David W. Zierk, PsyD

A Delicate Balance

A relationship without rules leads to confusion.

Rules without a relationship motivate rebellion.

A relationship with rules invites mutuality.

Rules hold back the chaos. Even more, rules create order out of chaos.

These are good things.

Rules inform all interested parties how to do something. They’re guardrails of civility. When rules are followed, the playing field evens out, giving everyone an equal chance of winning. That’s good if order and justice are your jam, and you prize fairness over triumph. On the other hand, rules are inconvenient and annoying if you’re obsessed with self-importance and undyingly believe the world is your oyster and your oyster alone.

To show the upside of following rules, please consider the reasons for having rules of the road. Even novice drivers know what to do when approaching a stop sign or when a traffic signal turns yellow. “Yielding the right-of-way” helps prevent collisions and is code for “be thoughtful and take turns.” Turning right on red keeps things moving along. When the red light starts flashing, the rule is everyone comes to a complete stop and can move forward when the coast is clear. A speed limit sign is not a suggestion. And when entering a work zone, there’s a rule to slow down, stay alert, and be courteous to the construction workers making road repairs. If it helps, remember they’re doing their job to make your driving smoother and safer.

See what I mean? When the rules of the road are obeyed, order is created. The rules are there to help everyone get home safely.

On a multi-use trail, as another example, faster yield to slower, downhillers yield to those going uphill, and bikers yield to walkers, who, in turn, yield to equestrians. That’s the order. Following these rules keeps everyone safe and having fun. When the rules are broken, things get messy, and people get hurt.

Next, consider the importance of the “rules of the game.”

Games People Play

Rules are the heart and soul of sports, games, and puzzles, even war. 

We play games to be entertained and challenged. Games are meant to be fun and stimulating. Rules of play guide our next move, help us to think two or three steps ahead, and keep arguments to a minimum.

Rules have transformative powers. Rules make rolling a pair of dice enticing. They transform a game board into an engaging activity that excites brain cells by inviting people to problem solve, negotiate, and make decisions, which can be fun when people keep their sense of humor. Rules turn a piece of chalk into a great adventure. Hopscotch, four square, and sidewalk twister exemplify how chalk turns a dull day into summer playtime. With rules, a deck of cards becomes an industry. Also, let’s not forget that rules turn a bat, ball, and an empty lot into endless pleasure.

Think of the game of chess. While the rules aren’t overly complex, the game is. Place the pieces on the board, understand how the different pieces move, and know that white moves first. The game ends when either king is captured and someone says, “Checkmate!” Sounds easy, right? However, things get tricky fast. There are pivotal strategies for openings, middle games, and end games. There are tactics, strategies, and complex trajectories. Each move affects possible actions on later moves. And making matters more competitive, there’s a clock. Evidently, in chess, much like in life, timing is everything.

What happens when we make the game of chess as simple as possible?

Consider how uninteresting chess becomes when all pieces are queens. The queen is the most powerful piece on the board. She can move in any straight direction–forward, backward, sideways, or diagonally. One caveat: she can’t move through any pieces—otherwise, it’s game on.  But what type of game would this be? Even a quick glance at this revision reveals that the game loses its sense of play. Chess with all queens loses meaning. The intellectual dueling of two players is reduced to the level of tic-tac-toe. 

Lastly, bring to mind the overnight sensation of yesteryear, Pong. You remember, there’s a black screen divided by a dashed line, a pair of paddles move a blunt white line on either side, and a small white block bounces between them. The instructions couldn’t be more uncomplicated; they read, “Avoid missing ball for a high score.” Hours of fun, right? Pong is the epitome of simplicity, requiring a negligible learning curve. Even though this game was introduced in 1972, it’s still alive and well. It seems chess and Pong have something in common: when there’s something “at play” that is moved forward by rules, games become a pastime, a passion, and even a profession.

To underscore the importance and ubiquitous nature of rules, even in war, rules exist. Sadly, the rules of war are more apparent on paper than in person, especially when considering contemporary warfare.

Think about the contrast of rules of war over 200 years. In 1775, after assuming command of the Continental Army, Washington put together a short list of rules guiding soldiers on behaving in a foreign land. Here are Washington’s five rules.

1.        Don’t assume you are welcome.

2.        Cultivate local support.

3.        Respect local religious practices.

4.        Don’t abuse prisoners.

5.        Withdraw if your objectives are unobtainable.

His insightfulness to the power of rules illustrated the genius of Washington.

In 1864, the first Geneva Convention resulted in an international treaty safeguarding the sick and wounded on the battlefield. Sounds great—a set of rules designed to protect vulnerable humans from the brutality of war. Indeed, the rules promulgated by the Geneva Conventions save lives and reduce suffering, but only if the rules are followed. 

Moving the clock forward 200 years, 1975 marked the end of the Vietnam War. The United States issued military pocket cards detailing nine rules during this warfare. In a civilized society, some things seemingly never change. However, the Viet Cong (VC) popularized guerilla tactics and, in doing so, ignored the Geneva Convention and played by their own rules. The tactics they employed included taking rice from villagers at gunpoint, burying alive children and babies-in-arms, carrying out countless assassinations, and openly executing civilians and prisoners of war. This was a war without guardrails.

What history books teach us is that rules quell anarchy by reducing chaos.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

Let’s explore further about the consequences of breaking the rules.

Without rules, the seams and cracks in civilization get wider and more ponderous. Without rules of decorum, interruptions would never end. The loudest voice would always win. Disorder would ensue, and no business would ever be accomplished. If this sounds like today’s Congress, you’d be more right than wrong.

The breaking of rules changes everything. Ponder the children’s game of tag.

When playing tag, the player selected to be “it” chases the others, trying to “tag” them as they try to avoid being tagged. So simple, so fun. But let’s modify the rules by saying the person who loses on the initial eeny, meeny, miny, moe gambit is always “it.” See what happens. While the rule is still simple, the new rule takes all the fun out of playing. Why? An essential component of effective rules is that they must convey fairness. Without being fair, rules become lopsided. When one side gains an unfair advantage, the fun disappears.

Even grade schoolers know the importance of fairness. On any given day at any playground, during recess, some young person will inevitably cry out, “That’s not fair!” Fairness keeps people connected. Accordingly, the importance of fairness is known at an early age. Fairness increases safety, reduces conflict, and helps build a collaborative culture. When your child comes home and responds to your predictable “How was school?” question by saying, “Great!” they’ve had a “fair” day.

When rules are ignored, power skews, and confusion reigns.

For example, call to mind the well-known hand game between two players: rock, paper, and scissors. After counting to three, each player simultaneously forms one of three shapes with an outstretched hand. The rock (a closed fist), the paper (a flat hand), or scissors (a fist with the index and middle finger outstretched forming a V) are the player’s choices. The order of power is well-known: rock beats scissors, scissors beat paper, and, finishing the circle, paper beats rock.

These are the rules of the game. When mutually adopted, the game is fun and can be used to settle any argument. When the rules are ignored, the game becomes pointless. Indeed, without rules, the rock-paper-scissors game becomes a series of meaningless gestures.

More seriously, rules without fairness explain dictatorships, authoritarian governments, and school bullying, which is a form of local fascism. Anarchy and chaos ensue when rules are discarded and people in power do whatever they please. As stated above, rules hold back the chaos. Even more, rules create order out of chaos.

Lesson Learned

So, let’s wrap this up by reviewing the lessons to be learned about rules.

By themselves, rules are good. If there are fewer of them, rules are manageable. When the number adds up, things become overwhelming. When the rules are unfair, a zero-sum game is created, with one side winning and another out of luck. When the rules are too complicated, they get ignored.

The game of Tic-Tac-Toe is an iconic model. The rules are simple. There are just a few. Each player has a chance of winning. Ergo, when negotiating or enforcing rules, such as household rules or ground rules for teamwork, when possible, you won’t go wrong by following the KISS principle, an acronym for “Keep it simple, stupid!” Or, in the well-advised words of Dr. Suess, “So the writer who breeds more words than he needs is doing a chore for the reader who reads.”

We can thank the good doctor for his immortal words of wisdom. The world would be better if Theodor Suess Geisel were still around, conjuring up new imaginative journeys of his lovable characters and reminding us of what’s most important.

Remember, “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!” This is a great rule to follow.

Godspeed, Dr. Suess. We need you more now-er than now to know what to do, so we’ll read your words over and over until we figure out your clues.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?