David W. Zierk, PsyD

Curiosity involves keeping an open mind and filling it with what is not yet known.

Research shows that young children typically ask a question every two minutes. You know the early childhood drill, “Why is the sky blue?” “Why don’t dogs talk?” “Why can’t I have ice cream before dinner?” “Why does daddy’s breath smell funny?” and “Why can’t I stay up as late as you? As children age, their questions become trickier, such as, “Why do people die?” “Where did I come from?” “What does ‘we can’t afford it’ mean?” and “When you die, who will I live with?

What happens to that natural sense of curiosity as we age?

Don't worry, it's still there.

For instance, consider the following questions.

"Are you mad at me?"

"You seem frazzled, am I right?"

"We've been distant. Would you like to go out Friday night?"

Open + Closed Questions

There are two types of questions: open and closed. Let’s explore each one.

Closed questions are typically brief, practical, detached from emotional curiosities, and focused on information gathering. Consider the theme of these data-driven questions, "What time is it?", "Are you going to the seminar?" and "Did you do what I asked?" How about the classic parenting line, “Are you talking to me with that tone?” Regardless of your state of mind, asking closed questions doesn’t move the needle, at least not in a positive and mutually beneficial way.

Closed questions, like closed minds, lack intrigue. They’re shallow and business-like and show little interest in the nuances and complexities of life. They focus on what the light shines on and have less interest in the shadows that appear.

By comparison, open questions invite more amusing, intimate, and irreverent answers. They often probe into feelings, thoughts, and opinions. They examine beliefs and dare to look at humanity's upsides and downsides. For example, "How did you feel about the seminar?" "What could we do to improve our teamwork?" "How do you think we can improve the current state of politics?" and, probing deeper, "Who am I? " and "What’s the meaning of life?"

Curiosity is an Open Mind

Curiosity pumps fresh air into the space between you, your destiny, and the other person.

Being curious about what's happening inside and around you keeps your wheels spinning and, wonderfully, out of judgment. The curious mind creates options and looks for opportunities. Keeping an open mind and filling it with what is unknown puts you in a learning mindset.

When you're not curious, your mind goes to the extremes. Riddled with indifference, disinterest, or unmoved by possibility, the unconcerned mind moves toward being either convinced or confused. Feel free to take your pick.  

A convinced mind anchors itself in being right. It focuses on evidence to support its view of things. When you're convinced, you challenge other people's perspectives, not your own. Swayed by only your own thoughts and self-assured beliefs, being convinced permits you to luxuriate in the stale air of never being wrong. The unequivocal mind is cocksure. Loneliness, indeed, must be close by.

You may be either disinterested or convinced when you need more curiosity. The disinterested mindset is unwilling to obtain new information, often due to a lack of care or a feeling of futility in the endeavor. The past has taught the disinterested mind that there is nothing new to gain here. Similarly, the convinced mindset is sure that past experiences are repeating themselves. It can be hard to convince you otherwise, and your actions flow from a belief system from the past that another cannot address adequately.

At the other extreme, a confused mind cannot find an anchor and gets lost in the storm. It focuses on everything and can't decide on anything. A confused mind challenges its perspective by not trusting what it knows, feels, and thinks. Bewildered by possibilities and life’s untidiness, being confused makes life messier than it already is. In opposition to the convinced mind, the state of confusion breeds distractions, cultivates chaos, and, never believing, its medley of competing truths remains restless and disconnected.

An overly curious mind becomes obsessed about the relationship or other person, excessively seeking answers to questions that can never be satisfied. This mind seeks perfectionism. It becomes embroiled in catastrophic thinking. Ironically, too much curiosity can lead to confusion. The constant milling over possibilities leads to a slew of unsatisfying answers where you constantly search for the sake of the search itself. It is not relational because much of it is going on in your mind, and even when you include the other person, it becomes more about confirming your narrative than learning from them.

In a few words, a convinced mind is presumptuous and arrogant. It doesn’t realize that never being wrong doesn’t always make you right. By comparison, a confused mind is flustered, disorganized, and easily dumbfounded. It needs to know that not making a choice is a choice.

Alternatively, a curious mind seeks information that is not readily available. Being curious enhances your focus on what you don't know, what’s possible, and what might be true. The power of curiosity overrides the overconfidence bias reflected by not knowing when you might be wrong. It's vital to remember that wrong never feels wrong in the moment. Your perceptions and beliefs reflect what you know to be true. But such perceptions and beliefs deserve to be challenged, at least now and again.

Beyond keeping judgment at bay, the upside of curiosity focuses your mind on learning and improving. To be curious is to wonder. In the earliest development phase, the human brain is wired to be curious about everything. Then, as you walk through the dailiness of your upbringing and relationship history, you accumulate experiences. When your experiences are similar, your mind detects patterns and connects the dots. In this way, your mind is designed to make sense of something rapidly, but only sometimes wisely.

Learning to be Curious

To have a curious mind involves openness and teachability.

Openness is refreshing and stimulating. Learning to be more open requires you to tolerate the gap in your knowledge actively. While “not knowing” may feel uncomfortable, be patient; amazing things will happen.

An open mind entertains novel ideas and looks forward to the twists in the road. When unexpected things happen, staying open to possibilities permits vivid experiences to enrich the moment and be colored by the complexity of emotions.

Teachability involves allowing the other person to fill in the gap of what you don’t yet know rather than your past doing so. Instead of being set in your ways and emotionally unresponsive, say, “What is there to learn from this situation?” When you do, your tolerance of uncertainty broadens your horizons and evokes experiences not otherwise invited. In this sense, when you learn something new, your mind expands.

Remember, your mind has little tolerance for uncertainty. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?