking brain can squeeze in its influence. Thinking about how you will respond instead of impulsively improves the odds of gaining much-deserved control over the outcome.

Let me add an important caveat. Reshaping your conflict personality to be mutually beneficial, thus reducing conflict, takes lots of practice.

Remember, your mind resolves conflict by repeating the past. In other words, during times of conflict, your mind rapidly recalls useful memories and avoids injury by doing what it has learned to do.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control - You or Your Mind?