David W. Zierk, PsyD

It’s an open and shut case; adverse life events change us.

Let’s jump into the heart of insecurities by asking probing questions.

Are you living up to your potential? Do you have pleasure, happiness, or joy? Do your relationships enrich you? Do you experience relational warmth and feel like you belong? Are you provided opportunities to shine, exercise your competency, and stand out in ways that make you feel special? Do you chase people who don’t want to be caught? Do you have mental walls that prevent people from loving you? Do you choose people, or do they choose you? When the unlovable version of you shows up, are you being defensive or routine? Do you identify more with your reflection or your shadow? When you first fell in love, how did it end? What did early love teach you about your worth? Moving forward, did relationships fill you with more questions than answers, more misgivings than agreements, and did they encourage your confidence or apprehension?

The list goes on, but you know where it’s heading. Whether at the drop of a hat or a turn in the road, when something happens that you weren’t expecting, causing doubt to swell, are you patient and loving with your uncertainty and pain? Or do your self-criticisms run deep and cause you to waste time and energy trying to fix something that doesn’t need repair?

Since we are all challenged by life's capriciousness, the crowning question is not “Are you insecure?” Your answers to the questions above have put this to rest. Instead, the more important question is, “Are you in control of your insecurities, or do they control you?”

Insecurities Revealed

There are many detours in life, and they come in many forms and disguises. One popular detour is diversions, which distract us from putting time and energy into what’s most important. Perhaps your career took precedence over your marriage and family. Maybe your passion became an obsession, such as endurance running, and you keep running out of time to achieve a balanced life.

Another type of detour is the circuitous route, when people choose to make things harder than they are. For instance, consider the young woman, Amanda, bright and sassy by design, who finishes law school as president of her graduating class. It’s easy to surmise that she’s “Going places,” as one of her admiring professors stated. Yet, Amanda’s independence and stubbornness learned early in life, which she attributed to her being an only child and her parents divorcing when she was three, are her nemesis. She seems gifted in all areas except formalized testing. She’s tried to pass the bar four times without success. Instead of reaching out to one of her many mentors, Amanda’s self-sufficiency and pride insist she must do this alone. Her dogged autonomy motivates her detour, making things harder for her.

Turning another corner, for some, mostly the privileged, the pressure of family legacy narrows their future. As a graduating senior in high school, when Denise is asked what she’s going to do next, she replies, “I’m going into dentistry, of course.” Three generations before her have paved the path for Denise’s future to follow other people’s pasts. She claims to be excited, yet her voice lacks zest. What does Denise know that she can’t say out loud? Being a dutiful daughter, Denise hates to disappoint others. So, she has accepted her fate, which involves taking the presumed occupational excursion and becoming successful in dentistry. On paper, Denise is doing the right thing. In-person, her decision, chosen by others, will lead to great wealth but not personal fortune. She hasn’t told anyone, except her best friend, that her heart is set on going into engineering. What makes Denise tick is coming up with new ideas, not working with her hands.

For many others, we are given the runaround by hard luck, being told one thing and another happening instead. Patrick exemplifies this detour. His upbringing involved unending twists and turns. His parents divorced in his early childhood, his older brother, by four years, was killed in a car accident in high school, and his mother responded to this tragedy by turning to drugs. She swiftly became distant and a hollowed version of herself. If asked about his childhood, Patrick would say it was “good enough.” His basic needs were met, his small cluster of friends helped him find ways to stay busy and entertained, and he did well enough in school. Being the proverbial “forgotten child,” Patrick never received guidance about his future. So, he did what was next. After high school, Patrick went to a local community college. He dated but never seriously. He worked steadily at a restaurant and gained the owner's respect, who steadily promoted Patrick. Enjoying the restaurant industry but not passionately, Patrick stuck with this career path. Not knowing what else to do and having limited resources, Patrick was the general manager of this same local restaurant ten years after graduating from high school. When his class reunion invitation arrived in the mail, he felt left behind. It dawned on him how time had passed him by. His secure world was small, and he felt inferior. The real kicker happened just after Patrick chose not to attend his reunion. When the owner of the restaurant came down with a chronic illness, instead of handing the keys to the kingdom over to Patrick as promised “a million times,” it was the owner’s youngest son who stepped in to run the show. Not only was Patrick double-crossed, but his forgottenness was redoubled.

So What, Now What?

The main idea is that life is unpredictable and filled with fortune and misfortune. We all want to succeed. What obstructs us are the detours we take and the insecurities we develop along the way.

Insecurities are rooted in life experiences that leave us feeling misunderstood or mistreated. When repeated, we internalize a sense of deprivation and deficiency. Moments, when you were rejected, excluded, or devalued, are the primary sources of self-defectiveness. What’s fascinating about insecurities developed long ago is they never go away. Perhaps they go into hiding when you put energy into excelling and receiving glowing feedback. But at a moment’s notice and without warning, they rapidly reappear. Like an internalized trip wire, insecurities are a concealed trap.

Are we doomed to be enslaved by our insecurities? Do insecurities serve a purpose?

When triggered and disconnected from your true self, insecurities remind you of your shortcomings, peculiarities, and faults. From the author’s experience, “Never have I ever thanked someone for reminding me what’s wrong with me.” Why? Because I know my insecurities better than anyone, thank you.

Nobody enjoys feeling insecure. It’s a state of inner confusion, vulnerability, and disempowerment. Whether something happens around you that makes you feel insecure or is self-generated, being insecure is, at once, deeply familiar and unwanted.

When triggered, insecurity creates self-doubt, which threatens your integrity. There is a fundamental paradox related to this phenomenon. The experience of insecurity produces a tension of flux and fixation, enacted by the discomforting interplay between feeling insecure and being insecure. No longer are you connected with your true self, the bestowed version of you who is always there, just not always present. Threads of truth stored in your memory banks awaken to remind you of your least favorable experiences.

Think of insecurities as an inner Geiger counter that detects familiar and unfriendly memories. When activated, it’s time to listen and not ignore their signal. Becoming acquainted with your insecurities is a welcome step toward weakening their control over you.

Regaining your inner balance requires awareness of what’s happening inside and acknowledging its presence. In psychology, there’s an expression, “If you can name it, you can tame it.” Borrowing from the folk wisdom of this thought, let’s shift to naming the various types of insecurities.

1. Inferiority.

2. Inadequacy.

3. Insignificance.

4. Ineptness.

5. Insanity.

There they are, the big five. Think of the events in your life that didn’t go according to plan. Contemplate how moments of rejection, exclusion, and being devalued impacted and stayed with you—such moments shaped and misshaped your sense of self. Becoming acquainted with your insecurities is a welcome step toward weakening their control over you.

Now, the time has arrived to reshape your identity, the internalized image you hold dearly, and get back on course to become the person you were always meant to be. This is your “true self.” The process of regaining control over your insecurities is to be aware when they show up, listen to what they are saying, and realize they’re nothing more than echoes from the past.

You are much more than a constellation of what you’ve been through. While life's fortunes and misfortunes impact you, they mustn’t be forever. What you do next is what matters most. When something triggers your insecurity, the author deeply enjoys the brash attitude associated with the phrase:

“So what, now what?”

Try it on for size. Practice saying this to yourself when life brings you down, lets you down, or pulls you under. It’s up to you to stand up for yourself by pushing back and stepping into your future to realize the vision of who you are.

Summing Up and Moving On

Given life's unpredictable nature, the real question isn't whether you have insecurities. It's about the power dynamic: Do you control your insecurities, or do they hold the reins?

Remember, your mind expands by learning. When you open your mind to new experiences, your perspective shifts. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who's in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?