David W. Zierk, PsyD

Are you on the spectrum?

Here’s an important clue…everyone is. There are no exceptions to this rule. In every relationship, given enough time and circumstance, often much sooner than expected, everyone experiences some degree of disconnection.

Check out the Disconnection Spectrum below, which ranges from mild to severe.

As shown above, the disconnection spectrum is broad and progressively distressful. On the mild side, while not envying, it’s common to feel displeased, dissatisfied, disappointed, and discouraged in the relational world. But then, beyond these mild degrees of disconnection is the real culprit – disrespect. Not only is disrespect upsetting and hurtful, but most conflict comes from people feeling disrespected. It’s where the problem begins. When someone disrespects you, a line has been crossed, and the connection is broken. Following disrespect, the remaining shades of disconnection reflect increasingly severe forms of relational trauma.

Here’s some good news. When disconnection is detected, there is an opportunity to pause, reflect, and reconnect. For many, this sounds much easier than it is.

What does it feel like to be disconnected? What causes disconnection? The experience of being disconnected ranges from subtle, nearly undetectable, to clear as a bell and outrageous. When disconnected, what’s the first thing most people do?

Let’s begin our quest to answer these critical questions by asking the most elementary one–what triggers the inner experience of disconnection? This is best explained by starting with what it means to be connected.

When connected, people feel safe, supported, and validated. These three magical ingredients provide the foundation for friendships to thrive, love to blossom, and family members to feel like they belong to something bigger than themselves. The sense of connection extends the message, “You can be yourself without fear of judgment, reprisal, or petty relational shenanigans.” Being connected is amazing because it provides people with a shared reality that is positive and uplifting.

Of course, the opposite side of feeling a connection is disconnection. You’ll know you are disconnected when you feel unsafe, alone, or invalidated. Suppose the most significant forms of validation include being understood and treated with love and respect. When treated in these ways, you’ll feel that the person “gets you” and that “you matter.” These are the two most incredible forms of validation ever!

If accurate, it makes sense that painful disconnections involve being misunderstood and treated unlovingly and disrespectfully. When you feel these feelings repeatedly, what’s causing you to lose faith in the relationship because they don’t pass your most crucial test? They “don’t get you,” making you feel like you “don’t matter.” These are the two most wounding forms of invalidation ever!

The Infinity Loop

Let’s unpack the counterproductive nature of feeling disconnected. What happens privately when the connection breaks? Being disconnected triggers a sense of vulnerability and insecurity—a double-whammy! When the feeling of disconnection is dissected, it shows up as a combination of inner turmoil, emotional upheaval, cognitive confusion, somatic distress, and psychological undercurrents. Unbeknownst to you, your mind goes back into the past and detects similar experiences when your attachment needs were unmet. Borrowing from the tactics you employed years ago, in the here and now, you are compelled to react defensively and with self-protection in mind.

In summary, the Infinity Loop is triggered by disconnection, which activates your sense of vulnerability and insecurity. In turn, your mind goes into its way-back machine and retrieves earlier times when your attachment needs were disappointed. Without knowing it, you honed survival skills during such times to deal with the unfavorables in your life. And around we go, forever, until the loop is broken.

The life lessons you learned during your upbringing and relationship history are comprised of the interplay of your parent’s fitness, your birth order, extended family involvement, attachment style, privileges and opportunities you were granted or denied, the role you played in your family, prior relationships, gender socialization, and your hidden drama and trauma history. This constellation of good, bad, and bizarre times is worth exploring.

Me + You = Self

Humans are relational creatures. Underscoring this phenomenon, social science pegged a construct called “social constructionism,” fancy words for the emergence of “self,” which is constructed “within” and greatly influenced by social forces. In simplest terms, your sense of “me” is an admixture of the hand you were dealt (biology) and the luck you had along the way (biography).

Consistent with this idea that your interactions with your outside world shape your identity and your felt sense of a personal self, it stands to reason that when you are raised feeling substantially more connected than disconnected, the odds increase markedly that your adaptive self is robust. You’ll know that your past was favorable when you show signs of resilience, self-discipline, and tenacity. By contrast, when disconnections far exceed connections, your identity takes hits that it might not be able to afford. This means how you sense yourself (understanding), how you view yourself (image), how you invest in yourself (worth), and how much you believe in yourself (meaning) may tumble around and, confused by mixed messages, struggle to unify.

In this way, the power of connection is made visible while the price of disconnection is spotlighted.

Key Takeaway

It’s vital to think of disconnection as a prompt for attention. Whether hanging with a circle of friends, walking with your closest companion, or luxuriating in solitude, you must tune into your felt sense of connection or the lack thereof. Doing so will vastly improve your chances of enjoying the “me” inside of you.

Gaining critical insight into identifying the basic needs of being human and learning essential skills that turn conflict into connection will help you develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to love and be loved. If reimagining connection and disconnection sounds good, you should consider learning more by visiting the Relationship Intelligence Center website.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?