David W. Zierk, PsyD

One person’s oddity is another person’s grievance.

Imagine a scenario where one person's unique approach to life clashes with another's annoyance. This is the battleground of quirks and pet peeves, where conflict brews. Disconnection is felt when the two worlds collide, and past teachings come racing forward.

When you look at the picture above, what do you see? It’s quirky, right? What’s shown likely reflects the artist’s unconventional approach to life and passion for bringing color to the drab. Now, think about the older man who lives across the street from this “disrespectful display of rubbish,” he barks. To the older man, this tacky wall is his biggest pet peeve, and he “has to look at it” every day—demonstrating one person’s oddity in another person’s grievance.

Let’s delve into a relatable example. Lisa grew up in a highly tidy and meticulously organized house. Her mother’s insistence and conspicuous fondness for routine taught Lisa the importance of making her bed daily without missing a beat. This is a habit many of us can relate to. However, Lisa didn't realize that her mother’s approval and affection were linked to bedmaking. So, Lisa perfected bedmaking, optimizing her chances of receiving her mother’s conditional love. Never being the person to let another person down, Lisa even went out of her way and made her brother’s bed when he was running late or “too busy” to care about anything but himself. Her brother took after her father, Lisa mused.

Fast forward to Lisa’s adulthood, and she lives with Ryan, her boyfriend of three years, with two jobs and three cats. They both love cats, but that’s a story for another day. Ryan adores Lisa and goes out of his way to show her that she matters. He cooks, cleans, orders take-out, and makes room in his busy schedule for date nights. What he doesn’t do is make their bed. Truthfully, he makes it now and again, but to Lisa, she stews, “Why bother if you’re not going to make daily and do so with tucked-in corners?”

If you could hear what Ryan cannot say, at least not to Lisa, it would be, "Why is making the bed such a big deal?” To Ryan, Lisa’s quirky persistence with bedmaking has become a pet peeve. Adding salt to the wound, it annoys him when she makes snide comments or says things under her breath about him being lazy and insensitive.

Ryan’s response to Lisa’s offputting comments or gestures is to shut down. His upbringing taught him to avoid conflict at all costs. Acting as if it never happened or sweeping it under the proverbial rug is something Ryan mastered. Here’s the rub: Lisa amps up and charges in when he avoids. “Why do we stay together? I know you don’t love me anymore,” Lisa exclaims, trying hard to suppress the fear and anxiety of her unlovable side leaking out. At some level, Lisa knows she’s “particular,” but she believes she doesn’t ask for much and, more typically, does more for others than she gets in return.

Fortunately, Lisa and Ryan are committed to working through this entanglement. This shows that even when one person’s oddity becomes another person’s grievance, a significant relationship can be saved with understanding and effort.

What may be an oddity about one person can be a source of grievance for another, highlighting the fascinating diversity of human quirks.

The Ultimate Showdown

The clashing of quirks and pet peeves is called the ultimate showdown because most people don’t think that little things will evolve into big deals. But they do and quite often.

Staying ahead of the showdown allows low-level conflict to be leveraged to turn conflict into connection. Let me explain. When something happens that causes you to feel frustrated, dealing with start-up emotion is much easier than waiting for it to grow into full-blown anger. In the same way, discouragement is simpler than disrespect, worry can be handled more effectively than fear, and feeling self-conscious is much more manageable than being attacked by the searing nature of shame.

The parting advice is to feel what you are feeling, give it a name, and then share what’s happening inside you. For example, when someone says something that feels wrong and makes you confused, feel it, name it, and then say, “Wow, I didn’t see that coming, and it made me feel off-balance; did you mean to hurt my feelings?” This approach improves the odds of both of you settling what happened rather than one person getting even and settling the score.

Remembering the Relationship Intelligence principle when contemplating what to say when you feel flustered will help you regain your bearings by directing you wisely.

Connection > Communication

This simple equation means that connection precedes communication. More descriptively, to optimize what you say to restore your sanity and regain your bearings, you must focus on rebuilding the connection by thinking from the perspective of mutual benefit. Focus on connecting before you communicate, and trust whatever comes to mind. This is a winning formula!

Summing Up and Moving On

The critical takeaway is to prioritize dialogue and talk about the little things, which reduces defensiveness and decreases the likelihood of one person feeling surprised or ambushed.

Remember, your mind expands by learning. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?