David W. Zierk, PsyD

Private matters matter the most.

In relational psychology, the brain serves as a conduit for connection. Three elements hold paramount importance in this context: white matter, gray matter, and the often overlooked yet crucial private matters.

Let me explain this riddle.

The human brain is immensely complex. It comprises about 85 billion neurons or specialized nerve cells communicating with electrical impulses along superhighways, paved roads, and back alleys. When neurons connect, your brain is working. They send signals near and far to regulate your body, process the outside world, and prepare you to respond. These connections are responsible for every heartbeat and memorable moment, such as when you fall in love, and your heart skips a beat.

Before we delve into the fascinating world of private matters, let’s take a quick 2-minute tour of the brain's anatomy. Understanding the structure of the brain will help us appreciate how it functions.

The brain is popularly divided between the left and right hemispheres. Your left brain is known for being analytical, logical, detail-oriented, and responsive to time-sensitive matters. Shifting our focus to the other side, the right side of your brain sees the big picture, understands the gist of what’s happening, and specializes in making intuitive hunches. Your left side finds the right words to say, while your right hemisphere sees the whole message but cannot describe it.

Fortunately, the two hemispheres are not isolated entities but are intricately connected, working harmoniously to ensure your brain functions optimally.

Now, let's dive in a little deeper. The brain's outer layer, the wrinkled surface, is separated into four different regions or lobes. Each lobe, one on each side, specializes in broad areas of functioning, such as thinking and talking, processing bodily sensations, hearing and memory, and interpreting incoming visual information. The following diagram names the lobes so that you can further your understanding.

One of the most awe-inspiring aspects of delving into the brain's understanding is its intricate structure. From a neuroanatomical perspective, this involves exploring the fascinating contrast between gray and white matter, a complexity that is as intriguing as beautiful.

Gray matter forms the brain's outermost layer like a tree's protective bark. Visualized as a wavy, convoluted coastline in the diagram above, it serves as a hub for incoming and outgoing information, underscoring its pivotal role in the brain's higher level of functioning. As the connections between neurons in gray matter grow more robust, you get smarter.

White matter, on the other hand, enables you to react rapidly, which is handy in times of war, sporting activities, and responding to relational drama. It's the accelerator, the high-speed highway of your brain. It's what allows you to stay balanced when walking, focus, and solve problems lickety-split. It's the unsung hero of your brain's functioning. It's the stuff that lies beneath gray matter, and when its connections grow stronger, you can learn how to juggle.

There you have it. Gray matter is associated with intelligence, while white matter lets you score the winning goal, walk the balance beam, read a literary masterpiece from cover to cover, and be improvisational. They, indeed, are a dynamic duo.

The combination of gray and white matter forms a remarkable communication network that transmits crucial information to brain regions, the spinal column, and other body parts. This explains why gray and white matter matter in relational psychology. More specifically, a fundamental truth about Relationship Intelligence is often overlooked: communication necessitates connection. This is precisely what your brain is constantly doing. For your heart to beat regularly, your lungs to expand, and to remember to stop at the store on your way home from work, billions of neurons must connect to communicate their vital message effectively.

The Power of Three

Beyond white and gray, there’s one more thing that counts: private matters. While private matters don’t technically belong in this anatomical conversation, as your brain processes your life experiences, the memories of what happened get stored under the master folder called “private matters.” These include your wishes, dreams, fantasies, the name of your best friend in elementary school, and the details about the best day of your life. Of course, private matters also include times of misfortune, such as drama and trauma, such as the day your girlfriend broke up with you and learning that your mother passed away before you could kiss her goodbye.

It is our private matters that matter most.

Intriguingly, during our most vulnerable moments, we ask, “Do I matter?” This is why Relationship Intelligence matters so much.

In relationships, we deserve to be reminded that we matter, especially when we don’t feel like we do. In this way, curiously and sometimes exasperatingly, we depend upon others to bring us up, pull us up, and build us up. Do you see the catch? When we’re down and lost in the confusion of self-doubt, getting out of this funk requires a close connection with someone other than yourself. Thus, the curious reality:

To feel better about ourselves, we need others.

Here’s where things get tricky. What we desire privately is not readily known to others. In all honesty, people often have a hard enough time understanding what matters to themselves, let alone what matters to others. This sentiment is captured below.

Mirror Mirror

When you stand before the mirror, what do you truly see? When you delve into the depths of your mind, what revelations await you? As you contemplate your past, what shows up? As your future unfolds, are you in control of what happens next? When you think about what’s going on in the minds of others, what’s your best guess?

These questions remind you how hard it is to know, really know, what matters most to you and others.

The psychology of Relationship Intelligence provides valuable tips when navigating the choppy waters of private matters.

1. It’s about getting it right, not being right.

2. Relationships matter because they remind you that you matter.

3. Looking inside is more profitable than looking back.

4. Looking ahead is brilliant but can cost you a lot of time.

5. Be curious about the other person’s reality; it’s full of surprises.

6. Connect before you communicate.

7. Give feedback without judgment.

8. Happiness comes and goes; fulfillment sticks around.

9. Beware of public opinion; it changes constantly.

10. When in doubt, be present.

Summing Up and Moving On

Gray matter gives you intelligence. White matter quickens your step. Private matters are what truly matters. When put together, you gain wisdom.

Understanding what really matters begins when you focus on your inner experience. Then, paying attention to the words you silently choose to say about yourself is crucial. Do they foster positivity or negativity? Do they draw people closer or push them away? Are you building yourself up or tearing apart the fabric of your soul? Understanding this can transform your relationships, including your one with yourself. Next, the journey of teaching people how to love and respect you can take your self-worth to new heights. Lastly, contemplating something you don’t often give yourself, self-validation, expands your amour-propre, the faith in yourself, can be mind-blowing.

Remember, your mind expands by learning. So, this is where your challenge begins and ends. Ask yourself, “Who’s in control – you or your mind?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?