David W. Zierk, PsyD

We need each other, but know your limits.

Caring about and tending to the needs of others is a virtue that makes the world a better place. Indeed, an argument can be made that if more people cared about more people, there would be less conflict and more reasons to smile.

One can always hope.

Now, back to reality.

The act of caring for the needs of someone or something is called nurturing. When it comes to human development, research has convincingly shown that being nurtured in predictable and satisfying ways promotes priceless growth and development. For the child who receives love day after day, the odds improve dramatically that they will grow up believing they are lovable and, in return, can love others. This is the stuff that makes the world go around.

When nurturing is deprived, such as in the cases of abuse and neglect, long-term deficits are formed. For example, when a child’s upbringing is plagued by violence or extreme emotional deprivation, their capacity for developing empathy and interpersonal sensitivities is thwarted. It is common for such individuals to experience a lifelong struggle to fit into their social surroundings and achieve a sense of belonging. Since they never received love, they are less equipped to develop healthy, intimate relationships in adulthood.

People who steadily prioritize the needs of others over their own, continuously make others feel good, and can’t help themselves when it comes to rescuing others are called people pleasers. Their walk on planet Earth focuses on helping others. Assisting, supporting, and serving others is in their blood and always on their mind. While their plate may be full, they will always make room in their heart for others. They do this by enlarging their plate, which never seems too big, heavy, or too much.

Having a people-pleaser in your life is handy. They never disappoint. If your chin is down, they’ll make you smile. They’ll help you restore the pieces if your life has fallen apart. Even when dog-tired, people-pleasers are exceptional at making time for you and going out of their way to simplify your life. People pleasers can always be counted on to be there and pitch in. Their favorite color is true blue.

The upside of being a people-pleaser is that your striving for validation will be intermittently satisfied. While some may take you for granted, and others may not extend you the appreciation you are due, this will not slow down your quest for being generous, kind, and valuable. You likely have some inner peace, reinforced by your ability to be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. But people-pleasers don’t pat themselves on the back or openly broadcast their deeds. Why? People-pleasers stay busy pleasing others out of duty. They are not begging for attention or seeking approval. Instead, since their world is divided between good and bad and their primary emotion is fearing rejection, helping others becomes a survival skill to restrain the unwanted past from repeating.

Congratulations on being an amazing person. While your aptitude and attitude about helping others are worthy of a standing ovation, it’s a safe bet that you’re tired, likely exhausted, which is probably a more fitting description—tired from what? Tired of being underappreciated. Are you tired of finishing your day without completing your personal to-do list? Are you tired of not having enough energy to fill the tub and give yourself a much-deserved deep soak at the end of your day?

If you believe yourself to be a people-pleaser, what can you do to be more in control of your habit of helping others instead of being in control of when, where, and how often you step in and step up? Here are some friendly thoughts.

Consider learning the magic behind setting boundaries by saying, “Not right now,” or “Let me check my calendar” when the familiar sound of a request comes your way. Teach yourself how to make yourself a priority by asking yourself daily, “What’s the most important thing I want to do today?” And make space in your crammed schedule to do it.

Being sensitive to the needs of others is a gift, but it can quickly become a burden. Be realistic about the size of your plate and how much it weighs on you, and consider ways to take things off your plate without replacing them with another person’s needs.  

What’s the Cost?

Helping others is an amazing gift. We need more people helping more people. Taking care of each other is essential to promoting the common good. “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours” is a saying that underscores the upside of reciprocity, which is critical in the world of relational psychology.

When things get lopsided, pleasing others becomes burdensome and a bad habit. The People Pleaser Syndrome (PPS) diagnosis may fit if you are overwhelmed and stretched thin. If so, there’s a quick remedy. Practice saying to yourself, “What’s the cost?” This phrase will stick through repetition, making it easier to recall when you must say it out loud.

I want you to be you and have the freedom to do what you do best. Asking “What’s the cost?” will help you stay balanced and avoid over-committing. For example, consider when someone asks you to stop at the store on your way home from work, but they don’t know you’re working remotely today. Your PPS instinct, of course, is to say yes. However, because you’re working from home today, going to the store is not “on your way home.” Before you respond to the person’s request, ask yourself what the cost of my saying yes is. Can you afford the time and energy that is associated with saying yes? If so, then do what you do best. If you don’t have time and energy to spare, you must tell the person that you’re working from home and hadn’t planned to go to the store. Here’s a critical insight: when you share your truth, they will understand.

In closing, remember, every yes demands your time and energy. That’s the cost. So, being more honest and practicing self-care by asking yourself, “What’s the cost?” will keep the lion at bay for another day. In other words, when you value your time and energy, save some for yourself, you’re worth it.

People-Pleaser Quiz

Take this short quiz to clarify whether you are a true-to-life people pleaser.

Your answers to this quick test suggest where you stand on the people-please spectrum. Answer each question on a scale of 1 to 5. Assigning a “1” means the situation doesn’t resonate with you. A 5 means this sounds like a bullseye.

1.       Do you place the needs of others far ahead of your own?

2.       Do you rapidly agree with others, regardless of your opinion or feelings?

3.       Are you guilty of politely listening to others beyond your point of interest?

4.       Do you find yourself reflexively apologizing for things that aren’t your fault?

5.       Is your favorite word, yes? Meaning it’s almost impossible for you to say no.

6.       Do you stand up for others but not yourself?

7.       Do you rapidly shift your thoughts and feelings to fit in with those around you?

8.       Is your sense of “feeling good” hinged on making others feel good?

9.       Does your sense of worth rise and fall based on helping others?

10.    When volunteers are recruited, are you often first in line?

11.    Are you guilty of tolerating intolerable behavior?

12.    Do you give away your time to others even when the time you have left is quickly running out?

13.    Do you regularly find yourself being over-committed and over-extended?

14.    Does the phrase “to a fault” fit your sense of self? For example, are you loyal “to a fault?” Are you generous “to a fault?” Are you compassionate “to a fault?” And so on.

Now, tally your answers to the above 14 questions. The lowest possible score is 14, and the highest is 70. The higher your score, the more likely you are a bonafide people-pleaser, which may deserve your time and attention.

Learning to become your authentic self, guided by instincts rather than habits, is the foundation of Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ).

To learn more about Relationship Intelligence, press the button below to visit our website and take your first step toward refashioning your relationship with conflict.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?