David W. Zierk, PsyD

What do you do when things don’t go your way?

When someone says or does something that bothers or hurts you, do you slink away, get even, or try to talk it out? Your answer to specific questions reveals your “style” or how you respond to conflict.

Reflecting on the questions below, being honest is more important than right. Oh, and have fun taking the quiz.

Conflict Style Quiz

1. Consider any relationship in the present; which of the following is MOST true of you?

A) I find a nice balance between meeting my and the other person’s needs.

B) I assert my point and often try to persuade the other person why my needs are important.

C) I almost always focus all my attention on the other person; my needs don’t matter.

D) It’s tough for me to let my walls down. Others find me guarded or closed off.

2. When considering your current (or most recent) romantic relationship, which of the following BEST describes you?

A) Generally, there is a mutual give-and-take with my partner regarding our needs and feelings.

B) I try to “win” over my partner during the conflict.

C) I give in easily and dislike burdening my partner with my feelings or needs.

D) It’s much easier to focus on day-to-day life and not get into the drama or conflict.

3. Which of the following BEST represents how others (who know you well) describe you?

A) I am comfortable stating my needs and listening/responding to my partner's needs.

B) I am always right and dig into my point of view.

C) I struggle to assert myself and can’t easily make decisions.

D) I avoid dealing with feelings, demanding situations, or conflicts.

4. Which of the following BEST describes your emotions about relationship conflict?

A) While it does not always feel good, I can approach relational conflict's challenging feelings to find a mutual understanding.

B) I have a natural emotional tolerance for conflict and can easily argue my point of view.

C) Conflict usually feels toxic, and I do my best to minimize it to keep others happy.

D) I feel worn down by conflict and would instead focus on not making waves rather than causing drama.

5. Which of the following BEST describes your beliefs about relationship conflict?

A) I usually see conflict as an opportunity to develop a deeper understanding of one another.

B) Conflict is about the situation's logic, and others must see my point of view.

C) It is best to reduce conflict by keeping quiet about my needs or giving in.

D) Conflict is something to avoid, and life is best when everyone focuses on getting along.

6. Which of the following BEST describes how you behave during conflict?

A) I usually sit down and ensure both parties understand one another to resolve conflict.

B) I argue my point of view using logic and facts to be understood.

C) I give in to others and feel more comfortable not creating more problems with my needs.

D) I often use day-to-day things as distractions to focus on so we can “get over it.”

SCORING: Write down the number of answers you marked for each letter.

A’s                B’s                C’s                D’s             

Determine which conflict style is most like you based on your highest scores above.

Collaborative Style

If more A’s show up than any other letter, you have a collaborative conflict style. You tend to work with your partner to prioritize meeting your needs and theirs. You see conflict as an opportunity to deepen understanding and work to expand the range of possibilities available to find win-win outcomes. You will put in the time and effort needed to achieve mutual reward and strengthen connections.

Although you may have a good conflict style overall, it can be helpful to look at areas from below that you scored in to learn how to improve your relationship mindset and skillset.

Competing Conflict Style

If your top score is a B, you have a competing conflict style. Conflicts are about validating your view at the expense of your partner. You tend to try to be correct and impose your will, getting caught in zero-sum, win/lose power struggles. You see being wrong as invalidation and thus prevent rejection through logic, argument, and dominating the other person.

Mindset: Competing may seem to have a more negative attitude. Those with this style may want to look at other ways to enhance perspective. You will likely need to improve flexibility and curiosity most, as you tend toward a singular way of thinking that does not leave enough room for other viewpoints, limiting the available resolutions to a relational conflict. Remember, being right is not the same as relational validation!

Skillset: Your communication tends to be one-sided, focusing solely on your perspective at the expense of another’s. Increasing two-way communication will go a long way toward enhancing conflict resolution in your relationships. While you can be highly creative (or not), you may not always consider options to help you and the other person meet their needs. Likely, you are even-keeled emotionally, but be careful that your valuing of emotional control doesn’t lead you to invalidate the feelings of others. The level of control one has over one's feelings does not equate to the validity of one’s emotions.

Accommodating Conflict Style

If more C’s appear than any other letter, you have an accommodating conflict style. You see conflict as inherently harmful and please others while ignoring/minimizing your needs to prevent rejection or disapproval. You concede to your partner's demands to reduce friction, even at the expense of your own needs. Your tendency to “give in” creates a win-lose situation, and you almost always become the “losing” party.

Mindset: An accommodating style struggles to have a positive attitude toward themselves. Their perspective needs more flexibility for new ways to look at conflict and is overly focused on how to meet the needs of others. Spending energy on understanding your worth and value will be essential even if you express/assert your needs in a relationship. Keeping a relationship by remaining convenient does not lead to validation of how others may meet your requirements. And learning how to approach conflict with this mindset is paramount to solid connection and self-worth.

Skillset: While you may be initially easy to get along with because of your collaborative style, your rigid response pattern and emotional ups and downs make it much less likely for such connections to feel very good. Learning to express your needs rather than your emotions takes creativity. Finding ways to focus on what you want from a relationship rather than just how you feel provides an opportunity for others to connect and help you feel necessary in your relationships.

Avoiding Conflict Style

When D’s are your highest score, you have an avoiding conflict style. You tend to withdraw from conflict or maintain neutrality to avoid ruffling anyone’s feathers. You see conflict as inherently harmful and threatening and feel it’s best to minimize disharmony by not engaging in it. Your instinct is never to label anyone the winner or loser, but, in the end, nobody wins. The solution of avoiding conflict makes the problem more significant in the long run.

Mindset: You tend to have a negative, inflexible view of others and their response to you during the conflict, leaving you convinced that others will not be willing/able to meet your needs. Many of your efforts to protect yourself are the things that make it harder for others to meet your needs, so getting underneath those defenses to express your vulnerable needs can show you that there are people who care about their attachment to you if you give them a chance. In other words, they may not reject you but may reject your defensive efforts to avoid vulnerability.

Skillset: This type of self-preservation and strong attachment desires can lead to ups and downs where you avoid conflict, then become intensely triggered by conflict and react strongly, and then act on your fear of rejection from others later after things have cooled down. The first step in surpassing this is realizing that others are likely willing to meet your needs, and what is needed is collaboration to help them understand your profound truth.

Your mind is self-serving. Designed to protect you, self-preservation is your mind’s top priority. This explains why you do what you do in conflict. The question is, “Are you in control of your mind, or is it controlling you?”

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?