David W. Zierk, PsyD

Trust requires time and effort.

Trust is the bedrock of every relationship. Without trust, connections are tenuous, and there is little reason to invest and even less reason to believe. As trust develops, truth becomes believable, commitment strengthens, and intimacy flourishes.

The foundational building block of trust is called “square one.” As confidence grows, the relationship gains depth and breadth.

The common understanding of “back to square one” generally infers a sinking of the shoulders, confusion, retreat, an unenthusiastic return to the beginning, and wiping out the progress gained. Nothing could be further from the truth in this context. Having a square one in a relationship is reassuring and strengthening, representing something to return to and mutually pressing the reset button. “We’ve been so distant lately. Let’s return to square one and figure out what’s been going on,” exemplifies how square one is used strategically and constructively, in a word relationally.

The power of square one allows people to express their feelings without triggering the other person’s defensiveness. There is no judgment. Instead, introducing square one into the dialogue provokes learning and invites mutual engagement.

What’s the Problem?

When things get treacherous, it is invaluable to be able to return to square one. Having a square one means mutually understanding and honoring a trusted connection that has developed over time and is worthy of continued investment. For example, John and Malika have been married for nearly ten years. When they met, sparks flew. They basked in the “click” from an instant connection. Their courtship was natural and unruffled by John pursuing higher education and Malika working extended hours as a nurse in a fast-paced emergency department. To everyone around them, it seemed like a sure bet they were a forever couple.

Fast forward to a decade later, John has been worrying more than usual, and Malika seems distracted and distant. Little things have been building up between them, which explains why they are quarreling. In the past, when differences arose, they put their cards on the table and asked each other, “What do you need?” Their trusted connection and affection for each other smoothed rough waters. They perfected the art of not making things bigger than they needed to be. Lately, however, they’ve forgotten what to do and how to do it because of compounded stress. They’ve forgotten how to trust their connection.

Thinking of a way to navigate this unfamiliar and unpleasant trend, Malika scheduled a session with a couples therapist. John didn’t balk when she told him what she had done because, deep down, he missed their organic connection and didn’t know how to get it back.

At their first session with a relational psychologist, the therapist introduced them to “square one.” The therapist explained that their strong and genuine bond with each other needed to be trusted and leveraged in that order. They were taught that as tension increased, they needed to go inside and feel the disconnect between them. Their lost connection was the problem, said their therapist; it wasn’t either of them.

Next, when sensing a divide, John and Malika were asked to repair the disconnection by saying, “I’m not sure what’s happening right now, but let’s get back to square one.” This statement is powerful and truthful. The term square one sends the message, “I love you now and forever. I don’t like it when we disconnect. Let’s not make things worse by complaining or blaming. Instead, let’s reconnect.” All of this is conveyed in the phrase “square one.” When mentioned, both of them can access their greatest relational asset, their undeniable and robust connection with each other.

After this session, John and Malika faithfully injected “square one” into their communication. At any time and under any circumstance, when either one of them referred to square one, their agreement was to lower the temperature between them and take a step back so they could get a little ahead of the tension. Too often, emotions take over in conflict, and we say or do things without thinking. Sharing the phrase “square one” rapidly puts things back into perspective so, as the saying goes, cooler heads can prevail.

It’s amazing when the message outperforms words. In relational psychology, this process is called “getting beyond words.”

No matter what happens throughout the day and stress pours into their relationship, returning to square one is equivalent to “home sweet home.” Being reminded of their inherent connection broadens John and Malika’s perspective and restores their focus on their partnership.

If John and Malika can do it, so can you.

The Power of Square One

The story about John and Malika reminds us of the power of square one. The phrase “square one” speaks directly to what matters most: mutually developed trust. As the picture below shows, everything stacks up neatly when square one is in place and jointly respected. However, everything falls apart when trust is ignored, disrespected, or abused.

The philosophy of Relationship Intelligence is founded on the principle that we need each other. The following statements make this fundamental truth clear.

Without connection, communication fails.

Without communication, relationships fail.

Without relationships, personal growth and development fail.

Do you see how essential connections are and how destructive disconnections can be?

Remember, your mind is not relational. It is not designed to bring people together. Instead, your mind is self-serving, keeping self-preservation as its top priority. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?