David W. Zierk, PsyD

Connection comes before everything else.

We all crave connection and emotional expression while fearing rejection and invalidation. To prepare for the moments we most fear, we develop unique strategies for handling interpersonal situations to navigate this psychic tension.

Some tactics work better than others. We stick with whatever works, even if it only helps a little.

When healthy connections occur, we feel better about ourselves and our world. Sharing a good time with another person makes us feel great. But when disconnections arise, a sense of confusion and self-doubt takes over. When our inner skepticism reaches a tipping point, we tend to shut down, give up, and think the worst.

Being around others but not feeling secure enough to be yourself is a cardinal sign of connection deficit disorder. This psychological experience involves routinely having incomplete connections with others and rarely feeling entirely accepted.

If you are the proverbial “nice guy” and routinely focus on meeting the needs of others while placing your needs on the back burner, chances are you have a degree of connection deficit disorder. In a social gathering, if you stay on the outskirts or find yourself rarely contributing to the conversation, again, you might have a touch of a connection deficit. More obviously, if you have a reputation for turning down invitations, not because you have better things to do but because of your discomfort with the idea of attending, you may be a card-holding member of the connection deficit club.

The upside of being only partially connected is that it keeps you relatively safe and out of harm’s way of people hurting you. When you keep your distance, others are much less likely to pick on you, tease you, or otherwise make you feel wrong about being you. Having the superpower of invisibility does have its advantages and disadvantages. While you will never be a part of the popular clique, having acquaintances instead of friends, as the saying goes, is “better than nothing.” Additionally, the maintenance of incomplete connections prevents people from getting to know you and finding out what makes you tick. This defense mechanism protects you from being completely devastated by having people break your trust and use your vulnerabilities against you.

Strategies used to maintain the incomplete relational status quo include silence, polite chitchat, superficial comments, unchecked wit, tolerating intolerable behavior, or otherwise discounting the value of your spiritual worth. There’s also the tried-and-true tactic of elaborate verbalizations or talking for the sake of talking. Being excessively verbal likely reflects a yearning for attachment, the sense of being tethered to another person, even transiently.

The downside of relying on these strategies is things don’t get better. When left unchecked, what begins as insufficient and unfavorable slowly becomes normal. As in, “I always need to initiate contact with friends; it feels like I’m invisible to them,” “It’s normal for people at work to make plans that don’t include me,” “It’s normal for my birthday to come and go without much fanfare,” or “during conflict, it’s typical for me to go shut down because I don’t know what to say and I don’t want to risk being mocked or dismissed.”

An examination of your childhood community reveals possible sources of inadequate nurturing. While you may have been loved, such love likely had strings attached. Such as in the examples of “I felt loved when I kept my mouth shut and watched my sibling get the brunt of my parent’s harsh discipline,” “I felt loved when I brought home good grades or won special honors,” or “I felt loved when my father showed me attention after I did something nice for him.”

Being fearful of rejection, exclusion, or devaluation, connection deficit disorder develops in the wake of internalizing negative self-statements, such as “If I show you who I am, you will eventually not like me” or “If I express how I feel, things might get twisted, and I’ll end up feeling worse than ever,” or “Sometimes I just want to scream, but I don’t dare.” If this sounds familiar, you’ve learned there are topics and ways of being outside the realm of discussion and consideration. Consequently, you’ve mastered being the person you think the other person needs you to be. This is called “provisional identity.” Instead of being your true self, you’ve become a version of yourself in response to what’s happening in your surroundings.

Connection deficit disorder is painful and exhausting. When the distance between you and other people remains unbridgeable, a sense of defectiveness takes over. Understanding why you don’t connect with others is rooted in the psychology of increasing your relationship intelligence.

The following relational equation is offered to understand the vital importance of connection.

Without connection, communication fails.

Without communication, relationships fail.

Without relationships, personal growth fails.

When relationship intelligence is practiced and integrated and becomes part of one's psychological toolbox for navigating conflict, what happens is magical; like shooting for the moon, one grows exponentially.

With connection, communication can be successful.

With communication, relationships succeed.

With relationships, personal growth succeeds.

And the moon gets closer every day.

By gaining critical insight into your past, identifying the basic needs of what it means to be human, and learning essential skills that turn conflict into connection, you’ll develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to love and be loved. If connection deficit disorder sounds familiar, consider learning more by visiting the Relationship Intelligence Center website.

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?