David W. Zierk, PsyD

Discovered and always remembered.

Every great discovery starts with a grand theory sparked by a simple yet amazing idea that promotes contemplation, application, and realization.

Related to the development of Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ), the idea of it being as simple as that boils down to one thing. Here’s a clue: it’s something you can’t do alone.

We need each other.

Relationship Intelligence is the constellation of our experiences across time in countless interactions and situations throughout the ebb and flow of life’s tide. When combined with the acknowledgment that humans are intensely social by nature and that relationships alter our neurobiology, shape our sense of self, and influence our behavior, it was realized that teaching people how to turn conflict into connection with intentionality, curiosity, and flexibility results in the most valuable and gratifying human experience - intimacy.

Intimacy is defined as deep and meaningful closeness, moments when you feel felt, a wondrous sensation that makes you feel alive while being authentic, authentically you.

By enhancing your relationship intelligence, you gain critical insight into how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other. You learn how to read minds, beginning with your own. Here’s a critical insight: knowing how your mind operates allows you to understand better what’s going on in other people's minds. As you master the process of mind reading while actively reading the room, in times of conflict, you’ll have options you never imagined.

Knowing that having options is far more rewarding during the conflict than learning the “right” thing to do empowers you. This explains the following basic truths about conflict:

Conflict reveals unmet needs.

Conflict is emotional, not logical.

Conflict is an opportunity for learning + relational growth.

Conflict is a time to model self-control, not to solve a problem or teach a lesson.

During the conflict, it seems our options are limited. People either move decidedly toward rationality or slide toward emotionality. Both directions have their shortcomings.

The rational mindset provokes an oppressive sense of “being right.” To others, this can be off-putting. If this is your style, others may experience you as calculating, arrogant, and pretentious. To them, you likely have the reputation of being rigid and a know-it-all. Quieting your rigid logic is needed.

On the other hand, if you operate from an emotional mindset during conflict, this style is draining and unproductive. Others easily judge you as oversensitive, overreactive, and over-the-top. You get the point. While emotions are informative and useful, when they are relied upon exclusively, you can be misdirected down blind alleys and dead ends from a relationship standpoint. Tempering your emotions is needed.

Fortunately, there’s a third option.

Balancing rationality and emotions while focusing on creating a mutually beneficial outcome produces a relational style. The relational concept evokes a mutual stance of “getting it right” rather than “being right.” Do you see the upside? Being relational allows people to understand the lesson that conflict is trying to teach. Knowing that underneath every conflict are unmet needs allows dialogue to focus on how to address this matter rather than focusing on what and how something was said, which leads to interpersonal gridlock and unending feuds.

The key to being relational is revealed by the phrase, “Think with connection in mind.” When you rely upon this tagline as a guide as you navigate conflict, you’ll gain mastery to turn conflict into connection.

Summing Up and Moving On

Here’s a quick review. Underneath every conflict, and there’s no exception to this rule, are unmet needs. Focusing on becoming aware of what you need, acknowledging this private reality, analyzing its importance, and adapting to moments when you’re feeling deprived increases the odds of your needs being satisfied. The power and savvy within relationship intelligence allow you to “turn conflict into connection.”

Being relational is a mind-made decision. This means that it’s up to you to be relational by learning how to combine your thinking and emotions while keeping your eye on what’s mutually beneficial. Doing so improves your odds that what’s most important gets addressed.

One key to enhancing relationship intelligence is exploring the peaks, valleys, triumphs, and tragedies associated with your upbringing and relationship history. Attention turns toward discovering what you learned when you didn’t realize you were being taught. These crucial moments are called life lessons. In addition, this exploration takes inventory of your genetic gifts while insightfully peeking into your most outstanding talent of all time, which is your imagination.

Examining your informative life lessons is how you increase your relationship intelligence.

Learn more about relationship intelligence by visiting our website at:

Press the button below to learn more about how your mind works as described in Dr. Zierk’s book, Mind Rules: Who’s in Control, You or Your Mind?