Conflict Simplified
Conflict is messy.
When things don’t go your way, things change fast inside. Emotions erupt, thoughts fly, memories surge and perspectives blur. Sometimes, it feels like the inner world turns upside-down.
The immense turbulence felt when you encounter conflict may explain why your behavior feels, well, primal. That is to say, your protective response is blindingly fast, unconscious, and tenfold powerful. And the kicker is that your behavior is not particularly helpful. At least I wouldn’t put a wager on it.
Going from bad to worse sounds like an evolutionary blunder. So why do we still do it? If we resort to a version of early man when confronted, which is often counterproductive, why haven’t our genes kept pace? Is this a genetic faux pas?
When things get hot, heads swell—at least, that’s how it seems. Maybe there’s something to this expression.
Conflict Dissected
The neurophysiology of conflict is complex. To keep it simple, let’s focus on the basics. A tiny, almond-shaped part of your middle brain activates when you feel threatened or attacked. This dense cluster of brain cells is called the amygdala. Again, for simplicity's sake, let’s rename it “Amy.”
Amy’s evolution has been, let’s say, like that of a sloth. She is designed to detect signals and produce an emotional reaction. Unfortunately, Amy’s advice isn’t always the best. If Amy could talk, you might hear her profess that she’s “never wrong, but not always right.” Sounds confusing, right? But when Amy gets triggered, to her, things are crystal clear, black and white, right or wrong, do or die.
It’s Amy who’s chiefly responsible for your fight-flight-freeze reaction. She’s been programmed to stay alert to threat level and emotional significance.
Always awake, Amy’s power is breathtaking. When incited, she generates a neural impulse that releases a flood of hormones and neurochemicals that surge to your rescue. Do you see how your reaction under signs of danger, real or imagined, may simultaneously be brilliant and not very smart?
What do you think we should do?
When distilled to its most basic elements and stripped to the bone, human behavior can be divided into two types: stop and start. That’s it!
When Amy “starts,” she’s fast. Fight or flight seems like the only option. When Amy says, “Stop,” she slams on the brakes, and you freeze. Now that we know what Amy does, what should we do?
The central theme of behavioral psychology includes a stimulus and a response. The most primitive version of this pairing involves no space between them—no time to think, no time to breathe, no time to chill. So, again, what should we do?
A simple phrase explains it perfectly–it all starts with stopping!
Without space between stimulus and response, we have no power. We become subject to our native instincts. So, we need to grip the stimulus and response with two hands and convincingly pull them apart, creating a space.
To sprinkle some scholarship on this point, philosophers have said freedom occupies this space. In psychology, this is called agency. When you exercise your agency, you are expressing your free will. Congratulations on evolving into the twenty-first century and joining the clan called Modern Man.
Now that we’ve cleaved stimulus and response apart and discovered a split second, what’s next? This is when we evolve. Taking the reins of the situation means we choose to do something other than what we’ve always done.
In 2007, researchers at UCLA found a critical difference between feeling and observing. When our feelings get all the attention, the connection is intense, and it’s as if we become one with our feelings. This fusion doesn’t help. By contrast, the magical split second appears out of nowhere when we observe our feelings by putting feelings into words. Now, we have a fighting chance.
Key Point…The researchers christened this process “affect labeling.” That’s it. That’s what we’ve been waiting for. We now know what to do. When we slap a label on our feelings, we travel the distance from being a part of the moment (fused) to being apart (separated, but just barely).
To increase the potency of the moment you separate stimulus from the response, the artful practice of reaching into your playfulness when designing a label profoundly improves the odds of improving your relationship intelligence. This is done when you intentionally focus on what is needed to “turn conflict into connection” while considering the immense upside of mutual benefit.
Putting the Pieces Together
Defined simply, conflict is what happens inside of you when something outside gets in the way of you getting your way.
What happens inside of you is chemical, electrical, and historical. As I said before, it’s messy. But now you know how to start cleaning up the mess. First, you stop. Then, you feel your feelings. Rapidly after that, you throw a fun label on this experience. 1-2-3. It takes practice.
Summing up and moving on, ask yourself, “What do you do when you don’t know what to do?” Your answer is deeply personal and exceptionally revealing. If you do the same thing repeatedly without good results, chances are high that you’re trapped in a conflict cycle.
To break the cycle and regain control of your conflict style, check out other blogs on this website dealing with the sticky topic of conflict. In addition, you may want to consider pressing the button below to learn more about relationship intelligence, which focuses on how to “turn conflict into connection.” Sounds amazing, right?
Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?