David W. Zierk, PsyD

Be aware of how your behavior impacts others.

When you focus on your intentions, it’s easy to lose sight of impact. Doing a good deed or giving a compliment sounds great. But their greatness depends on how they are received, not how they were intended.

The song “Almost Home” by country singer Craig Morgan is a tearjerking example of the intention-impact mismatch. It tells the story of a well-intentioned person who sees a homeless man sleeping behind a trash can on a “flashing five below” cold day. Thinking the man may be dead, the good Samaritan gently shakes him to see if this is so. It isn’t. On the contrary, when awakened, the homeless man irritatingly shared he was “almost home” and proceeded to list what was happening in his dream.

The moving nature of these lyrics reveals the need for us to think before we act. To make the point dramatically, the great poet T.S. Eliot said, “Most of the evil in this world is done by people with good intentions.” Point made, point received.

Mind Over What Matters

Your mind works fast, making sense of things in the blink of an eye. This is great when hiking in the woods and hearing an unexpected sound in the brush. Right away, your instincts kick in, and without consciously thinking, you take action, increasing the odds of living another day. Thank goodness for reflexes passed down by our primitive ancestors.

The relational world is night and day different from the great outdoors. When dealing with people, not bears, anticipating how your words and actions will land is critical for everyone to enjoy the exchange. When people care about people by caring about how their behavior is experienced, the world becomes a better place. Common courtesy contributes to the common good. Common decency promotes movement toward a common cause. Under such conditions, trust grows, people rely upon each other more readily, and an unspoken sense of community makes people feel safe and increasingly willing to reach out for accessible support. Imagine the possibilities of a world where everyone is mindful of their behavior.

What a great world this would be.

When people don’t or won’t anticipate how their behavior impacts others, the great divide in civilization grows wider. This is a malignant reality that we need to confront. The more we understand the impact of our actions, the more we can work towards a more harmonious society.

Brass-knuckle selfishness improves the odds of people winning the jackpot. How does this happen? People who don’t care about others have given them a license to do whatever they desire. Personal freedom and power become their highest aspirations. Above trust, above equity, above justice, which is seen as shackles against their pursuit of individual liberty, when greed trumps the common good, the world becomes their oyster. Think about it: when helping each other out is never on your mind, you can prioritize yourself. Doing so puts you in a position to obsess over pleasure, possession, prestige, and power.

In psychology, labels are imposed on people who care only about themselves. For such chest-thumping individuals, satisfying their needs is the only thing that matters. What names do we give such people? There’s a slew, beginning with pathological narcissism, grandiosity, and antisocial personality. When no longer bothered by diagnostic nomenclature, other descriptors include selfish, arrogant, conceited, self-absorbed, pompous, calculating, self-important, entitled, and the list goes on. Such people are well known for their interpersonal exploitiveness and knack for being emotional predators. Lacking empathy and possessing unlimited superiority, self-glorification, supremacy, and unrivaled vanity become a way of life. They only hear and listen to their personal narrative. They surround themselves with people willing to serve the master, whose favorite number is zero-sum.

In a good world, we need fewer of these people. Their slick chatter undermines the common good, contributing to the receding of trust and the fading of diplomacy.

Level of Impact Sensitivity Awareness

The code name for impact sensitivity is LISA, which stands for “level of impact sensitivity awareness.” Listening to LISA is imperative for improving your relationship intelligence. “What would LISA say?” is a thoughtful process for dialing into and improving your sensitivity to how you may impact others.

Now that you know LISA, let’s take this concept to another level.

Step One…Anticipate. Before you respond, consider the possible impact of your actions and words. While keeping your needs in mind, focus your awareness on the potential consequences of your following action. What are you about to do or say? Is it helpful or hurtful? Is the other person ready to hear what you are about to say? While you’ll never know for sure, your instincts will inform you whether you should tap the brakes or give it a little gas.

Step Two…Ask. If you’re still unsure about what to do, you can always ask the person if you can share something. Consider asking the person if this is a good time for you to give them feedback. Asking sends the message to the other person that they’re essential. Asking is also a form of common courtesy.

Step Three…Try. After you’ve quieted your mind, honed into your instincts, and gained assurance that the other person is receptive, it’s time to try. Trying is doing something different. You will stretch your relational muscles and tone your receptivity when you try being mutually helpful, beneficial, and considerate.

Step Four…Review. This last step is based on common sense but is often overlooked. Reviewing involves using observational skills to take mental notes about what happened, who benefitted, and whether something needs modification. Remember, it can't be undone after you say something or act a certain way. To help align your intentions with a favorable impact, use the TLC filter to discern your next step.

T - Is it True?

L - Is it Loving?

C - Is it Constructive?

In your conscience, there is always a whispered truth. When you quiet your mind and listen carefully, you’ll detect the voice of reason, heartfelt compassion, and the collective good.

Summing Up and Moving On

The diagram below sums up impact sensitivity. The process asks you to draw your attention toward your inner experience. Then, it’s time to listen to your words.

Remember, your mind has a low pain threshold and struggles to distinguish between being hurt and injured. This is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control—you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?