Rebuilding Trust
Trust is square one.
Nothing matters more in a relationship; trust is the bedrock of authentic connection. When vital, relationships flourish. When something causes trust to be lost, it must be found, or the relationship ends, often rapidly and unpleasantly.
When trust is broken due to failures of integrity or morality, people cannot forgive easily. We tend not to believe that lapses of decency or integrity are affected by situational factors. Instead, we think immoral acts are dispositional, deep inside, and reflect a person’s character, the way they are hard-wired, and their true colors. Consequently, we struggle to believe in excuses for someone’s bad behavior. When spoken, they often sound trite, scripted, and disingenuous.
The critical insight behind this reality is that words alone cannot heal deep wounds.
Choosing Wisely
In simplest terms, morality is knowing the difference between right and wrong and choosing wisely. When breached, the 64-thousand-dollar question is: Can a temporary suspension from doing the right thing or making a wrong decision transformative? Are people capable of benefitting from their transgression? Is it possible relationships might improve when the correct steps are taken? Can morality be learned?
The short answer to the last question is: “Yes, but it requires imagination, discipline, and time.”
Trust is rebuilt over weeks and months, not minutes and days. Also, the rebuilding process must be backed up by actions, not just words. Ask a third grader; anyone can apologize for their infraction or misdeed. Saying "I’m sorry” is too easy, and something more courageous and bold is needed. It takes a person of “character” to be apologetic by making thoughtful choices and intentional actions that symbolize their heartfelt desire to show remorse while inviting the opportunity to be reappraised across time.
Let’s recap. Simply saying you're sorry is not enough. It falls pathetically short of what the other person needs. Rebuilding trust requires your mindset to shift toward understanding the power of mutuality. What this means in behavioral terms is that you must show that you are fundamentally a different person. Demonstrating what you’ve learned over time is the active ingredient in rebuilding trust.
Introducing Restorative Justice
Restorative justice is the process of repairing or " restoring” the harm caused by a misdeed. This approach involves the stakeholders mutually determining how best to repair the damage done. Restorative justice focuses on reforming the person who caused the injury while deliberately helping those who have been harmed. The critical ingredient that makes restorative justice healing involves understanding what is needed to undo the hurt and showing committed effort.
Three factors are interconnected when contemplating the concept of needs in relational psychology. These components include safety, support, and validation, in that order. By way of proof, flipping the factors over, when trust is violated, we experience a medley of feeling unsafe, alone, and invalidated. Consequently, restorative justice emphasizes doing things over time that convincingly reestablish the injured person’s sense of psychological safety, emotional support, and re-verification of their value.
Consistency is a critical component. At first, people may discount what you are doing as a psychological marketing ploy. It takes time, commitment, and self-control to show that deliberate efforts for restorative justice are not just a PR stunt but a lifelong change.
The diagram below provides an overview of the core trust-building agreements.
There is no gimmick to being trustworthy. It comes from being reliable and consistent in one’s actions. And there is no trick to regaining trust when it has been lost or broken.
To begin the process of restoring justice, you need to acknowledge that trust has been abused and take responsibility for this reality. If the loss of confidence is due to a moral issue, a breach of relational ethics, or just doing the wrong thing, then the way back to trust is tricky and requires patience and determination—you must demonstrate not just that you have learned from the infraction but that you have fundamentally changed your ways.
After making this acknowledgment, the real work begins. The first step is transparency, which involves a willingness to be an open book. Since you have nothing more to hide, now is the time to prove it by stating your intentions, disclosing your schedule, and keeping yourself open to inquiries non-defensively.
The second step is responsibility. Sounds easy, right? However, responsibility implies taking ownership of your missteps and consistently stepping in the right direction.
Step three embraces something bigger than you. That would be “us.” Making your relationship the most important focal point is what this step is all about.
Step four is sincerity. This overused word means saying and doing things that are heartfelt. Stop using your head and go with your heart.
The final step is timing. Doing the right thing at the right time for the right reason repeatedly will help change how other people perceive you.
The Power of Square One
When you restore trust, you have rediscovered the power of square one. Square one is the interpersonal space where trust luxuriates. You're deeply connected when you share a square one with another person. Congratulations! You have also improved your relationship intelligence and are well on your way to learning how to turn conflict into connection.
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