Mindset #1
Intentionality Wins Hands-Down
To hit your target, you must be intentional.
Being intentional involves moving forward with design and connection in mind.
The intentional mindset is active and refers to the type and amount of energy exerted. When thinking relationally, this translates into the amount of “intention” the mind has toward connecting with others. The balanced level of an intentional mind is not dismissive or unmovable but deliberately engages without being overpowering. A healthy, intentional mind is also not reactive or idealizing but stays grounded in what’s happening while forecasting what might happen next and choosing wisely.
Intentionality can also be considered approaching with “the right touch,” not too soft and not too hard; not too negative or too cheery, trying to get it just right (think Baby Bear’s Bed in Goldilocks).
The benefit of intentionality is that it increases your chances of hitting more targets and scoring more bullseyes than living haphazardly and unconsciously.
To Grow or Not to Grow?
When you fail to put deliberateness into gear, your mind shifts to the extremes, becoming avoidant or preoccupied. These two mindsets lack insight and move you away from empathic connection, even with yourself. If you choose to live spontaneously rather than deliberately, opportunities for growth and development will slip through your hands.
An avoidant stance reflects a scared mind. Driven by fear, what never happens is a great thing. However, your life remains static if you never stick your neck out, take risks, or jump in. If the status quo is one of your favorite words, stick to the plan of dodging growth opportunities. However, if you long for change but stay stuck, it’s time to learn what to do.
Being intentional with your words and actions is vital to breaking the cycle of your automatic habits. What we do automatically and without conscious thought makes habits so powerful. Knowing that habits come in two forms, healthy and unhealthy, tells you which ones deserve thoughtful attention.
When you do things intentionally, you move forward with design and connection in mind. Intentionality is the intermixing of awareness, belief, skill, desires, and sensible thought. The thought, “Your future moves in the direction of your next move,” reveals the power of intentionality. The question becomes, “Are you in control of your future, or is your future in control of you?”
Mark Twain’s striking quote demonstrates the imaginative power of intentionality: “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” Unscrambling the meaning of Twain’s twisted quip about the human condition reveals that the intentional mind knows what’s happening and chooses anyway.
Like Twain himself, the intentional mind sees the big picture, filled with cascading subtleties and pillars of complexity, and, with impeccable time, pokes fun at the seriousness of life by creating wisdom out of confusion and absurdity. So, being intentional comes down to whether you have the fortitude to eat the frog deliberately. In simplest terms, this means you address what’s most important rather than sidestepping the situation or acting “as if” it doesn’t matter. Things don’t go away or get better by ignoring them. They go dormant and show up later, unexpectedly, in a different form.
The process of asking, “What’s most important?” begins the process of disentangling conflict and creating a mutually safe place to talk.
Intentionality is Deceptive
While intentionality seems transparent when we think about the behaviors of others, it’s not as easily detected in what we do. Think about it. It’s common to perceive and interpret what others do as calculated and willful. When someone says something rude or acts dismissively, instantaneously, we think, “They did that on purpose.” When people change lanes without using a turn signal or looking in their mirrors, their behavior is framed as headstrong, selfish, and a deliberate way of life.
Consider the common scenario of people waiting in line for tickets. Then, a couple walks by and notices some people they know before you. Surprised, the couple approaches their friends and initiates some watch-a-been-doing chit-chat. As the line slowly moves forward, so does the couple. Ultimately, this “friendly” couple gets their tickets and seats ahead of you. What are your thoughts? Chances are one of your thoughts is that the couple “knows” what they’re doing and rudely and volitionally violated a fundamental rule in a civilized society: “No cuts.”
Intentionality likely slips through your fingers when the tables are turned, and you examine your behavior. What you said snidely to another person was well deserved. Not seeing your exit, you reflexively change lanes to ensure you get your turn. And what about the ticket line? It was just a happenstance that you saw your friends, and you were sure no one would be offended if you slipped into the line.
The main point is that we filter the behaviors of others through the lens of intentionality much quicker than we do our own. The lesson is that as we place intentionality in a primary position, we act with greater integrity, sincerity, and authenticity. These attributes reflect the power of intentionality.
When you’re not being intentional, you are being avoidant or preoccupied. The avoidant mind is reserved, withdrawn, shut down, and detached. The preoccupied mind, by contrast, is absorbed, obsessed, fixated, and tormented.
To have an intentional mind involves awareness and choice. That’s it. Together, the playful interaction of these two life skills changes one thing: everything.
The bottom line is that this intentionality is about moving forward with design and connection in mind. The forces that make this happen are awareness and choice. Awareness involves actively focusing on your tendencies and how your past impacts your future. Choice is mindfully engaging in conflict by addressing your unmet needs and those of others.
Pop Quiz
You’re being intentional when,
You anticipate and commit to preventing future hurts.
You make a plan to change contrarian habits and behaviors.
You look underneath conflict for the needs that aren’t being met.
You use your emotions to guide you to methods that make everyone around you, including you, happier.
You identify your unhealthy patterns and create a means to break them.
You challenge yourself and others to grow into the relationship.
You actively balance freedom with mutuality.
You give yourself time and space to have a second thought.
Remember, once your mind has made up its mind, it believes itself to be correct. So, this is where your challenge begins. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”
Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?