David W. Zierk, PsyD

Know when the line has been crossed.

Imagine a line, a threshold, that, when crossed, transforms your world. It's not just a line; it’s a boundary that, when respected, can make your life much easier and better. It sounds amazing, right?

So, what's this line all about? Think of it as an invisible border that's universally present. It’s like a personal boundary that, when breached, triggers a wave of unwelcome emotions. But when honored, it can guide you toward a happier life. Can you see how this might apply to you?

To be more precise, let’s call this line your tolerance threshold. This line has immense value because your sense of self takes a direct hit when it’s dishonored, discredited, or dismissed. Something shifts inside when you can no longer tolerate intolerable behavior. When unacceptable behavior directed at you is not acceptable, your emotions alert you to take action. You might blow a fuse and later regret your reaction. You might play possum and, acting like nothing bothers you, make yourself an even bigger target for people to disrespect you. Whether you go big or act small, these extremes don’t work in the long run. They make things worse.

Recognizing when someone has crossed your personal boundary, regardless of your reaction, prepares you to respond relationally. It's important to remember that this is a two-way street. To be relationally intelligent, you must also be aware of when you’ve crossed another person’s line.

Big or Small

When your line gets crossed, whether you go big or act small, increasing your familiarity with the power of the line helps you navigate life’s uneasy moments. By the way, uncomfortable situations in life are characterized by one name–conflict. Learning to turn conflict into connection is the ultimate life skill.

What you tolerate, how long you accept something, and for whom you make exceptions inform your degree of self-respect, self-worth, and self-admiration.

Let’s put “the line” in perspective by using the classic example of parenting.

When your child disregards house rules or community laws, attaches toxicity to their words (uses vile name-calling and unfiltered expressions of vulgarity), or acts as if other people don’t matter, your child is being disrespectful. When disrespect is shown, your child is crossing “the line.”

You know your child has crossed the line when they think rules don’t apply to them or that they’re above the law. Being on the receiving end of a child’s disrespect is disorienting and hurtful. During such hostile times, it’s common for parents to feel dazed, confused, and deskilled. Not knowing what to do because of the shock value of your child’s objectionable behavior gives them an upper hand.

It’s common for parents to react to personal attacks by becoming outraged and excessively and harshly punitive. While we may hope that taking extreme measures during verbal assaults will extinguish the undesired behavior, too many times, the punishment only temporarily dampens the parent-child hostility. Since behavior doesn’t lie, what’s needed is the capacity to look underneath your child’s behavior for what’s motivating them to cross the line.

The provocative phrase “Behavior never lies, people do” conveys the importance of focusing on your child’s actions rather than their character. Since behavior doesn’t occur randomly but is motivated by an underlying need, a parenting stance of remaining curious instead of judgmental about your child’s actions is extremely helpful for retaining your psychological balance and keeping your cool.

From Parenting to Partnering

What does parenting teach us about partnering?

Partnering is the process of connecting with others when you work, love, and play. Maybe you have a tennis partner or someone at work you always “partner” with when asked to break down into small teams. Think of partnership as the experience of feeling close to another person. When you tell someone, “I really enjoy our partnership,” you’re saying that you like the feeling of an alliance.

In partnership, something unique happens. A third entity is formed. Instead of their being just you and me, when connected, there becomes an “us.” When you think about it, the most valuable thing you can’t give yourself without the help of someone else is the sense of being united.

When you look at your relationship with others through the lens of partnership, you gain the advantage of taking things less personally. When something goes awry between you and another person, the problem is not you; it’s not them; there’s something wrong with the partnership. Do you see how this takes some of the sting out of conflict?

What’s happening is you’re reframing conflict as something that occurs between people, not within. Of course, you can have internal conflict, but the same relational logic applies. For instance, if you’re not feeling good about yourself, consider the difference between: “I don’t like myself for letting my team down” versus “I know I let my team down; I need to reflect on why I dropped the ball.” Unlike the first statement, the latter sounds like something you would say to a friend, not a foe.

By stepping out of yourself and partnering with your “self,” you find room to be objective, fair, and balanced. Sounds amazing, right?

Where Do You Draw the Line?

Do people step on your toes? Do you frequently find yourself in a room where you must yell over the noise? Are you in a relationship who treats you poorly and then blames you for reacting to their off-putting behavior? Do you cope by doing nothing? When you give a person feedback, do they say, “Lighten up, I was just joking!” Do you deal with conflict by pretending it never happened?

This is what “the line” comes down to. How people treat you and how you respond to such situations shapes your identity, reputation, and future. In short, the stakes couldn’t be higher.

If you want to improve your odds of being happier, nurture the connections that bring you up, pull you up, and build you up. How is this done? The short answer is to be relational, which means being the person in the lives of others which brings them up, pulls them up, and builds them up. Don’t get sidetracked by being right; focusing on getting it right is better.

Quick Tip…Don’t wait for others to respect and treat you like you walk on water. While you deserve both, it starts with you!

Let’s get practical. Instead of being a pawn in your relationships, become a powerbroker. If any of the descriptions mentioned at the start of this section sound faintly familiar, then learning how to challenge someone, including yourself, to become a better version of themselves improves the world. The diagram below illustrates the five steps to distancing yourself and others from self-doubt.

Step One… Safety first. Trust your instincts. If something inside you feels wrong, listen to your gut and respond by seeking shelter. By keeping an eye on safety at all times, you prioritize your wellness. It's crucial that others feel safe enough to be vulnerable, which is a critical element in fostering trust and positive relationships.

Step Two…Be supportive. Step into the other person’s world and offer to be of assistance. By lending a helping hand, you are inviting gratitude.

Step Three…Validate, validate, validate. In the relational world, this is where the action takes place. When people validate each other, it promotes goodwill and inflates self-worth. The phrase “Two birds, one stone” comes to mind. Validation allows people to feel understood and valuable.

Step Four… Depending on the first three steps, you can more effectively challenge people. When any of the previous steps is missing, people are likely to fall into self-doubt.

Summing Up and Moving On

The line is a critical part of your journey toward becoming relationally intelligent.

Remember, your mind is not relational. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?